Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

I do fear hurting relatives feelings

OP, your feelings are equally important, and in your own home, your feelings come first.

It's a very tricky situation. Some people are really thick skinned, or only care about their needs. One of my husband's adult male relatives in his 30's has just done a similar thing, despite my children and DH being ill the week before Christmas and during Christmas with flu and D&V. Adult male who is very overbearing and loud, has own car, house, girlfriend, & lives a commutable distance. He is also really disrespectful, and laughs at me and walks off when I try to discuss things. Things came to a head after he announced he was staying an extra day and night (which then turned into most of the following day as well). I am exhausted, and it has been really unpleasant.

Sorry OP- that doesn't really help you, but I would try and resolve before things get unpleasant for you.

Just tell them they need to leave. As for train disruptions we've all known about them over the Christmas period, so they should have planned for that.

You really need to be clearer and more direct in your communication.
You asked them before they came how long they were staying for and they were wishy washy. Don't ask them how long they are staying for when making the arrangements, tell them how long they can stay for. So "You're welcome to stay until the 28th but after that we have other plans. Let us know if you want to stay until the 28th or if you are going to leave before then so we can plan how much food to buy".

And this:
So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive
I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food

Perhaps you were a bit overwhelmed by this but you had two opportunities to state when they had to leave by. Not I need to know your plans sort of thing and whether you are staying longer, simply stating that they are welcome to stay until x date but after that you've already made plans with the family.

I don't know why people have problems stating clearly what is and isn't to happen but there are so many threads on here like this.
In future, set your boundaries and stick to them. Guests welcome until 28th.

I think this is the best suggestion yet!

I’ve had similar with a friend who arrives telling me she’s staying 3 days, then will casually let me know she’s leaving a day or two later. It’s rude and annoying , and I don’t invite her much any more.

Buses and coaches exist. As do car hire.

Definitely this!!
Nothing says time to go clearer than this. They do it hospitals so why not your home?

I never have invitations which are open-ended beyond 24 hours. Usually we arrange when someone will leave and occasionally leave it as Thurs/Fri to be a bit flexible. Definitely not flexible across a full week.

It’s tricky to say to someone after you’ve been so flexible, that you want them to go TODAY. I think the soonest could be tomorrow.

’I think we need to pin down when you’re planning to go home. It would work really well for us if we did some nice things today and you headed off by lunchtime tomorrow as then we’ll have time to get on with some jobs we need to do. Shall I make a lovely breakfast for tomorrow and plan for that to be the last meal?’

All of this can be phrased as questions, or statements if you’d be worried they’d ‘turn down’ the ‘offer’ to leave.

The thing is though, that if you make a totally open ended hosting offer and aren’t willing to speak up, you cane sally be left with long term house guests and really need to take some responsibility for it happening.

There is nothing wrong or rude at pinning down the details of the invitation in advance. Most people would prefer it because then everyone knows where they are. Guests can think about taking the hosts out for 1 or 2 or 3 meals,nor getting a couple of takeaways or offering to cook 1 or 2 or 3 meals whilst staying, if they know the length of the stay. Most people have to get back for other stuff too and aren’t totally flexible.

Just say 'you'll need to go by x because x is coming/happening. Thanks'

As they came by train, say you've been reading about the strikes in the news, and you think it's best they set off ASAP in case any new dates are announced.

Perfect!

I find some answers tremendously childish: turn off the heating, put cabbage… nothing wrong with plain adult communication.

"I should have been a bit more clear earlier. I was just taken aback when I heard your plans. We really need quiet family time for the new year and we just wont cope with guests staying longer. When we chatted about this, we agreed youd leave after christmas and we've already planned out our alone time so I'd really appreciate it if we could set a day for you going. How about the tomorrow/insert date here?"

This is perfect. Your conversation with them sounded more like you were saying that was all fine, you just need more food!

It’s your house-be decisive!

You are going to have to be strong.

Google when the train would get them home. Then tell them you've checked and trains are ok x day.

Then say we've loved having you but we also need some family time to relax. If you have children say you need time to play with them. If you don't, say you need time to relax.

This is completely reasonable. The problem here is them, not you. They are being very rude and they are impacting your feelings.

We had guests (whom I love dearly) from the 23rd until yesterday. I was very happy to wave goodbye as I really do need to spend time with the kids and have some time to myself after the hectic Christmas run up.

OP you sound like a saint!

My absolute favourite 👏🏻

There is nothing wrong or rude at pinning down the details of the invitation in advance. Most people would prefer it because then everyone knows where they are.

Indeed - in fact, the reverse is true, creating shared expectations about the dates for the hospitality to start and ends is courteous and thoughtful, not wrong or rude because by pinning down dates it means it avoids the uncomfortable conversation the OP is now subjecting themselves and their guests to.

I expect somewhere in Debrett's Guide on Etiquette and Modern Manners it mentions this topic.

We had guests like this when we lived in Paris. They would call us on the Thursday and TELL us they were arriving for the weekend the next day. A weekend would often end up being a week.

They would never buy dinner if we went out (or even pay their share), or even buy us a bottle of wine. DH used to take the call and be all English and polite and tell them it would be lovely to see them. The last time they called I picked up and told them they would need to book into a hotel as we had a house full that weekend. Cue screaming down the phone about how unfair I was as their flights were non-refundable, they would sleep on the floor etc etc. I said it wasn’t convenient and put the phone down. Didn’t hear from them again until we moved back to London and they wanted a bed for the night…

Brilliant. I’d do this!

It's not clear from your OP what exactly the arrangement was. If the agreement was they come and leave some time before NY day then I would see the polite thing to do as to host them until then and remember to be more specific next time you have guests. If you told them you need them out by x date then I don't think it's rude to be direct and cut through any philandering and tell them they must leave. No explanation should be needed. I think the problem you've made for yourself is making it so ambiguous. It's the crimbo limbo, they're comfortable (which is probably down to you being an excellent host btw) and it sounds as if it's a very nice touristy location. Of course they're going to want to stay until the bitter end.

I agree, I think there's a good chance that saving on the heating bills is the thing that's driving them!

Trains are running this week so they have to go. My son is leaving early for this reason

Make no mistake they had this planned all along, they see you as a soft touch, they think that all they have to do is->🥺
and you will fold

Plenty of good suggestions here

I'll just add they're not thick skinned

They know they're not wanted. They know you're uncomfortable. They just don't give a shit

So don't sit there worrying about hurting their feelings. They don't care about yours one bit

Now get them out!

Yes, I'd go for this. Be honest, no drama needed.

'It's been lovely having you but we need time to sort things out around the house now, so you'll need to head home by Thursday, okay?'

And if it feels like you're being rude, consider that they have been very inconsiderate and rude of you and your space and time. I'm always very conscious of imposing on people - that's pretty basic manners.