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Original poster

Christmas cards: Effing hilarious

185 replies

Ancientbride · 20/12/2022 21:58

I got married this year after 30 years with my partner. It was a pragmatic decision, made for various reasons and something I ever thought I would do BUT just to be clear, it was a happy occasion. This Christmas every fucking card has been addressed to Mr & Mrs husband’s first name and surname. I didn’t actually change my surname and as far as I’m aware I haven’t changed my first name either. Everybody obviously thinks they are being hilarious but it’s really pissing me off!

OP posts:
HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 21/12/2022 17:40

Definitely the latter.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/12/2022 17:41

Luckily these days you can change your name or not as you please. And people do or do not as they want to.

The issue here is all about OP's relationship with her friends.

Powaqa · 21/12/2022 17:44

I didnt change my name for either marriage. I also use Ms and not Mrs. My Inlaws and my own parents always put Mr and Mrs His Initial and His name - despite knowing how much it annoys me. They do think it's funny, they have said so to my face. My MIL told me it was the law to change my name!!!
I don't care what convention/tradition is or was - surely it is more conventional to get someone's name right

sunglassesonthetable · 21/12/2022 17:51

Will you be speaking to them about it OP or just fume privately?

maddy68 · 21/12/2022 17:55

It's the "correct" way to address correspondence

Yes very outdated but I can't get worked up about it tbh

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 21/12/2022 17:57

maddy68 · 21/12/2022 17:55

It's the "correct" way to address correspondence

Yes very outdated but I can't get worked up about it tbh

It’s only the correct way to address people if that’s their name.

It’s not the correct way to address people if it’s not their name.

Why is this concept such a struggle?

pelargoniums · 21/12/2022 18:01

maddy68 · 21/12/2022 17:55

It's the "correct" way to address correspondence

Yes very outdated but I can't get worked up about it tbh

There are lots of outdated things that were once “correct” but then society moved on. For some reason we hang on to this, and I can’t fathom why tradition/Debrett’s/“correct” is a defence.

Scriabin · 21/12/2022 18:02

If they're doing it to be funny I would just say 'fing *' (trying to smile) as I put the envelope in the recycling and plan how I was going to address their Christmas card incorrectly the next year - just have some fun with it.

BasiliskStare · 21/12/2022 18:41

@ErrolTheDragon - re etiquette - absolutely agree.

Outmoded now but some will say Mr and Mrs (H initial) H last name is "correct "

Not if someone does not want to be addressed as such.

My SIL who married later in life loves being called Mrs DH name - A great friend of mine who is widowed loves being called Mrs DH name

Some don't and I think it is polite to go with people's choices.

Good friends I just tend to put their first names and & family if appropriate

For myself I reckon we get cards referring to DH as Mr Basilisk last name or me as Mrs Basilisk DH last name.

This isn't a hill I am going to die on. Where it matters I will comment but for to both of us not sure I care - for a letter or card to me only as Mrs Basilisk DH initial last name - that would piss me off.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/12/2022 18:46

Why is this concept such a struggle?

Is it though?

It's OPs mates who are struggling with it.

Genevieva · 21/12/2022 18:49

When I write to married friends who do not share a surname I just put their first names on the front: E.g. John and Sarah. When the cards inside is addressed to the parents and kids I address the envelope: The Smith Family. This is so they know that the children can open the letter. My old fashioned uncle who is a bachelor gets a card addressed to John Smith, Esq. If I am writing to other aunts and uncles or older married couples I write Mr and Mrs J Smith. Some Aussie relatives like being addressed Mr and Ms Smith, so I write that. They share a surname but she doesn't like Mrs. Basically, I think good etiquette means remembering how they like to be addressed and sticking to that.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 21/12/2022 18:50

sunglassesonthetable · 21/12/2022 18:46

Why is this concept such a struggle?

Is it though?

It's OPs mates who are struggling with it.

And all the people coming onto the thread to say it’s the ‘correct’ way to address people.

It has never been correct - least of all in Debretts - to address people by the wrong name and title.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/12/2022 18:52

And all the people coming onto the thread to say it’s the ‘correct’ way to address people.

Well it's hardly a tidal wave. A small handful.

Yet handmaidens and all the rest in response.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/12/2022 18:55

I just wonder why OP's friends are so out of step with her?
Are they her friends?
Is it joke?
Did they go to the wedding?
Is she going to tell them?
Is she going to be annoyed all Christmas?
Did she send them a card?

