What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

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My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

He's a glorified post man here, we buy he delivers . That way they know they can't always have everything they want.

Fingers crossed you can find a cheap second hand one though!

My kids want a pony, cost of living crisis or not it's never going to happen. Don't beat yourself up because you can't afford something.

Variation on a theme here but FC bought the stocking and a small present that couldn’t possibly come from mummy and daddy because it was what we considered tat,
My little pony, A team , Transformers, Snugglebums. ( All in the 80’s) and we made sure we pooh-poohed them before Christmas so they were ecstatic when they unwrapped them.
”Look, mummy, Look daddy. Look what he bought!”

Same with my son aged 10, last year. Luckily fruend of friend was selling for £180. He used his birthday money and it's well used.

Echoing what loads of PP have said but there’s loads on Facebook marketplace (I’m in Yorkshire) for £20, look fab condition.

My DC have had several pre-loved ‘big’ gifts like this - in fact, my DD wanted a play kitchen about 3 years ago and we found a wooden IKEA one with billions of play food and accessories for £30. I lovingly filled it with all the bits and pieces. Did she play with it? Did she shite. It sat for 3 months and I resold it!

Some very kind and lovely people on this thread. So nice to see! 🥰

I would say Facebook market place if it has to be that one rather than paying £70 at smyths,

failing that this pink kitchen is £20, you could get some big Minnie stickers and some polka dot stickers to pop on it to copy the other one! You could pop a tiny Minnie sticker on each of the accessories you can usually pick up stickers from home bargains type of shops round £1-£2 x

https://www.amazon.co.uk/EVERGD-Kitchen-Cookware-Features-Children/dp/B09GVGJ9QX/ref=asc_df_B09GVGJ9QX/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=570340370322&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6423946730072524886&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007033&hvtargid=pla-1607144719111&psc=1

We used to write a letter to Santa in the autumn with some "suggestions" and we understood that he could pick and choose which things to bring from that list, if anything. We had to write down at least 3/5 (can't remember and was obviously arbitrary) things and some would be small and some large. So it would be a list like "Barbie, some sweets, new hairbrush, stickers, camera".

That meant there was never a "he didn't bring me anything" moment.

I read an article about Santa Claus & thought it was so perfectly put. I'll link it here.

But it stuck with me. It basically says let santa bring the stocking or cheaper gifts.

Don’t let Santa take all the credit for Christmas www.thenational.scot/news/17301208.dont-let-santa-take-all-the-credit-for-christmas/?ref=twtrec

Good luck OP

It's fine to change the narrative around Santa now. She's 4, it will still be a magical day

Try and find one second hand, at 4 she won't notice or care. If there really is no way to get one, could you say that santa and elves are spending some of their time helping to make sure everyone has everything they need this year (like making extra warm jumpers), so don't have as much time to make big or complicated toys. Use it as a gentle introduction to needs coming before wants.

Perhaps explain you need to send the money to Santa and sadly you can't afford that much
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This is a good idea. Children need to know that money buys things. I think father Christmas delivering presents is a much better idea than him buying them.

Also I really hate the good girl/ bad girl narrative. You be good or father Christmas won't come us awful psychologically for children.
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We used to this as well but it was also made clear that Santa had a budget to ensure every child in the world got something, so we didn't take the piss. And we only got one present from Santa.

Tbh, OP, there will be Christmasses where she will be dissapointed but I doubt she will remember. My DD asked for a real, live timber wolf for Christmas when she became obsessed with the Balto movie. We explained to her that Santa didn't fly real animals in his sleigh as it was cruel and even crueller to try and stuff them down the chimney, but she wasn't budging. We bought a big, stuffed cuddly wolf for Christmas instead but she was still bloody furious Santa didn't bring her what she wanted.

Now she is 21, she doesn't remember any of this but she still loves Christmas!

It didn't matter what our children asked for at Christmas, the response was always "we will see what Santa can do, no promises". It never diminished the magic of Christmas and it covered us for situations where either we didn't think it was a suitable present, it wasn't within our budget or we had already purchased something else.

I dont doubt there was slight disappointment at times but tbh my children never once were anything other than delighted.

Be careful as a parent not to make too big an issue about affordability. A fun day and a nice meal with the family is more than a lot of children will have at Christmas.

Back when the Argos catalogue was a thing we used to get the kids to cut out pics of what they wanted, where I also stood nearby and made “suggestions” which they also cut out

the deal was that Santa would pick something from the list (obs one of the ones I had encouraged them to add)

they weren’t disappointed as they got something from their list.

could you do something similar?

We’ve mainly said Santa brings a stocking and a bigger present, but to be honest in years they’ve asked beyond reason, it’s not been noticed on the day when a couple of things on the list aren’t there.

Another one here, who always gave small stocking presents from Father Xmas and one big present from us. I think that's the norm, so you could change the narrative, I am sure lots of her friends will have the same. Now you are four.... and a bigger girl, and at school, this is what happens....

Completely missing the point, that kitchen is not something I would allow in my house, it would clash 😂Please don't spend new money on it, the very reason there are so many second hand is that it's appeal will decline very quickly. It's very theme, and very pink, this phase does not last a long time.

My wife used to to exactly that with ours. These days it’s taking screen prints on iPads!

Lots on marketplace all over the country for about £20, if you can get access to a car.
All of our gifts this year are from marketplace and I don't regret a single one.

Father Christmas to us and what I say to my child is that he delivers the presents and sometimes makes them. Basically he's the post man. We and other family members buy the presents and send them too him to deliver.
My parents said this to us. We grew up knowing the value of money whilst still having the magic of Father Christmas.

I didn't realised how many people state that Father Christmas makes and brings all the presents. How does the child say thank you for gifts??

We've always said Santa fills the stockings to avoid this issue and the times the kids ask for things like a mermaid unicorn or human sized edible banana.

There are several for about half price on Ebay and

I don't think the OP is coming back ...

Years ago my son wanted a particular toy, a giant Winnie the Pooh teddy, I couldn’t afford it as a single mum, it was over £100 and then lo and behold if I didn’t find a giant Winnie for sale in a charity shop for a tenner! My son was thrilled with it and he never knew where I got it (not that it mattered of course but I never mentioned). Hope you get the same good luck 🤞

Do you think it was a ‘go fund me’ type thing?

www.amazon.co.uk/EVERGD-Kitchen-Cookware-Features-Children/dp/B09GVGJ9QX/ref=asc_df_B09GVGJ9QX/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=570340370322&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10407846953478902455&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007290&hvtargid=pla-1607144719111&psc=1

Could you buy this one and add minnie mouse stickers?