What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

[UnTrussworthy]

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

Many years ago my dd wanted a particular doll from Santa, that I couldn't afford. So I got her a similar one but much cheaper and wrote her a note from Santa saying sorry and that he had run out of that particular doll. She was over the moon as she was the only one of her friends who Santa had written to.

I always grew up believing that Father Christmas brought smaller gifts for my sack and big presents were for my parents, I do the same for my children. I’d much rather do it this way so the kids are appreciative of people they know and appreciate value of money. I don’t think a 4 year old will question that, unless they’ve been told that every single present comes from him?

Can you and family not club together for the big present from you all? We all put £20-£25 per couple in per kid (for nieces & nephews/grandchildren) put it all together so the kids can get something they really want and one collective gift. Could that be an option?

Hi All,

Just wanted to re-update as I can see here there are many kind souls offering to help, and I’ve had a handful of messages offering to help/buy DD the Minnie Kitchen.

As mentioned above we’ve found a kitchen not too far away that we’re going to collect at the end of the week, the more I think about it the more excited I’m getting. I no longer feel dread when she talks about her Minnie Kitchen from Father Christmas!

I’m going to use an above posters idea of putting some sort of light wrapping/sheet/blanket over it for her to pull off on Christmas morning 🤭

I really appreciate everyone for the advice, and those who have offered to help, even during such difficult times we’ve other the cost of living crisis really had me overwhelmed and I agree with an above poster that donating to shelters and the Salvation Army to help those in need this winter.

We have a tradition where every year in oct/nov we sort through all of the toys, gather those that still have life but aren’t so loved anymore and donate them to the local charity shops. DD will choose a few toys that she no longer plays with and understands that she’s giving them to other little boys and girls who will love them.

I’ll likely ask for MNHQ to close the thread now, just so my update doesn’t get lost in a sea of comments.

Thanks again to everyone (and merry very-early Christmas! 🤣)

Give it to
-a women's shelter.
-A homeless shelter.
-Or your local food Bank.
-Or a baby bank.

OP doesn't want the money (or need it)

It will go directly towards things for those who are in need.

I'll always remember when I got my A La Carte kitchen in the 80s. I woke up and when I opened my bedroom door - there it was, on the landing, waiting for me! It was such a wonderful surprise, and I still remember it, many years on!
Why not do that - then you don't have to wrap it, just a big bow and tag would look nice.

Glad you got sorted for this year - but this is how I worked Christmas for me three, and it was always well received.

They got to write a list and were told that Santa would choose from that. There might have been a main gift they had their heart set on but funnily enough not all the often.

We told them that while Santa brings the pressies, he couldn't afford to get them for all the children in the world, so mummy and daddy send him some money, or even buy the gifts and send them to his shop in time for Christmas Eve.

I always had a pretty good idea what they would like anyway and I found that the trick was to manage their expectations. We never lost any of the magic, and it kept things in proportion.

They're 25, 23 and 19, and Santa still piles up their presents lol!

Buy a second hand one
Cut back on expenditure on something else and save for it
Buy an imitation that is cheaper
Sell something you no longer need and use that money
Lots of easy solutions OP

I wanted to reassure parents that have done or need to do this that it really didn’t spoil the childhood magic for me at all having being told this age 3. I can still feel the joy and magic of Christmas times and love bringing that back for my kids.

If you are blessed enough not to need to do this that’s great for now 😊

Be interested to know any alternative suggestions for explaining why I got Santa toys and a stocking every year whilst my Dad spent 3 weeks every year handing out 100s of Christmas shoeboxes to children who didn’t?

Although lets be fair Amazon would have sounded pretty magical too to a child in the early 90s 😂

Sorry relatively new to Mumsnet, I was trying to reply to you! 😬

I would tell the children that poor children's parents can't afford toys (or food or clothing etc.) And so people donate things to go into shoeboxes so they have something extra to open. I wouldn't even mention Santa in this conversation.

I would tell her that Father Christmas has had to cut back this year on presents because there are a lot of children who don't have enough food or clothing. He will be making sure families have food and clothing first and therefore there is not enough room for big kitchens, but he could surely bring her accessories and small toys. Good luck, Mum, this economy is making things difficult all over the world.

I always told my kid that we give Father Christmas the money for presents as that explains when older why some kids have more expensive presents.

In our house Father Christmas only brings stockings. Gifts under the tree come from friends and family.
I've explained that mummy & daddy have to pay something to Father Christmas and the elves for all their hard work and this is why some children get less / more than other children because their parents had different size budgets.....!

And yes. We did tell our 7yo MR FC could not bring a Nintendo switch for this reason but he could save up
For one himself with his birthday and Xmas money..... which he eventually did !!

With small kids we focus on size of the sleigh and how much the reindeers can carry hence stocking gifts only ..... seems to work for us anyway.

Good luck.

Awww so glad you found one local ish to you

might be worth paying then by PayPal for it as they may have someone who says I can collect tomorrow and then they agree and you’ve lost it

selfishly I want the credit when dd has cost it stuff like a phone when older

so we do stocking and a small pressie from
fc

dd5 sees things on tv and sure like every child is I want that for Xmas

I Google /amazon the item and If in my budget i buy If she keeps mentioning it

i then encourage for a better word if she says something else and I say we’ve written to Fc or he knows you wanted xxx so he’s gonna get that get that for you

Just donated to the local homeless shelter.x

👍👍👍👍

Did you get the kitchen, OP?

Every year my daughter asks for a Barbie Dream House but I can’t justify the price or the time it might take me to make it so I tell her Santa has limited space in his sack/it won’t fit down the chimney. She’s 6 now. Just tell your 4 year old it won’t fit down the chimney🤷🏼‍♀️

Just seen one of your last years posts resurrected, without going into details, did you sort out things with your dd ?

Growing up Santa only brought us a few gifts , normally smaller ones ! My parents bought the big ones . It meant a few things :

if they couldn’t afford something it was explainable

I never questioned why some kids got more or less than me

my parents would send us to bed Christmas eve so they could put out the presents before Santa arrived

there was one year when I was little I found some presents stashed away in a closet and I didn’t question if Santa was real because my parents bought presents too.

We always had all father Christmas presents from the man himself but told the kids that he can't give everyone the big present that they ask for every year. I don't know if she would accept that.

Where does she get the good/bad girl narrative from? I’d immediately take that down and say it has nothing to do with her behaviour. Yes good suggestions re trying to find it cheaper. I remember as a child getting obsessed by things and wanting. The feeling fades.

I’d forgotten about this until now - @ImaniMumsnet did she LOVE it ? Hope you had a wonderful day

Hope she loved the kitchen!