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Original poster

MIL doesn’t chip in/help out

161 replies

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 10:10

AIBU to expect my MIL to help out over Xmas. She has decided that she has “done her time” and now it’s over to us so does nothing while we are run off our feet. It’s also contributed to by her feeling she is a guest (and to be fair she wd do more if we were on her turf)… I end up feeling angry, as if I am a bit of a servant but am also aware she is elderly (though very fit/capable), that I have children that can (and do) help and that maybe I am being unfair… I do find it falling though to see her floating around when everyone else is hands on deck…

OP posts:
Greatly · 30/12/2022 12:25

When I read threads like this I am very grateful that I don't have sons.

DuplicateUserName · 30/12/2022 12:28

Greatly · 30/12/2022 12:25

When I read threads like this I am very grateful that I don't have sons.

Why? Confused

GlitchStitch · 30/12/2022 12:30

My 82 year old gran is visiting tomorrow. She is reasonably fit and able but I will still be wanting her to sit and relax while we make her a cup of tea, she has a cuddle with the kids etc.

You also sound quite dramatic, why is everyone running around anyway?

shivawn · 30/12/2022 12:30

I don't really understand why you're all run off your feet if you already have so many other people who are "all hands on deck". Anyway, I don't expect any guests to help out when I'm hosting but I would go out of my way to ensure elderly guests were comfortable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/12/2022 12:34

I don't know why people host and have such enormous expectations on others without saying a word. If you want help with something then ask. Not difficult.

I dislike having people under my feet when I'm busy. I don't want people in the kitchen, I'd much rather they were sitting down elsewhere, out of my way. If I want help with something I ask. By that token then I don't act like a martyr.

Your 80 year old mother in law... and you don't like her not doing anything (that you haven't asked for).

I hope your MIL declines further invitations, OP, best thing for all of you. Don't host again, that would also be best.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 30/12/2022 12:34

She's eighty for heaven's sake. If you haven't earned a rest at Christmas by then, when have you?

ittakes2 · 30/12/2022 12:35

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 11:55

Thank you so much for your replies/thoughts
She is 80 so elderly but very fit and able
It isn’t a gender thing, everyone else is helping out (male and female) except her… If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy… It just winds me up… I think I maybe need to accept that’s how it is and maybe, as someone suggested, keep stays short…

She's 80 and you are mad at her for resting when you are working? Seriously, anyone over 80 should be allowed at that stage in their life to rest you don't get to decide if she is very fit and able!! The fact she appears fit and able shows me you are used to her doing things - give the woman a break!

MajorCarolDanvers · 30/12/2022 12:35

At 80 she's earned the right to sit back and enjoy.

DuplicateUserName · 30/12/2022 12:36

Would you feel this way if she was an 80 year old man, or do you just expect her to run around because she's a woman?

And I to don't understand what all the fuss is about if everyone else really is 'all hands on deck'.

I suspect it's the opposite and therefore you think the other woman in the house should martyr herself too.

Afterfire · 30/12/2022 12:36

At 80 I wouldn’t expect her to do anything.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 30/12/2022 12:37

WTAF, you resent an 80 year old sitting and chilling? Like pp said, I’d be embarrassed to write this down.

She absolutely has done her time, and when you’re 80 you’ll feel the same way too!

Penguinsaregreat · 30/12/2022 12:38

80!!!!
Hell when or even if, I get to that age I hope my dc will host me for Christmas and I really hope they don’t expect me to rush around helping.
She probably thinks it’s time your dh did the work instead of her. Good lord I don’t expect any of my relatives who are around that age to help.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2022 12:39

I never expect guests to help. If I did, I’d expect it of the men, too.

I agree with your MIL, she has done her bit over the years.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 30/12/2022 12:40

Yes tbf I never expect guests to help either. If I’m hosting then DH and I do the work and everyone else gets to chill.

Roussette · 30/12/2022 12:41

Good god, she is 80 and you are moaning that she isn't doing the washing up, or whatever?

I am late sixties and had everyone here for days over Christmas and I. Am. Exhausted. Yes the kids and partners helped lots but in the end it was down to me and I tell you... when I reach 80 I am doing bugger all. Someone else's turn I'm afraid.

Ivyonafence · 30/12/2022 12:43

How many people are you catering for?

You have at least four able bodied people 'rushing around' (you, DH, children plural) to get it done. My mother and I do Christmas lunch for 20 and it doesn't feel rushed between the two of us.

Bugbuggerit · 30/12/2022 12:46

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 30/12/2022 12:37

WTAF, you resent an 80 year old sitting and chilling? Like pp said, I’d be embarrassed to write this down.

She absolutely has done her time, and when you’re 80 you’ll feel the same way too!

Couldn’t agree more ! OP I really hope you don’t have close contact with the elderly on a regular basis .

DuplicateUserName · 30/12/2022 12:56

And the fact you describe her as 'fit/capable' doesn't mean she isn't in pain when she stands up from the chair or walks around.

Maybe she just doesn't complain about it.

Dogsgottabone · 30/12/2022 12:59

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 11:58

How often did she host Christmas? If she is 80 then yes she probably has done her fair share over the years

I've just hosted my 15th Xmas and while I HATE people helping at all, I'm fully over it and look forward to the days when Xmas feels like a holiday and not a chore and obligation.

dottydoglover · 30/12/2022 13:04

I think you sound incredibly selfish - I have no issue running around for my elderly parents. She has most definitely done her time and as others have said it is actually more beneficial for the hosts to wash up and put things away etc

Hobbesmanc · 30/12/2022 13:05

Why does everyone need to be busy. If you have lots of guests then being a good host means getting as much done in advance and then letting your friends and family enjoy your hospitality.

I'd not expect elderly guests to be on their feet. Even if they are fit and sprightly it's a lot to ask in someone else's home. She's not got a lot of Christmas days left to celebrate compared to the youngsters. Give her a day off.

unclebuck · 30/12/2022 13:07

She's 80! and a guest in your home!

OriginalUsername2 · 30/12/2022 13:09

She has done her time though! You and your partner’s parents will have spent many of their Christmas’s run ragged so you could have a lovely time when you and your partner were younger.

Now it’s you and your partner’s turn! And any siblings you have. We all pay it forwards.

OriginalUsername2 · 30/12/2022 13:17

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 11:55

Thank you so much for your replies/thoughts
She is 80 so elderly but very fit and able
It isn’t a gender thing, everyone else is helping out (male and female) except her… If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy… It just winds me up… I think I maybe need to accept that’s how it is and maybe, as someone suggested, keep stays short…

Maybe it’s just the way she goes about it? I can see it being annoying if she’s sat there like lady muck in the middle of chaos making comments about how she’s done her time while everyone’s stressed. Old people can be dicks too!

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 30/12/2022 13:18

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 11:55

Thank you so much for your replies/thoughts
She is 80 so elderly but very fit and able
It isn’t a gender thing, everyone else is helping out (male and female) except her… If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy… It just winds me up… I think I maybe need to accept that’s how it is and maybe, as someone suggested, keep stays short…

She is 80 years old ffs