Just had christmas sprung on me!

[user39012]

FFS. Just ranting really.

Every single year we host christmas day. I've never once in 25 years had a christmas where we don't host extended family. BIL and his family stay for a few days at PIL's house and are waited on hand and foot by MIL and they all come here for the whole day.

This year I held out and didn't offer. We are in building chaos and we are all a bit frazzled. Instead we were going to PIL for christmas and I offered to cook there to help out. They live about 45 minutes away so we don't need to stay overnight. Unfortunately FiL isn't well and they have said that BIL and his family can't stay overnight. BIL lives about 2.5 hours away from PIL.

So now its proposed that we do the whole of Christmas instead and also host BIL and his family overnight - wife and 3 teenagers and a new enormous dog which isn't house trained and apparently can't go anywhere with a christmas tree or decorations or where cats aren't locked away (we have three).

I am so pissed off. I know its bah humbug and I appreciate that FIL isn't well and it would be too much but BIL's family have never once offered to host. In fact they've never even invited us to their house!

I might go full on grinch about it...

😄 at ‘frog’. Hopefully that’ll give you a chuckle too!

Yep.
Either say no, not possible with the building work in our house.
Or host but be cheerful. Don't host and be a signing martyr.

If you say no and they want to all get-together, another solution will be found.

Sounds like a good plan OP.

No fucking frogs either!!!!!!

Well said OP.

You’re doing the absolute best you can @user39012. I hope it all goes well.

I agree about the dog. Your cats trump their dog, it's the cats' house.

So when your dh says he “wants us to be accommodating” does he mean he wants you to be accommodating?

If BIL can sort a dog sitter and an overnight hotel, and your dh can sort all the food shopping, cooking, and pre-guest house-cleaning, then there’s not a lot for you to do, is there?

So the answer is you will still go to mil and hel0mcook there as planed and bil findsother accommodation to stay as you can’t have bil at yours.

Indeed. Some women really are their own worst enemies.

And there is no way on this earth that I would accommodate a dog, even a well behaved one.

Sorry but it's kind of your fault. You need to say, " I'm really sorry guys, I've thought about the plans for Christmas. It's too much for me this year, with the renovations, so we're just going to have a quiet Christmas at home."

I think in the circumstances that is likely too much for PIL, even if they don't have to do any cooking. My dad just wasn't up to having his house invaded on his last Christmas, and my mum wasn't up to the worry of hosting. The PIL need to be scooped up and cared for. BIL needs to help with that.

Sounds like a good compromise.

I hope you have a lovely, loving day with your FIL and build happy memories to hang onto.

Merry Christmas.

I'm guessing BIL is the golden child / prodigal son that everyone in the family fits around and if @user39012 tries to say no her DH and PILs will give her a really hard time over it. I have a similar BIL who has never not spent Christmas with MIL. MIL hosts a lot, even though she's now in her 80s, I host a lot and SIL (who lives on the other side of the world) hosts a lot but BIL never does.

This year MIL is staying with us for December then going to SILs in the New Year for a few weeks. This is all good, MIL is lovely and an easy guest and it means we don't have to worry about her getting cold over the winter. Until DH says 'oh we have to invite BIL for Xmas as well'. I said 'no, he can spend Christmas with his own family in his own house' then I get all the sob stories start about why BIL can't do that. MIL then arrives at the beginning of December and tells me how grateful she is that we're having BIL for Xmas and I get all the sob stories again. Sigh.

OP, I have no idea what the best way to deal with this is if it's a DH issue. Last year DH and I had multiple arguments about how to deal with BIL and his family and what they were expecting us to do for them at Christmas. DH always expects me to put 'poor BIL' and what he wants before myself. When I refused to have BIL and his family last year they just went to MIL's house and expected her to deal with them all at the last minute (and indeed break the covid restrictions at the time). So they have me over a barrel, if I want to see MIL at Christmas I am expected to host BIL plus however many of his family choose to come. Fuck knows what he plans to do when she dies because at that point I will be able to say no without worrying about the impact on MIL.

Absolutely not. I would not put my cats out for anyone.

Lol your cats might enjoy a visit from a frog though doubt the frog would be impressed but I agree no dogs there. It's such a shame about some of the comments you have had but I hope you get it sorted and enjoy Christmas.

The only thing that's changed is that your BIL and family can't be accommodated and waited on at his parents' house, but that definitely doesn't make it your duty to do so. He can go for a hotel and boarding kennels if they need to stay over.

Glad you've dug your heels in about having them to stay. Your offer seems the best solution in all the circumstances. Hope it all goes reasonably OK.

Sounds like you’ve reached a plan, the only thing I would add is you or your DP need to tell BIL now and make it absolutely crystal clear that they plus the dog can not stay with you and they need to arrange accommodation now or stay at home and just visit for a few hours (or see FIL another time). It’s absolutely not fair on you or the cats to have a massive dog staying- you could easily end up with a seriously injured cat or at the very least a trashed house. But I suspect if you don’t make this very very clear their plans will “fall apart” and they’ll try to come and stay anyway.

That's ridiculous. And martyrish (if that's a word). Your BIL is an adult, he can sort out his own Christmas. If you don't want to have him and his family, and their dog, staying over in your house then say so and between you all you can come up with a plan that doesn't involve everything falling on you.

I mean this kindly but, bollocks.

Everyone will have a nice Christmas, your BIL and his family may learn to less selfish if you don't host. It will just be different.

There's a very funny kids' book by Anne Fine called The More the Merrier which is about this kind of situation, a house full of unwanted relatives and a frazzled set of parents. Probably less funny to have to actually go through though.

I'm glad you're standing your ground. Having everyone, including a puppy and three cats, at yours would not be the family Christmas your husband want to have with his Dad.

OP - AIBU to be furious about this?

All of MN - Yes, absolutely. They're taking advantage

OP - oh it's not that bad really. You're all being unkind

Spent ages writing my post then saw the OPs updates. Hosting the meal without house guests is definitely the best option. The year after FIL died we had all of DHs family staying here for a week for Christmas. There were 12 people in the house and it was such hard work but I wanted to do it for MIL so she felt surrounded by love for her first Christmas as a widow. Sometimes we grown ups choose to do things that aren't fun as a gift to other people, that doesn't make us martyrs. Your PILs and DH will appreciate it. And find some a local dog friendly self catering place for next year to suggest for bIL for next year.