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Original poster

Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

686 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 27/12/2022 23:05

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

OP posts:
FancyFelix · 28/12/2022 06:51

TwoMonthsOff · 27/12/2022 23:45

How do some people not realise that they have outstayed their welcome? Or maybe they do and don’t care…or why doesn’t it occur to them that you need some you time ? in any case OP lesson learned and don’t invite them again

This is my experience of every single retired person in mine and my DH's extended family. They have all the time in the world pissing about doing whatever the hell they like and they completely forget that the rest of us only get a few precious days of this every year.

LolaMoon · 28/12/2022 06:55

WeepingSomnambulist · 27/12/2022 23:12

"I should have been a bit more clear earlier. I was just taken aback when I heard your plans. We really need quiet family time for the new year and we just wont cope with guests staying longer. When we chatted about this, we agreed youd leave after christmas and we've already planned out our alone time so I'd really appreciate it if we could set a day for you going. How about the tomorrow/insert date here?"

Say this and dont apologise. You have done nothing wrong- you have been generous to host them and they are the cheeky ones. Stand up for your boundaries otherwise it will become a pattern of people trampling all over your good will.

InfluenzalA · 28/12/2022 06:57

Oh gosh. We live in a tourist area and have this a lot.

I get so anxious with one particular set of rellies now, because how ever firm we are on the plans, once they're here they start talking as of it's all up in the air and to be played by ear.

It's a real shame because I like having them to stay but the lack of certainty on when they're going to go (they always drag out any leaving too, packing the car through an entire day) is impossible.

I'm no good at managing it so no advice! But good luck.

Flossyhair · 28/12/2022 06:57

Well you have two choices - you let them stay and accept it or you politely ask them to leave.

Tell them you are sticking to the original departure date. No excuses, no need to make anything up, just tell them their departure date and dont debate it. What is the worst that can happen?

Once you have done that, you will be amazed at how liberating it is to assert your own boundaries.

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/12/2022 07:03

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/12/2022 23:55

Never ever let people stay without an end date. This is hosting 101.

At breakfast tomorrow ask cheerfully if they’re setting off before or after lunch as you need to prep the house for your NY guests.

When they say they didn’t know they were going looked surprised and say - gosh, I’m
sure I said that! Anyway you’ll be wanting to head off after 5 days of us won’t you - and then say if you want some help with getting things into the car give me a shout.

and take an assertiveness course or something

This! Between Christmas and New Year is a six day window - and now they want to stay longer and you have encouraged them by mentioning food!

You are going to have to be frank and tell them outright. TBH, if I were the guest in a situation like this I would have been able to take the hint when my host tried to pin me down to a date.

They are obviously CFs-in-training 😁. Just tell them that you've loved seeing them but you really need some time to yourself before returning to work in the New Year etc. And get them out asap.

Then never ask them again.

Fleurdaisy · 28/12/2022 07:03

Maxaluna · 27/12/2022 23:15

"So it's leaving day today, it's been great catching up but back to reality! I'll make xxx for breakfast then you can set off mid-morning. "

This.

MeridianB · 28/12/2022 07:09

watchfulwishes · 27/12/2022 23:07

You simply say 'so, we are busy from <day>, what are you're plans for heading home?'

First reply nails it. They are CFs!

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2022 07:13

Are they friends or family? Not that it particularly matters. They've been at yours since before Christmas and they're starting to outstay their welcome now. Just tell them you need some quiet family time now.
If they want an extended holiday then they should have booked accommodation!

MichelleScarn · 28/12/2022 07:22

The fact that they shrugged and were evasive for me shows that they don't really care or have much respect for you, and are probably just using your home for its location!

Eddielizzard · 28/12/2022 07:25

Who is happy to outstay their welcome? CF friends! You do have to be blunt now. Unfortunately you've realised you have too much to do before you go back to work, so as much as you'd love them to stay they will have to leave today.

DonutCrossMeIEatYou · 28/12/2022 07:29

“For clarity, we’d like a few days to ourselves. 29th is the latest we can host you until, but these are great local hotels.”

You don’t need any better reason than you do t want them there longer. X

Twiglets1 · 28/12/2022 07:33

Can’t imagine inviting people to stay without also making the end date clear. But as you find yourself in this difficult situation, I think you need to make it very clear that there is an end date. You will have to have that conversation I’m afraid. Tell them that you were always planning a quiet time before NYE.

Oblomov22 · 28/12/2022 07:37

Why don't you say something?
I recognise your username, haven't you started other threads about not being able to stand up for yourself?

LAMPS1 · 28/12/2022 07:38

It’s terrible not knowing which day they are supposed to be leaving. Open ended visits are just not practical or good for your relationships and downtime.
Just say
….it’s been a fabulous having you over the Christmas weekend but I need to do some shopping / housekeeping now for the next few days ahead so could you tell me if it’s tomorrow morning you leave or after lunch ?

