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Original poster

Just had christmas sprung on me!

327 replies

user39012 · 14/12/2022 12:05

FFS. Just ranting really.

Every single year we host christmas day. I've never once in 25 years had a christmas where we don't host extended family. BIL and his family stay for a few days at PIL's house and are waited on hand and foot by MIL and they all come here for the whole day.

This year I held out and didn't offer. We are in building chaos and we are all a bit frazzled. Instead we were going to PIL for christmas and I offered to cook there to help out. They live about 45 minutes away so we don't need to stay overnight. Unfortunately FiL isn't well and they have said that BIL and his family can't stay overnight. BIL lives about 2.5 hours away from PIL.

So now its proposed that we do the whole of Christmas instead and also host BIL and his family overnight - wife and 3 teenagers and a new enormous dog which isn't house trained and apparently can't go anywhere with a christmas tree or decorations or where cats aren't locked away (we have three).

I am so pissed off. I know its bah humbug and I appreciate that FIL isn't well and it would be too much but BIL's family have never once offered to host. In fact they've never even invited us to their house!

I might go full on grinch about it...

OP posts:
BadNomad · 14/12/2022 14:03

Is the dog the reason they can't stay with PIL?

latetothefisting · 14/12/2022 14:04

user39012 · 14/12/2022 12:08

well if I do then nobody gets christmas...

The smell of burning martyr....

curiositydoll · 14/12/2022 14:04

I'd compromise and say I'll do lunch, they're welcome from 1-5pm.

But you will not have the dog in the house and can't accommodate overnight guests.

Not your problem where BIL stays, they'll have to get a travelodge.

Floralnomad · 14/12/2022 14:05

I would absolutely be putting my foot down about the dog , the rest is manageable at a push . The likelihood is they won’t be able to find anyone to have the dog so won’t be able to come .

JenniferBarkley · 14/12/2022 14:05

Maybe everyone will be relieved that the grand tradition of everyone, spending every minute of the festive season together, is going to be over.

That's a particularly heartless thing to post in the circumstances.

OP I can see why you feel the way you do. Get BIL on board. Obviously no dog. Can they bring starters/desserts/drinks? It might be too late to book a hotel but if they can they should.

Make it clear that much as you're happy to ensure everyone can be together, your house is in uproar so it's going to be a very casual Christmas this year with everyone (except PIL) mucking in.

Also, excuse my cynicism, but next year will also be an emotional one for the family as the first one without FIL. Once you have this year out of the way, decide what you are willing to do so as to avoid setting a precedence and be proactive in planning that as soon as the summer is over.

Blossomtoes · 14/12/2022 14:05

Alternatively find a nice hotel in the middle of everyones houses that you would be happy to go to for lunch, tell everyone you have booked in there and they are welcome to join you.

Good luck with that the days before Christmas! Just say no, it’s not possible. Repeatedly.

champagneandsparkles · 14/12/2022 14:05

Just how ill is FIL, exactly? I assume the problem with asking BIL to host is likely to be that FIL is too ill for a 5 hour round trip or staying away overnight? So if you want to support DH to have a last family Christmas then that wouldn't work anyway.

Is FIL well enough to go with the original plan of you and DH cooking at their house as long as BIL finds a hotel? Too ill to host at all, but well enough to come to yours for dinner if you and DH could just about cope with daytime hosting (and BiL again needs to find a hotel and leave dog elsewhere)? Or is the truth that he's not really well enough for extended family Christmas this year in any shape or form and might be relieved to be released from it? My response would be likely to depend on those factors.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 14/12/2022 14:07

If you absolutely have to… why not all go to your PILs? You can ALL help out there - not just you. Everyone brings something, everyone joins in with cooking / clearing.

poefaced · 14/12/2022 14:07

Urgh are these OPs designed to just raise everyone's blood pressure.

You've been a doormat for 25 years, can't see it changing now when FIL has a year left.

Havehope21 · 14/12/2022 14:11

If you do host the Big Day, I would suggest local hotels for BIL and his family to stay in overnight

Havehope21 · 14/12/2022 14:12

Also, how about doing a 'bring a course' type thing so BIL can bring the canapes / starter and parents can bring the pud / cheeses / drinks etc. Helps take the pressure off you too.

