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Original poster

Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

686 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 27/12/2022 23:05

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

OP posts:
Liorae · 28/12/2022 00:39

Menomenon · 27/12/2022 23:16

This is bizarre. Who treats their hosts like that?

Adult offspring usually.

user1492757084 · 28/12/2022 00:48

Yes, you need to be firm. In future always set a distinct time for arrival and departure. Old Chinese proverb says - after three days all guests stink. It is different if there are private guest quarters and they are a paying guest and spending most of their time amusing themselves.

Itisbetter · 28/12/2022 01:03

I think you are repainting

Farmgateandmilkchurns · 28/12/2022 01:04

Never ever let people stay without an end date. This is hosting 101

The trouble is, you can be very clear about the end date and your guests can agree, and then they go against their word!

This happened to us when hosting a few years ago. We had been very explicit about my husband needing down time between hosting and starting back to work and they completely ignored this and said they had changed their travel dates. We had really rolled out the red carpet for them too. It was a shame because it led to an awkward situation after we had had a really nice time and it makes me wary about hosting them again.

Pantsomime · 28/12/2022 01:16

Forget all the passive aggressive stuff and being rude like stripping beds. Communicate and say we need downtime, it’s been lovely to have you but we need to be alone. Could you please leave on either x or y?

pizzaHeart · 28/12/2022 01:20

I agree that you have to tell them asap that you have some plans so they have to leave. I wouldn’t take their bedding off, it could be genuine misunderstanding rather then CF on their side.

kateandme · 28/12/2022 01:28

Quietly take the nicest one aside and say. " iv e loved you being here you no that ,it's our best time of year when you come( lay it on).but before life starts up again me and really need some alone time, just the two/however many of us.so if we can stick to our original leaving plans"
you shouldn't have to spell it out this much.but more than that would be fucking ridiculous.

Fuckstix · 28/12/2022 01:37

Don't start stripping beds or hinting about travel plans. Talking about buying food has muddied the waters for that as it seems that you've agreed as long as that is sorted. Just grit your teeth, smile and have the conversation.

pompomdaisy · 28/12/2022 01:40

Are they meant to be friends because I don't have any friends who would treat me like that? Perhaps they love you for your location!

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2022 01:54

hugefanofcheese · 28/12/2022 00:00

Are.they still up? I'd so address it tonight so they can't go to bed making plans for.a walk on the coast or whatever tomorrow. If not, catch them early tomo morning. I was a bit confused whether they were invited until tomo or an unspecified date between Christmas and NY but assume tomorrow was mentioned at some point.

Approach with a smile, say you're sorry if there's been any confusion, you were caught on the hop earlier but as much as you've loved having them, you will need to stick to tomorrow. It's of course nothing personal but after hosting over Christmas you need a few days to relax and regroup before work/ normal commitments start again. Best to be honest and a bit candid. They'd have to have a bloody thick skin to try and problem solve this.

This. And if they get affronted, turn it on them. ‘Yes, I feel the same after you told me you intended to stay after the agreed date.’

Kanaloa · 28/12/2022 02:04

I don’t understand how the conversation ended? You said ‘when are you leaving’ and they were ‘evasive.’ Surely at that point you said ‘no really, I need to know when you’ll be leaving so I can organise myself.’

RiverSkater · 28/12/2022 02:24

Kanaloa · 28/12/2022 02:04

I don’t understand how the conversation ended? You said ‘when are you leaving’ and they were ‘evasive.’ Surely at that point you said ‘no really, I need to know when you’ll be leaving so I can organise myself.’

No, OP just tell them tomorrow.

If they say New Year's Day then you are screwed!!

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 28/12/2022 02:31

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food

Well, this was seriously the wrong thing to say.

Way to make it seem like you just need to know if you need to get more food in to accommodate them…..?

They will think it’s fine to stay on.

Lots of good suggestions in the thread, but you need to do it soon, since the above ^^ comment from you will have lulled them into a false sense of security.

Clymene · 28/12/2022 02:32

You say 'will you be leaving before or after lunch tomorrow'?

smooththecat · 28/12/2022 03:14

It was so interesting that once I moved away from the idyllic place I used to live I suddenly had far fewer friends.

