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Original poster

MIL doesn’t chip in/help out

161 replies

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 10:10

AIBU to expect my MIL to help out over Xmas. She has decided that she has “done her time” and now it’s over to us so does nothing while we are run off our feet. It’s also contributed to by her feeling she is a guest (and to be fair she wd do more if we were on her turf)… I end up feeling angry, as if I am a bit of a servant but am also aware she is elderly (though very fit/capable), that I have children that can (and do) help and that maybe I am being unfair… I do find it falling though to see her floating around when everyone else is hands on deck…

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 30/12/2022 17:37

I don’t ask for much help when hosting. Too many people actually gets in the way. I might ask someone to open another bottle of wine or to bring a dish out, but nothing major. DH and I handle the bulk of the jobs and make sure to plan ahead so there isn’t too much to do on the actual day.

I certainly wouldn’t be asking an 80 year old to be doing anything really. Maybe ask them if they want to play a board game or read a story with a grandchild to keep them occupied? That would be about it.

passing the torch is important. There are so many posts of people complain that their parents won’t let go and let them take over. Here you have a mIL who has retired from being host and is enjoying her just rewards.

DemelzaandRoss · 30/12/2022 17:47

I have done 40 years of Christmas\Boxing\New Years Eve. It gets more tiring every year.
If I get to 80 I certainly wouldn’t want to do any more.
If you get to 80, you won’t either.

Abigail69 · 30/12/2022 18:30

Is it a cultural thing? I'm Indian and we don't ever expect guests to help. If some do I say no unless it's my sisters, or DiL's and even then It's just the odd bit of washing and natter as food is prepared and or order.

I've never been to anyones where we take food and or we are expected to help out.

StephanieSuperpowers · 30/12/2022 18:32

Is it a cultural thing? I'm Indian and we don't ever expect guests to help.

I don't think so. I'd be mortified to ask someone over and give them a job, especially a senior family member. The idea of getting my DM/DMIL to fetch and carry in my house is just embarrassing.

Trethew · 30/12/2022 18:33

I would expect her to offer to help, but not push it

CheshireCats · 30/12/2022 18:34

YABVVU. She is 80!! She deserves to sit down and be waited on at Christmas.

Holly60 · 30/12/2022 18:38

Greatly · 30/12/2022 12:25

When I read threads like this I am very grateful that I don't have sons.

Do you think men don't get wound up by their mothers in law?? 😂😂😂

Cariadz · 30/12/2022 18:40

She’s 80 and deserves the best of everything in your home as well as being looked after and spoiled.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/12/2022 18:42

however we may be talking not even getting up to make a cup of tea, expecting her lunch to be served to her etc

I would have no problem doing this for an elderly guest. It's a small courtesy to make them feel cared for and welcome. It's not as if 'expecting her lunch to be served to her' is the full Downton butler service with white gloves, is it? it's a plate, knife and fork and a paper napkin on a tray if she prefers not to sit at the table.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/12/2022 19:14

Roussette · 30/12/2022 17:24

Hi @AcrossthePond55
Sounds great! (and happy New Year to you Smile)

I am hopeful to one day not 'do' Christmas... I did suggest to the adult DCs that perhaps one of them could do it this year (as we were away on the other side of the world until a couple of weeks before) but they said they love the whole thing so much here... which is a compliment I suppose! I did find it particularly exhausting this year, as DH had this awful cold/flu/cough bug and couldn't do a thing! They did help lots but it was still tiring.
One day!

Show quote history

Happy NY to you too!

Yes, I'm feeling pretty much the same as far as ready to 'hand off the holidays'. It was easy this year though as it was just 4 of us as DS1 & DiL had Covid.

They have just tested negative so we're having '2nd Xmas' on NYE. We're having it at our house, but they're bringing the food! It's a start!!

FoodieToo · 30/12/2022 19:48

Oh my god, are you serious ????

Furcoatandnoknickerz · 30/12/2022 19:49

Seriously! The ladies 80!
Even if she does appear fit and able, help her remain that way. You have clearly no perception of how quickly an elderly person tires. As soon as she feels worn out, that’s her day over.
Show her some respect, as she has said, she’s done her bit, let her enjoy what maybe not many Xmas’s she has left. I don’t wish to sound morbid but this is the reality.
Get over your miserable self and spoil her, make her feel special.

mcmooberry · 30/12/2022 19:51

80!! I thought she was going to be 60!! My sister, BIL and nephew came for Christmas, they are in the 50s and a teenager and I didn't expect them to lift one finger, they were here to have a break, I certainly wouldn't expect an 80 year old to be "chipping in"!!

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2022 20:40

She’s 80?
fucking hell you are unreasonable.

Kamia · 31/12/2022 00:27

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 11:55

Thank you so much for your replies/thoughts
She is 80 so elderly but very fit and able
It isn’t a gender thing, everyone else is helping out (male and female) except her… If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy… It just winds me up… I think I maybe need to accept that’s how it is and maybe, as someone suggested, keep stays short…

80 is quite old. I wouldn't expect much from an 80 year old. I would be bringing everything to her.

MarieKlepto · 31/12/2022 00:42

Um, she's 80? Unless she's got form for being an absolute nightmare in terms of doing nothing all her life, I'd not expect anything more than a pleasant, sendantary input from her.

TrickyD · 31/12/2022 12:10

I explained elsewhere about being tired from all the Christmas hosting, even though my family, including my delightful DILs, are kind and helpful and we had a lovely Christmas. I wondered if it would be OK to go away just with DH next year instead.

The responses, virtually unanimous, were yes, either go away or delegate far more firmly and get others to do most of the Christmas tasks, as I had ‘done my bit’ for many years.

I am a mere 78.

I feel very sorry for your poor 80 year old MIL forced to keep going and
denied a bit of time to rest while others do all the work she has done for years.

Dillydollydingdong · 31/12/2022 12:18

As a MIL, I don't do much when at my ddil's house. I might make the teas/coffees, but that's all. I have suggested having the Christmas at my house but the ddil prefers to host it herself.

Katapolts · 31/12/2022 12:19

80!!!

I'd be putting the DC on nanna duty and telling them to make sure she's sitting and relaxing with a cup of tea!

Fairyliz · 31/12/2022 13:22

Come back op and tell us your thoughts; we know you are reading all of these replies 😉

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2022 14:34

Fairyliz · 31/12/2022 13:22

Come back op and tell us your thoughts; we know you are reading all of these replies 😉

OP is probably hiding in a cave in fear of a (rightfully angry) mob of MNers with pitchforks and torches.

Or she's sitting at her computer with Cat's Bum Mouth muttering "Well, you are all just WRONG!" at all of us.

Original poster
Koalapb · 31/12/2022 15:45

Not hiding!
Just message received!!

OP posts:
TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 31/12/2022 15:59

Good on you for coming back @Koalapb! Hopefully you can relax about this now Smile and when it’s your turn to be elderly you, too, will be able to just chill and be looked after by your children and the younger members of your family. It’s the circle of life!

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2022 16:02

Koalapb · 31/12/2022 15:45

Not hiding!
Just message received!!

If you've gotten the message, I'm really happy for you AND for your MiL.

If your DH is a good 'un like mine is, then just appreciate that you're doing a little paying back for the man she raised 'for you' and making her life a little brighter by allowing her to take a well earned rest.

I hope you had a wonderful holiday season together.

Original poster
Koalapb · 31/12/2022 16:07

Thank you too for coming back to me!
Helpful to get feedback, especially en masse as gives quick measure of temperature of response (not easy to miss!)

OP posts:
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