Letthesunshineonin · 14/12/2022 14:13

If you really feel you have no choice tell them all the rules now. Absolutely no dog and absolute no staying over. Then they(BIL and family) can make their choice.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 14/12/2022 14:15

Why can't BIl stay at a hotel?
Presumably they can suck it up a little too.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/12/2022 14:15

Their failure to plan their own Christmas does not constitute a Christmas Emergency on your part where you have to step in and host them.

Absolutely not. I'd start looking for anywhere that you can find that would be open to having guests over the Christmas and Boxing day, spring it on your DH as a surprise Christmas present, pack and go and then only return home on 27th December. Feck the lot of them!!!

Cherrysoup · 14/12/2022 14:15

Don’t be a doormat. No to bil and his out of control dog terrorising your cats and destroying your house. They stay home, you go over with food to heat up for pils if you fancy. Who has this expectation of them all coming to you during renovations? Cos they can bugger off!

Suemademedoit · 14/12/2022 14:15

This sounds awful OP. Terminal FIL, new dog with guests, emotional DH, house guests AND hosting Christmas. It's too much. Something has to give.

You need to prioritize. What's most important? Probably FIL being with his spouse and children and grandchildren, and MIL/FIL not having to do much work.

You should do Christmas day in your house. Your DH can ferry your parents to/from their home to you. Your BIL and his family have to stay elsewhere, impossible having them over with the dog and your cats and building works and hosting Christmas. They will just have to do whatever they need to do.

Their dog is NOT your problem. Their living 2.5 hours away from terminally ill FIL is NOT your problem. They are adults, with teens of their own, I'm sure they have the ingenuity and brains to sort something out.

Blossomtoes · 14/12/2022 14:15

Having read the update, surely stick with Plan A and BiL just comes for the day having thrown money at a broke teenager who would enjoy dog sitting to avoid their family Christmas.

Cuckfancer · 14/12/2022 14:16

We managed to find a last minute premier Inn Christmas day night last year, in a similar situation when our host became unwell. If you were cooking anyway, then say you'll cook but they can't stay, it's too much work. And no to the bloody dog. You are not responsible for everybody's happiness. Also bil and family should be helping cook! Chancers x

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/12/2022 14:17

No is a complete sentence.

Alternatively, could you split the cost of an air bnb, you turn up m and s food? Again split the cost?

FriedEggChocolate · 14/12/2022 14:17

Following your update I'd ask your DH what he wants - it may be quiet one on one time with his dad, for example. Also see what your FIL, or indeed MIL, could cope with. Teenagers and a dog that mugs the Christmas tree isn't likely to be it. Who's idea was it for BIL's family to come to you? Your DH's, or the ILs?

I like @Havehope21's suggestion of everyone preparing one course, or meat / accompaniments or a pudding, presuming that your FIL may not be up to a big meal

Original poster
user39012 · 14/12/2022 14:18

OK Everyone I’m out. This isn’t AIBU and I didn’t need a pile on when it’s a difficult enough situation as it is. I just wanted to rant. It isn’t a “DH problem” situation. DH is amazing and spending a massive amount of time looking after PIL.

FIL isn’t well enough to travel to BILs house anyway and it isn’t appropriate for the dog to be at PILs house either with FIL being so poorly. I love PIL enough to try to accommodate a last whole family Christmas Day. Doesn’t mean I’m happy about it but for the sake of family harmony and to make DH happy I will make the offer of lunch (no dogs invited).

if that makes me a martyr rather than a normal human being trying to keep everything as cheerful as possible at Christmas then so be it.

OP posts:
WifeOfEddieMunson · 14/12/2022 14:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

DisneyPrincesss · 14/12/2022 14:20

At the very least, you should draw the line at the dog.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 14/12/2022 14:21

@user39012 It would have helped to have explained the circumstances in the OP, as many people don’t read the thread before they comment, and it’s not their fault that a huge chunk of context is missing.

Having said that, you did say in the OP that you were just having a rant.

Of course it’s understandable that you want to help and support your DH and the wider family this year. There have been some good suggestions, I think, on how to make it a little easier and not too stressful/difficult for you.

I wish you all a peaceful and happy Christmas. 🎄

Original poster
user39012 · 14/12/2022 14:22

Thank you to everyone who has understood and offered suggestions. I will propose DH collects PIL vac brings them to and from ours. BiL and crew can come for the day if they want to (although I suspect they’ll say they can’t if the frog isn’t invited)

OP posts: