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Christmas

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Original poster

Just had christmas sprung on me!

327 replies

user39012 · 14/12/2022 12:05

FFS. Just ranting really.

Every single year we host christmas day. I've never once in 25 years had a christmas where we don't host extended family. BIL and his family stay for a few days at PIL's house and are waited on hand and foot by MIL and they all come here for the whole day.

This year I held out and didn't offer. We are in building chaos and we are all a bit frazzled. Instead we were going to PIL for christmas and I offered to cook there to help out. They live about 45 minutes away so we don't need to stay overnight. Unfortunately FiL isn't well and they have said that BIL and his family can't stay overnight. BIL lives about 2.5 hours away from PIL.

So now its proposed that we do the whole of Christmas instead and also host BIL and his family overnight - wife and 3 teenagers and a new enormous dog which isn't house trained and apparently can't go anywhere with a christmas tree or decorations or where cats aren't locked away (we have three).

I am so pissed off. I know its bah humbug and I appreciate that FIL isn't well and it would be too much but BIL's family have never once offered to host. In fact they've never even invited us to their house!

I might go full on grinch about it...

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 14/12/2022 16:08

Nope, no way, nu uh! DON'T DO IT OP! Tell them to book a hotel and book a meal out. DONT DO IT OP!

Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2022 16:08

Just read your updates.

If your FIL wasn't so ill I think I would just dig my heels in, however, he is ill and your DH and you feel obligated.

This is the year to say - I NEED YOUR HELP - to BIL & his family. Your house is under-going renovation so you CANNOT do it all.

You sort out the Christmas Roast but he and his family have to bring EVERYTHING ELSE:
Wine
Soft drinks
Crackers
Cheese course
Pudding / mince pies
Crisps & nibbles
Even if they do a food order and get it to arrive at your house - they need to sort it out.

Obviously 'no' to the dog (I say that as a dog owner), they can't just assume that a massive dog is welcome, particularly if you have other pets. It will also mean they leave quicker.

25 years is too long to do this kind of shit, you need to break the cycle but probably not when FIL is very ill/

Have you seen your side of the family at all over Christmas?

yesforone · 14/12/2022 16:09

Why does it always seem that one person/family is responsible for another's Christmas ? You are allowed to have an enjoyable, stress free Christmas too. We're turning into a nation of martyr's because of English politeness. Say no. They will survive and if grown adults, will be able to book a hotel for themselves and their giant dog.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 14/12/2022 16:21

toomuchlaundry · 14/12/2022 16:07

@Whatthediddlyfeck have you read all of OP's posts. The FIL is dying, bit of compassion towards the OP might not go amiss

I have every bit of compassion towards the OP, which is why I didn’t mince my words. It’s big girl pants time

MrsThimbles · 14/12/2022 16:25

user39012 · 14/12/2022 14:18

OK Everyone I’m out. This isn’t AIBU and I didn’t need a pile on when it’s a difficult enough situation as it is. I just wanted to rant. It isn’t a “DH problem” situation. DH is amazing and spending a massive amount of time looking after PIL.

FIL isn’t well enough to travel to BILs house anyway and it isn’t appropriate for the dog to be at PILs house either with FIL being so poorly. I love PIL enough to try to accommodate a last whole family Christmas Day. Doesn’t mean I’m happy about it but for the sake of family harmony and to make DH happy I will make the offer of lunch (no dogs invited).

if that makes me a martyr rather than a normal human being trying to keep everything as cheerful as possible at Christmas then so be it.

You’re lovely. 💐

1HappyTraveller · 14/12/2022 16:26

tell them no?
invite yourself to theirs?
tell them to get a hotel?

tell them to f*ck off?

don’t do this @user39012, they’re taking the p!ss. You shouldn’t have to do this every year, and you shouldn’t have to have your Christmas persistently ruined by their selfish behaviour!

JenniferBarkley · 14/12/2022 16:29

You are allowed to have an enjoyable, stress free Christmas too.

Again, her FIL is dying, it won't be enjoyable or stress free for any of them, but it will mean a lot to spend it together.

Scotty12 · 14/12/2022 16:30

If you decide you’re prepared to do this, try to do it in a way that works better for you, eg can the non house trained big dog stay somewhere else for Xmas eg a friend, kennels etc? Can you BIL and family look after something such as dessert/cheese/nibbles/another meal. Can they also bring air beds and own bed linen etc so you don’t have to make up so many beds. Lower your standards and get others to take responsibility for more stuff. Or have your PIL…and your BIL can see them some other time.