Or
…as much as we have loved being all together this lovely long Christmas weekend, I need some time and space now to get a few things sorted and to get cleaned up. I have jobs to do tomorrow that I can’t put off any longer so what shall we plan for our last evening together.

Inkpotlover · 28/12/2022 07:55

You: "Would you like lunch before you head home today?"
Them: "Actually, we thought we'd stay on until after New Year."
You: "Sorry, that's not possible. I've got lots on and there are other people we plan to catch up with, so you'll have to go home as planned."

The End.

Linnie61 · 28/12/2022 07:57

We also live in a beautiful part of the country and some of our guests treat our home a bit like a hotel (unfortunately they are my DH's family so the scenario is on repeat) We lived overseas for a time and similar stories were legion in the expat community. One of the solutions was said to be to get hold of a cabbage, chop it up and start simmering it. Keep simmering, topping up the water for as many days as it takes your guests to get fed up with the smell and leave. If anyone queries the practice, say you're making soup for the freezer.
OR turn off the heating or WiFi, pretend it's malfunctioning, claiming that you can't get a repairman until after New Year. It's horrible isn't it? They're the ones being rude and inconsiderate and yet you can't tell them the truth for fear of causing offence. I've been there - I hate the thought of confrontation and get walked all over.

PointyMcguire · 28/12/2022 08:09

We had this one year with my parents, we’d already hosted both sets of family back to back and were expecting a few days grace period to get the house shipshape again before friends arrived to see in the new year.

Instead my parents tacked on an extra few days without asking, made suggestions of staying over the new year as they’d discovered their friends were also visiting the area, to which we politely reiterated that wasn’t possible as all bedrooms were spoken for once our friends arrived. Then proceeded to be put out and upset by our frantic cleaning and changing of the bedsheets on New Year’s Eve as we tried to get things sorted for our friends.

The whole visit culminated in some harsh words when it became apparent they were dragging their feet to see if our friends were actually arriving, which they did en masse in time for lunch as we’d warned them they would.

Sadly some people are just very self-absorbed CFs so you have to spell it out for them or risk having your kind nature taken advantage of.

MichelleScarn · 28/12/2022 08:09

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I'd take them up on this offer and present them with a list. 'Here's the list for the food you offered to get in, thanks so much'!
Probably won't see them for dust, or if they come back empty handed, don't feed them again!

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/12/2022 08:24

I quite like that idea @MichelleScarn - but then wouldn't OP have to let them stay if they did get the shopping?

daisychain01 · 28/12/2022 08:27

There's always at least one of these threads on MN every year. The problem is always

  • vague communication between hosts and guests
  • inability of host to keep to the agreed dates, buckling to pressure even when guests declare they're staying a further period and outstaying their welcome.

no matter how many permutations you're given OP, it's seems based on how you've described the conversations between your guests, that you're someone who struggles with telling your guests the unvarnished truth, giving a date by when the invitation expires and people are now taking advantage of your generosity and hospitality. Makes me wonder if they're the friends you think they are, or just hangers on, especially when they treat your home like a hotel because of where you live.

Unbelievably inconsiderate and lacking in social awareness.

daisychain01 · 28/12/2022 08:28

I doubt you'd cause them offence whatever you say, they're that thick-skinned.

Wauden · 28/12/2022 08:29

OP, I sympathise, but you did say that they could stay sometime until NY, which was vague.

SnowAndIceLobelia · 28/12/2022 08:32

I really sympathise as we live in a tourist area that has a couple of big events annually. So this happens to us as well and after 20 years of this sort of crap I am only now finally able to put my foot down.

We 'fixed' it by selling the bed in our spare room and turning it into a library. No space for visitors.

tell them the man in a van is coming to collect the bed tomorrow.

Starcircle · 28/12/2022 08:43

I would just say “if it’s ok I think we just need a few days to get ourselves sorted before starting work again etc” - it’s polite and I think they’d get the hint to leave

shreddednips · 28/12/2022 08:48

Was the arrangement that they stay until today or some unspecified point between Xmas and new year? I wasn't sure from your OP. If today was a clear going home date, I'd just say something like we've loved having you, but we do have a lot to get done before everyone goes back to work and school and we'll need to keep to the arrangement please.

If the date was vague, I can just about see how they think it's ok to stay longer if they're thinking the leaving date is flexible as long as it's before new year. I still can't imagine not checking in with my host and basically saying, would you like us to leave today/tomorrow as we don't want to be in your way if you've got things to do, but the vagueness won't have helped.

Next time, can you set a fixed leaving date when you make the arrangement? Something like 'we'd love to have you come and stay, let's do between the 24th and 26th as we have XYZ coming to stay on the 27th.'

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