TheaBrandt · 28/12/2022 03:23

Was it Jane Austen who coined the phase “you have delighted us long enough”

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 28/12/2022 03:55

Why would you arrange a flexible “sometime between Christmas and New Year” if you actually meant “the 28th”? And then say that you need to know for catering reasons, rather than saying that you need some downtime?
Tbh, I think you need to suck it up this time, unless you want to cause a breach. And be more clear in the future, whether with these particular people, or anyone else that you invite to stay.
I’m also struggling with peoples idea that it might be adult children, because I can’t envisage any circumstances where I would be trying to shoe horn my kids out of my door, after inviting them to stay. I can only assume that these are friends that you’ve invited, so one has to assume that you do value the friendship. If not, then just tell them that they’ve outstayed their welcome, but don’t expect the friendship to survive if you do.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/12/2022 05:21

How do people have friends close enough to stay that long, for Christmas, yet not so close you can't say:

'I love you but if you don't go home that's going to change. Off you fuck now/tomorrow/before lunch, lovely to see you, byeeeeeeeeee'.

Gruffalo101 · 28/12/2022 05:57

My sister had a similar problem with people inviting themselves to her large house in a holiday destination. She developed a strategy of establishing very specific time limits with solid reasons for why they needed to leave on the agreed day so there could me no room for manoeuvre Eg We have to go somewhere or someone else is coming. The amount of times visitors just decided to stay longer with no thought to their hosts was unbelievable.

Fortunately for her she has inlaws and family who live far away and so can conveniently use their needs as a good excuse to not be there. It is a shame that people are so selfish that they don't see it from the hosts perspective, how much wirk it involves and how stressful it is not to mention cost, especially now . My sister learned the hard way you can be too good a host and too accommodating, because people just end up exploiting your good nature.

I would say I'm happy to host for another day or so but honestly I really want to get the house ship shape before I get back to work and had just mmade arrangements to chill quietly over the New year with family for a few days. No offence enjoyed your company but need a little decompression time. I'm sure you understand.

or for added benefit...

You'll understand when we come to yours next year !!!! 🤣
They might not be so keen when the self invite is reciprocated.

Just say you're enjoyed their company but youre tired after the holidays. Plan a response for any offer of 'we will help with cleaning cooking etc' say you had planned for quiet family chill time.

Good luck.

catsnthat · 28/12/2022 06:03

You need to be very blunt I'm afraid. By asking them "because I need to know about food" is giving them the green light, if you want them to leave you need to tell them straight you need some family time to chill before going back to work/school.

mathanxiety · 28/12/2022 06:18

Do you realise thst your response to them was basically an open invitation to stay as long as they wanted?

You fussed about food and made it look as if you were apologizing to them for not having enough.

It also seems you invited them in the first place to stay until New Years.

If you want people to stay for five days and then leave, then you should invite them for five specific days. You should not give them the impression that they are free to stay as long as they feel like it.

If you feel they should leave now, then you need to speak very clearly to them about leaving.

You're the author of your own unhappiness here I'm afraid.

notsorich · 28/12/2022 06:27

Was there ever a fixed date, or was it as vague as 'sometime between Christmas and New Year'? Because if it was that vague, staying until the New Year isn't changing the terms. They've been given an invitation to stay that long and assume they're welcome until that long.

I think it's a bit mean to chuck your guests out early, especially at this time of year. If you can't take it anymore, could you perhaps have to go back to work early, so you need them to go home tomorrow, to give you enough downtime by yourself before going back to work? I.e. could you come up with a white lie that doesn't mean you're chucking them out because you want rid of them, but also isn't something they can 'solve' for you?

Next time, especially given you live in a holiday hotspot, I think you need to be firmer with your dates - 'You're welcome to visit us on X and stay as long as you like up until Y. We have plans after Y, so we can't host you after then.' If you set expectations upfront, no one has any cause to feel put out or unhappy.

Coffeetree · 28/12/2022 06:38

I agree that if the arrangement was that they stay until "between Christmas and the New year", it's not outrageous for them to expect to stay until the new year.

However if you asked them when they were leaving, they were absolutely outrageous to be evasive! As a PP said, I can't even imagine that conversation. I mean, what, did they just say, "Yeah not sure" and then walk away?

If a host asked me how long I was staying I'd be mortified and start packing!

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2022 06:38

It sounds like you need to use your words and say to them that it was lovely to see them but it’s not convenient for them to stay any longer

UncomfortableBadger · 28/12/2022 06:47

Friends of ours had a similar experience a few years back & managed to get the interlopers gone by constructing a catastrophic boiler failure. People are remarkably keen to get a wiggle on if there’s no hot water available for showering or for heating…