Original poster
user39012 · 14/12/2022 16:41

For those who have asked my family are in NZ. We see them in the summer.

OP posts:
carbuncleonapigsposterior · 14/12/2022 17:03

Sorry about FIL, however, do you mean to tell us that BIL and family have never done Christmas in their own home, how very bizarre and even more bizarre they think it's alright for you to host their entire family and large unwieldy, untrained dog to boot, they must know about your three cats. It's all been outlined here in various ways, either you host them, minus the dog in your home during the day. Perhaps they could pull their weight and go back to PIL place to stay and not be waited on hand and foot by them but stay there and help them out in some way. Really, under the circumstances why would they need this being spelt out are they just deliberately dense or plain selfish?

skyeisthelimit · 14/12/2022 17:11

Definitely make it clear that the dog isn't invited so that they have time to book kennels/stay home with the dog

shard5 · 14/12/2022 17:16

This year it's fils last Christmas but next year you'll be lumped with it again as it'll be mils first without her darling DH and you couldn't not do Christmas.
There'll be anew excuse every year unless you put your foot down and tell your bil.

Topseyt123 · 14/12/2022 17:20

user39012 · 14/12/2022 12:08

well if I do then nobody gets christmas...

Of course they will. Don't be a doormat. They can do their own Christmases in their own homes instead of being idle and expecting you to run around and wait on them.

Say no and stick to it. Your house is undergoing renovations and will not be ready.

aloris · 14/12/2022 17:26

Why can't BIL just book a hotel and put their dog in a kennel overnight? Why is it on you to bear all the work and expense of hosting while they swan in and out. and expect others to bear the cost of their choices?

SpacePotato · 14/12/2022 17:32

Your BIL and SIL have it cushy if they've never had to lift a bloody finger over xmas for all those years.

Waited on, no clean up etc, etc.

Why can't they stay in a hotel near Mil?

Sugarfree23 · 14/12/2022 17:37

Op I get it, and it sounds really tough. I would definitely suggest that Christmas is at BILs next year.

And a big fat no to the frog dog

lieselotte · 14/12/2022 17:38

shard5 · 14/12/2022 17:16

This year it's fils last Christmas but next year you'll be lumped with it again as it'll be mils first without her darling DH and you couldn't not do Christmas.
There'll be anew excuse every year unless you put your foot down and tell your bil.

Yes, I think this too. And FIL might still be here next Christmas - people can totally outlive a prognosis.

You are a better person than I am OP. But have a lovely time and make sure everyone mucks in and helps you.

elfies · 14/12/2022 17:39

So your Brother and sister in law have brought up three children and relied on other folk hosting every Christmas for twenty five Years.
Wow ...just wow !

Managinggenzoclock · 14/12/2022 17:45

My reply would be: On reflection sounds like everyone is in need of a quiet Christmas this year (I know we certainly are!) so let’s do Christmas in our own homes and we can catch up in the new year.

Bluekerfuffle · 14/12/2022 17:46

It’s not Christmas without a festive frog.

RovenderKitt · 14/12/2022 17:49

Sorry your FIL is so ill OP. I think you use the current situation at your home as the catalyst for setting things how you want them to be in future (because you will end up hosting when MIL is on her own) - as you have builders in and no time to prepare, BIL/SIL/DH will be doing/bringing x,y,z. Just because the venue is your house doesn’t make all the workload yours.

RovenderKitt · 14/12/2022 17:50

And put the frog chorus on your Xmas playlist

Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/12/2022 17:53

If they wish to come, due to your current circumstances, they will have to book accommodation nearby or come over for the day, and see if they can book Christmas dinner out. I would be adding this is why you did not offer to host this year.

Sunbird24 · 14/12/2022 17:58

Bluekerfuffle · 14/12/2022 17:46

It’s not Christmas without a festive frog.

A Yule frog if you will…

OP I’m sorry for your situation, and hope that however it works out you manage to make some lovely lasting memories with DFIL.

silverboggle · 14/12/2022 18:01

curiositydoll · 14/12/2022 14:04

I'd compromise and say I'll do lunch, they're welcome from 1-5pm.

But you will not have the dog in the house and can't accommodate overnight guests.

Not your problem where BIL stays, they'll have to get a travelodge.

Or go home to his dog. We used to drive 2.5 hrs each way to visit PIL. You just have to get on with it if there’s nowhere to stay with relatives and you can’t afford a hotel. Even travelodge is a fortune if you need multiple rooms because of teenagers ages. It’s not like his kids are small. They can cope with playing with their new gadgets in the car each way I’m sure.

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