TheClitterati · 21/12/2022 19:29

Yes it's very tedious & annoying op.

N the bright side at least it's not your name on an envelope in the bin? 😬

DuckonaBike · 21/12/2022 20:44

Sympathies OP. This does indeed come up every year on MN and I don’t understand why people think it doesn’t matter to get a person’s name wrong. I suspect that at some level they feel that women who don’t take their husband’s name are being difficult or silly, so they should just suck it up.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/12/2022 20:51

Sympathies OP. This does indeed come up every year on MN and I don’t understand why people think it doesn’t matter to get a person’s name wrong. I suspect that at some level they feel that women who don’t take their husband’s name are being difficult or silly, so they should just suck it up.

God alive.

surreygirl1987 · 21/12/2022 20:58

No, I think @DuckonaBike is spot on. I've certainly felt like that's how people think about me when I point actually I'm not (and have never been!) Mrs, and that my surname is not my husband's.

DuckonaBike · 21/12/2022 21:01

I think that must be at least partly the explanation - otherwise, why are people sometimes so dismissive of the fact that someone doesn’t like being addressed by the wrong name?

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/12/2022 21:07

surreygirl1987 · 21/12/2022 20:58

No, I think @DuckonaBike is spot on. I've certainly felt like that's how people think about me when I point actually I'm not (and have never been!) Mrs, and that my surname is not my husband's.

Yes, agreed. My bil seems to take it as a personal insult that I haven't taken his brother's surname. I had to get the secondary school to change from Mr and Mrs hisInitial hisSurname multiple timesfor each of my 3 children despite my name being clearly stated on each application form. One of the secretaries still insisted on calling me Mrs his Surname every time we spoke. As I was chair of the parents assoc for a while, she had quite a few dealings with me. It would have been much more effort for her to remember whose parent I was in that context.

Longbarn5 · 21/12/2022 21:10

To be honest it does get really confusing nowadays. We have married people and people cohabiting. Then there are people of different genders so it is hard to get things exactly right all the time but, to be honest, while there is of course nothing wrong with keeping your maiden name it is definitely not traditional and not what people expect so unless you have specifically told people and they have made a note you cant expect them to know.

CovertImage · 21/12/2022 21:15

Mumsnet outrage. Quite similiar to TRA outrage ironically. Makes about the same amount of sense

babyjellyfish · 22/12/2022 08:58

DuckonaBike · 21/12/2022 20:44

Sympathies OP. This does indeed come up every year on MN and I don’t understand why people think it doesn’t matter to get a person’s name wrong. I suspect that at some level they feel that women who don’t take their husband’s name are being difficult or silly, so they should just suck it up.

I actually think it goes deeper than that.

There are a lot of women out there who couldn't wait to take their husband's name and show the world that they were married. Possibly a cultural hangover from the days when being a spinster/old maid/left on the shelf really was looked down on and made women an object of pity. And also women who perhaps weren't that excited about changing their names but did it just because they thought it's what you do.

But now there's this other school of thought that says, actually, you don't have to do this, it's kind of a sexist tradition, it's not a feminist choice. And the women who changed their names feel a little bit judged, so they double down by dismissing women who have made a different choice.

I think everyone should be free to do what they like. But I will say that whilst I do see people not respecting the choice of women who have decided to keep their birth names, I have never seen women who decided to keep their names deliberately referring to women who decided to change their names by their birth names.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/12/2022 09:27

There are a lot of women out there who couldn't wait to take their husband's name and show the world that they were married. Possibly a cultural hangover from the days when being a spinster/old maid/left on the shelf really was looked down on and made women an object of pity. And also women who perhaps weren't that excited about changing their names but did it just because they thought it's what you do.

Oh, I think there are quite a few women out there who hold marriage to be the gold standard of achievement as a woman and who want to retain their status, so those of us who reject the institution and accoutrements of marriage are threatening to them.

BellaAmorosa · 22/12/2022 09:31

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/12/2022 22:39

Return to Sender. Not known at this address

😂😂

Seriously though, @Ancientbride, I would be furious, too. Mr and Mrs Hissurname would be bad enough but Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname is taking the piss - and that mode of address was outdated 30 years ago.