Christmas cards: Effing hilarious

[Ancientbride]

I got married this year after 30 years with my partner. It was a pragmatic decision, made for various reasons and something I ever thought I would do BUT just to be clear, it was a happy occasion. This Christmas every fucking card has been addressed to Mr & Mrs husband’s first name and surname. I didn’t actually change my surname and as far as I’m aware I haven’t changed my first name either. Everybody obviously thinks they are being hilarious but it’s really pissing me off!

I'm late 40s and actually changed the database at work from Mr & Mrs A Smith to A & Mrs B Smith. Took me ages but worth it to give 50% of our client's their identity back!

Me too.

(I couldn't change my surname fast enough once the ink had dried on the Marriage Certificate.)

(Whispers back) I love it too...

This is why I just address envelopes as First Name and First Name. It’s not Debretts approved but it’s short to write, and I know they use those names.

I'm early 30s and get this all the time. We resorted to address labels and the occasional note in a Xmas card. Still get all sorts and raised eyebrows.

It's worse since DC as they are double-barelled. Because now we get addressed as Mr and Mrs Double-Barelled or Double-Barelled Family. This I don't mind so much. I would have double barreled if FIL hadn't cried to my DH about the end of his line... (though absolutely not a Mrs - why does everyone get to know my marital status and not my DH's?)

If I don't know know. I just put firstname and first name on the envelope. Quick and easy.

I'm nearer 60 than 50 and I've never addressed a letter that way....I don't even put "Mr &Mrs" I just put "to "A & B Smith" or "A Smith and B Jones". Probably because I grew up listening to my mum having a grumble every time "Mr & Mrs dad's name" was on a letter.

On what planet is late 40s considered “older”?? My 80 year old mother could reasonably be thought of as an “older” person. Late 40s me? Definitely not thank you very much.

Why do you assume sexist claptrap has anything to do with age anyway? There are far too many 20 somethings only too happy to label themselves some bloke’s “wifey” or “Missus” 🤮

I would say and do nothing, basically would just act nonchalant like it's a total non issue (and probably not even mention it).

But next year you bet your ass every single one of their cards is getting addressed to Mrs & Mr Woman's first name / Couples surname.

I can be hilarious too.

YANBU
Ever since I've been married my Grandma addresses all card to me as Mrs (husbands initial) (surname). I did change my surname, but the change of initial really irritates me. I've told her but she just keeps telling me that's what we all did. So frustrating!

I love that your husband said he would hate that when you reversed it.. And that he could not see why you were upset until then makes me despair. Who still gets more than a couple of Christmas cards??

Watch out for the slow creep of this lazy assumption before it has significant consequences. A series of assumptions that I just let slide meant we had some real difficulties with our mortgage company recently when the way the broker had described us on the paperwork didn’t match what the bank had and further didn’t match what the solicitor tried to do with the Land Registry paperwork.

I second the advice to get address labels with the correct names, and for good measure put yourself first.

How on earth is using her correct name the equivalent of not acknowledging her marriage?

I cannot get worked up about this. Of all the things going on in the world, if this is all you have to worry about then count your blessings. And I consider myself a feminist.

And the obvious Christmas card dig too. Lots of people still get piles of Christmas cards. Look round the shop, many still being sold. If it's not your bag, fine. There's plenty about Christmas I don't like too.

I’m sure they’re not doing it to be funny, or to purposely erase your name. But as it’s your first year as a married couple, they probably thought it’s nice to be able to put ‘Mr and Mrs’ on a card for the first time. I must admit the husband’s first name also being there would annoy me, but the ‘Mr and Mrs’ part wouldn’t. I get you haven’t actually changed your name, but as others have said, it’s quicker when you’re writing loads of cards to just put that instead of 2 full names separately, plus I think they’re genuinely celebrating the fact you’re married.

How are people 'horrified' by this? No one died - just let people know.

The world is so eager to be offended

Oh FFS clearly I’d misunderstood and didn’t realise that everyone in OP’s extended circle of family/friends/acquaintances is well aware that she didn’t change her name. It’s not unreasonable to think that some people might not have known that.

I’m as feminist as they come (I didn’t take either of my husband’s names either, and have always been a Ms), but I really couldn’t get worked up at the fact that my DH’s 90-something year old (very lovely) grandmother puts Mr & Mrs X on a card. She means no offence by it so I don’t take any, and it’s really not the hill I’m going to die on! I just assumed it was a case of people doing what they’ve always done, not that OP’s family/ILs/friends/acquaintances would be so silly as to think it’s a ‘hilarious’ thing to do.

I didn't bother with initials when I addressed cards this year - saved time, and they're unnecessary as there aren't other adults with the same surnames living with them, no ambiguity. In the case of couples who don't have the same surname, I've decided the easiest thing with cards is to address the envelope to one and then both forenames (plus kids if apt) inside.

Mildly pissed off I still get some cards Dr and Mrs... either Mr and Mrs (DH doesn't care) or figure out how to address 2 people with the same title. It's quite rude to 'demote' one but not the other of a couple.

It was only the OPs kids who are 'horrified' by this. Probably they don't like people being disrespectful to their DM, and aren't used to this sexist format as mere convention.

to all those saying 'it doesn't matter, who cares, it's not important' etc etc - how many other instances of outdated sexist bollocks do you turn a blind eye to?

this would enrage me, OP

I get enraged by actions such as women’s biological existence being colonised by males, or people being arrested for thought crime.

I used to get enraged by being called ‘pet’ or ‘love’ or some such, or jokes, or conventions such as this. I don’t any more. I’ve no time for it, there are bigger battles to fight right now.

That doesn’t mean I’m saying that OP is wrong to be enraged by it, btw. Every woman should rage as much as she wants against the things that enrage her.

Anyway. This is the Christmas topic so I’m going to get back to peace and goodwill!

@Ancientbride whoever the idiots are, don’t let it get to you - that’s what they want, I think!

have you made any attempt previously to let people know how you want joint mail to be addressed?

If you have and these people have ignored it - strike them off your card list

if you haven't do these people have a crystal ball and know your stance on this?

If I sent a card to a couple that have just got married that year, all I can do - unless otherwise told is to use traditional addressing.

I think the older generation tend to do that. I just turn a blind eye to it - it's only the envelope, not the card. Just politely tell them you kept your maiden name.

I get it.

I actually get enraged on behalf of my SIL for this.

Not only has she now ceased to be her own individual person, her status has been downgraded too.

She not only kept her maiden name (which by the way to Pp isn't always the father's name, both SIL and DH have their mother's surnames) but she's gone from being a Professor to a Mrs.

It infuriates me. I send everything to Professor Xx and Mr Xx swapping my brother's surname for hers. It makes her laugh everytime, don't think my brother has even noticed.
.
I DID change my surname, but I actively made that choice, so I make sure I respect other people's choices in the same way.

The people saying "well what does it matter what other people refer to you by" I'd like to refer you to the current gender identity conversations...where it's made excruciatingly clear that actually, how other people refer to you, does matter