MIL doesn’t chip in/help out

[Koalapb]

AIBU to expect my MIL to help out over Xmas. She has decided that she has “done her time” and now it’s over to us so does nothing while we are run off our feet. It’s also contributed to by her feeling she is a guest (and to be fair she wd do more if we were on her turf)… I end up feeling angry, as if I am a bit of a servant but am also aware she is elderly (though very fit/capable), that I have children that can (and do) help and that maybe I am being unfair… I do find it falling though to see her floating around when everyone else is hands on deck…

This is the crux of it, imo.

Sitting oh her bum relaxing but unobtrusively or sitting on her bum relaxing and demanding everyone pander to her? If she's demanding you fetch her a drink and DS gets her a cake and DD runs up and gets her a jumper and DH cook her something different every night then I think it's OK to enforce boundaries but otherwise it sounds like there's enough people to help and you only want her help to show she's not relaxing unless you are.

Jeeze. I thought you are going to say that's she's 65 or something.

I don't want my guests involved in my Christmas dinner cooking, to be honest. I might get one or two of my DDs or sons in law to help in that last busy 15 minutes, or to lay the table, but the more people there are in the kitchen, the more confused and stressy I get. I have a plan and others getting involved is more likely to end up with me forgetting things.
Of course they help with clearing up and dishwasher stacking, but even then, my adult kids do that and not an 80 year old.

On boxing day I catered for twelve, pretty much alone, and absolutely my choice. People offered and I gave them small things to do like carry stuff through. But the aim of the day was for the extended family to get together, and I was happy for them all to be chatting and relaxing in the living room.

Also I don't agree DH should have to pick up Mils share. If we assume op, DH, two teens and Nanna, I don't think it should be on the DH to do 40% of everything anymore than people would expect op to if it was her Mom.

My DM is in her 80s. Our sofas are not designed for elderly people with mobility issues, so getting up and down from them can be a struggle, so we bring drinks and food to her, rather than expecting her to get them herself, and try and manage keeping the amount of times needed to move from room to room to the minimum

I’m quite sure that pp wasn’t saying DH had to take up an exact percentage of the work to be MIL’s ‘share’. It’s much more likely that pp was establishing the principle that DH takes on some of the responsibility in collaboration with OP, so that OP doesn’t end up playing the female martyrdom role.

i think your post is nasty, just another MIL bashing comment.

She is 80, surely she is now allowed to relax on xmas day.

The OP says it’s their place, not the MIL’s…
‘it’s not her turf’

Personally I’d give her tasks to do…. ‘Could you please lay the table?’
Could you please pour the wine/squash etc… I’d ask her to make the teas while everyone washed up and cleared away… that sort of thing, nothing massive but just a few things to make her useful.
I personally wouldn’t invite someone and expe t them to help though, she is rightly a guest in your home and as she says she’s hosted plenty over the years.
I still have a youngish daughter who takes all morning to open presents so I wouldn’t host my parents and they still do it as they have the bigger house… As they age I shall have them here or do it all at theirs and wouldn’t expect t help..
If hosting Christmas is too much then maybe don’t it next year… state it’s too much for you or don’t do the huge traditional roast…. It amazes me how many people get stressed about cooked 3 meats and spuds, yourkshires etc…. I would cook the Turkey the day before and simply serve up cold Turkey chips and beans and be done with it…. People are lucky to be invited and waited on ..

My mil did some drying up and dm would help but finds it hard to stand for long, they are both 80+ so it's fine if they don't help

Who else do you host Op?

Have you taken over from what she used to do & resent it?

Tbh even if she did want to be "waited on" I'd expect her son to be able to do that with no adverse effect on me!

She's 80. Even if she is in reasonable health for her age, she is likely to be slower and less mobile than when she was younger. If there are several younger and faster people working, then if she did pitch in, she might even be more of a hindrance than a help, due to her inability to keep to their pace; and she may realize this. And yes, I think she has 'done her time'. And she is a guest!

If she is constantly demanding service, I can see how this could get annoying. But if it's simply that it angers you to see someone sitting down while you are working, then either you are allowing yourself to become rigidly puritanical, or you really are being 'put upon'- but not by her: by people's expectations (possibly including your own) that you must be the 'perfect' host for the perfect magical Christmas. And you don't have to. Christmas should be fun, not an exam or an exhausting chore. Next Christmas, you can relax and not have a big dinner at all; or you can prepare one just for the nuclear family; or your dh could be the main host and cook. Most people would rather miss out on a Christmas dinner than feel guilty and subject to resentment from stressed hosts, who are putting in excessive work as a perceived duty.

Poor MiL I expect she felt the tension
She's 80!!!

Do you not like her?

That's what I thought. OP is wanting an 80 year old to still slog in the kitchen. Wonder what shed say if the roles were reversed?

OP, Imagine that you are 80. Others perceive you to be fit. You are at your sons home. For christmas. Your DIL has given you a list of chores, what wold you do?

She’s 80. If you’re lucky enough to get to 80 you will understand why she doesn’t want to help. If I invite someone for dinner I want them to sit back, relax and enjoy themselves. You probably would have posted that she got in the way/makes gravy the wrong way/served DH before DC or something else. Give the woman a break.

I just wonder what the cut off point is. 90 and she should unpack the dishwasher?
86 Peel the potatoes and carry cups of tea to everyone
84 Hoover and strip a few beds.

It's a pity that this post didn't have a voting button. I'm pretty sure it would be one of the very few that register 100% for You ARE Being Unreasonable!!

I was thinking the same thing!

Now, I'm going to go order flowers for my own lovely DiL who always makes me (and DH) feel welcome and cherished in her and my son's home.

BTW, I'm not 80 so I don't expect to sit on my bum (yet!) so I do pitch in where I'm needed or wanted. But if DiL tells me to 'just sit and relax' I don't argue!

Why are so many people ‘rushing about’ it’s a Christmas dinner and not a state banquet?

Hi @AcrossthePond55
Sounds great! (and happy New Year to you )

I am hopeful to one day not 'do' Christmas... I did suggest to the adult DCs that perhaps one of them could do it this year (as we were away on the other side of the world until a couple of weeks before) but they said they love the whole thing so much here... which is a compliment I suppose! I did find it particularly exhausting this year, as DH had this awful cold/flu/cough bug and couldn't do a thing! They did help lots but it was still tiring.
One day!

My grandmother is younger than your MIL but has also ‘done her time’ aka decades of Christmas hosting rushed off her feet.

She is a welcomed guest in all of our homes and isn’t expected to ‘chip in’.

Exactly 😅

You want an 80 year old to help out with Christmas Dinner when there are plenty of other people to do it..... and then moan about her on the internet because she didn't?!
Give me strength. 🤷‍♀️