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Original poster

Just had christmas sprung on me!

327 replies

user39012 · 14/12/2022 12:05

FFS. Just ranting really.

Every single year we host christmas day. I've never once in 25 years had a christmas where we don't host extended family. BIL and his family stay for a few days at PIL's house and are waited on hand and foot by MIL and they all come here for the whole day.

This year I held out and didn't offer. We are in building chaos and we are all a bit frazzled. Instead we were going to PIL for christmas and I offered to cook there to help out. They live about 45 minutes away so we don't need to stay overnight. Unfortunately FiL isn't well and they have said that BIL and his family can't stay overnight. BIL lives about 2.5 hours away from PIL.

So now its proposed that we do the whole of Christmas instead and also host BIL and his family overnight - wife and 3 teenagers and a new enormous dog which isn't house trained and apparently can't go anywhere with a christmas tree or decorations or where cats aren't locked away (we have three).

I am so pissed off. I know its bah humbug and I appreciate that FIL isn't well and it would be too much but BIL's family have never once offered to host. In fact they've never even invited us to their house!

I might go full on grinch about it...

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2022 18:03

Is your FIL definitely terminally ill and will die in the next year?

The only reason is that we thought it was my MIL's 'last Christmas' for the last 6 years of her life - cancer, pretty horrendous and drawn out. We missed Christmases with my family and my SIL missed Christmas with her side of the family - her dad actually died before MIL. With hindsight, we should have just carried on as normal.

You definitely need to stop this cycle of hosting Christmas - I guess it's just timing of when to say it and keeping firm.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 14/12/2022 18:04

curiositydoll · 14/12/2022 14:04

I'd compromise and say I'll do lunch, they're welcome from 1-5pm.

But you will not have the dog in the house and can't accommodate overnight guests.

Not your problem where BIL stays, they'll have to get a travelodge.

This.
Certainly dog to kennels and BIL stays in a hotel.
You host but no overnight guests, or dogs.

ButterCrackers · 14/12/2022 18:05

Your bil and family can stay at a hotel locally because you cannot accommodate them. You have three cats and the cats cannot cope with their unhousetrained dog. The dog can stay at a kennels during the Christmas dinner at your place. No need to say anymore because they are not your problem. It’s sad for you and family about your fil so tell your bil that he can sort out his accommodation himself whilst you focus on giving your pil the best Christmas ever .

Coffeepot72 · 14/12/2022 18:06

I'd compromise and say I'll do lunch, they're welcome from 1-5pm.

But you will not have the dog in the house and can't accommodate overnight guests.

Excellent idea

MeridianB · 14/12/2022 18:20

You’ve done this for 25 years. 25 years! You told them you couldn’t do it this year. That hasn’t changed.

Your BIL sounds like a completely selfish knob who should step up, book a dog sitter and a hotel and make an effort for once. If he had any compassion he’d move heaven and earth to be helpful and supportive this year. His shortcomings shouldn’t push everything back onto you.

Talia99 · 14/12/2022 18:21

My family always have a big family Christmas. Over lockdown, it wasn’t possible (not able to travel to foreign country where we always gather). We all survived and made our own arrangements. I certainly don’t think I ‘didn’t have a Christmas’ the last couple of years.

pinkyredrose · 14/12/2022 18:22

I think it Bil's turn to host!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/12/2022 18:32

That sounds a good plan OP
I hope you all have the Christmases you need and want

FleasNavidad · 14/12/2022 18:47

"I am so pissed off. I know its bah humbug and I appreciate that FIL isn't well and it would be too much but BIL's family have never once offered to host. In fact they've never even invited us to their house!"

This paragraph is the reason you got the responses you did. You were absolutely being a martyr at this point instead of telling your husband to tell his brother to step up.

TicTac80 · 14/12/2022 19:04

user39012 · 14/12/2022 14:22

Thank you to everyone who has understood and offered suggestions. I will propose DH collects PIL vac brings them to and from ours. BiL and crew can come for the day if they want to (although I suspect they’ll say they can’t if the frog isn’t invited)

that sounds like a good plan, given the circumstances! Your BIL's dog is not your issue. I've got four cats and I wouldn't have any dogs over as I don't want my cats upset/stressed in their own home. Hope it all goes well :)

IcakethereforeIam · 14/12/2022 19:12

This thread has reminded me, Muppets Christmas Carol, 2nd best Christmas film.

WaddleAway · 14/12/2022 19:24

IcakethereforeIam · 14/12/2022 19:12

This thread has reminded me, Muppets Christmas Carol, 2nd best Christmas film.

It’s the 1st best Christmas film, surely?!

IcakethereforeIam · 14/12/2022 19:40

Nope, I am currently on a hill......bring it!

RachelGreep87 · 14/12/2022 19:53

You will be doing this for the rest of your life.
Next year will be "First Christmas without FIL so we can't rock the boat", then the routine is set.

WhoKnows2346 · 14/12/2022 20:04

Aw no!!!! So with it just 10 days away, I'm guessing a lot of the food has already been bought. Maybe as well as the dog not getting an invite ask BIL to bring certain foods such as a turkey crown etc, I doubt you'll see them this side of New Year!!! I love my PIL and very much miss my FIL. I know this isn't the Christmas you were hoping for but given the circumstances maybe you're the best person for the job xx Good luck xx

ivykaty44 · 14/12/2022 20:27

how can someone come and stay with a dog, when the dog can't be around the cats at the hosts house?

Thats just not reasonable, they need to find kennels for the dog or stay home and host their own xmas

DashingWhiteSergeant · 14/12/2022 20:35

Just say no. And let these grown adults organise their own dinner, like they do 364 other days a year.

you do not have to host.

DashingWhiteSergeant · 14/12/2022 20:37

Sorry @user39012 I replies not realising you had given more insight.

I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone, including you.

and I wish the frog a very Merry Christmas.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/12/2022 20:47

DashingWhiteSergeant · 14/12/2022 20:35

Just say no. And let these grown adults organise their own dinner, like they do 364 other days a year.

you do not have to host.

It isn't about the dinner tho is it? Its about a family wanting to spend the the last Christmas with a much loved parents. Makes it so much harder to say no.

I'm in a similar situation OP, you have my sympathy. Stand your ground on the things you can ie no dogs (or frogs!!) and ask them to bring specific contributions to reduce the pressure on you.
I hope you manage to have a really lovely special day .

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/12/2022 20:48

Sorry @DashingWhiteSergeant, I took a phone call mid post so missed your latest post (ironic that!)

DashingWhiteSergeant · 14/12/2022 20:49

Yes @RockingMyFiftiesNot - I posted not realising there was a bigger story. I have apologised to the op.

DashingWhiteSergeant · 14/12/2022 20:49

No worries. Crossed posts for us both @RockingMyFiftiesNot

LadyAstor · 14/12/2022 21:13

Please dont bend over and take this.

Think about your cats!

No is a compleye sentence.

StoppinBy · 14/12/2022 23:06

Following your update about FIL not making another Christmas, in that case, yes I would host it.

What I would also do is tell BIL that they can't stay. We travel that far for my nieces birthdays a couple of times a year, we do it in a day trip.

I'd they don't want to travel just for the day they can find somewhere else to stay and I would stand firm on that.

DisneyPrincesss · 14/12/2022 23:47

I would do it all. Do it in style. BIL staying over, big dinner, the works.

Apart from the dog. A big no to the pissy dog.