What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

[UnTrussworthy]

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

Hopefully you'll be able to pick one up second hand, but the way my parents handled it is that expensive toys are expensive to make, and so it's not nice to ask Santa for things that are very expensive, just like it's not nice to ask grandparents.

Was also going to suggest asking relatives to chip in? Grandparents or others who would usually buy presents?

Check gumtree as well

Growing up santa brought us "everything" which was presents my parents bought. They never felt a grudge that they didn't get thanked personally as they could see it in our eyes and excitement how grateful we were to receive something we wanted. My parents were not well off at all.

Family presents came from family. Santa bringing everything didn't mean family presents too as that to me doesn't make any sense. We always wrote thank you letters /cards to family members.

Don't know where you live but there are some on marketplace for £20-40

A few ideas:

1. Maybe tell her because Santa and his elves make all the presents they can only give you toys made out of wood. This might mean though that in the future all presents from Santa have to be made out of wood.

1. Manage expectations. Tell her Santa is running very low on toy kitchens this year but he said he will try to get her a lovely kitchen but it definitely won't be Minnie mouse.

1. Santa had an argument with Minnie mouse and and is boycotting all her products this year.

1. Get her somehow involved in helping out Santa e.g. Santa has requested your DD to help him out. He doesn't have the Minnie mouse kitchen this year because he wants to give kids superior wooden ones. However he loves Minnie mouse and therefore has requested your DD to decorate the kitchen to make it look like a Minnie mouse kitchen. Once she has "designed" a great Minnie Mouse kitchen out of her wooden one Santa wants her to send him the picture so he can build more like that for other kids. Get her Minnie mouse stickers to put on the kitchen. You could even have Santa write a letter to her or something depending on how elaborately you want to spin the story. Good luck.

In general, I definitely think it's not a good idea to tell kids that Santa can get them anything they want. That just sets them up for disappointment at some point so even if you can source the Minnie mouse kitchen id try to change the story around Santa.

I think telling children santa brings all the presents raises all sorts of problems. I had a similar issue years ago when my oldest asked me why he couldnt have the same gift/s his (then) only child friend was getting.
So I explained that we paid for the gifts by giving santa the money and he brought them, so we had to share our money between him and his sibling/s. You should do something similar.

Facebook market place has loads for around £20 instead of £70. Have a search and see if someone local has it

There are a few of those kitchens on market place for £20/£25. You'll need to check if they are close to you though. There's one on gumtree for £20.

There's also one on eBay for £40.

Do you have any Facebook mum groups or "Buy Nothing" groups near you? You can put out an ask on those to see if anyone is looking to offload a Minnie play kitchen.

I live in a naice area and loads of people post similar things - so nothing weird or shameful about it if that worries you at all. Believe me, no one likes saving money more than rich people 😬.

Hopefully you can find one close enough second hand that you could get her

Our children know that santa delivers the presents, but we pay for them, thats why some children get things that cost more (would hate to ever be in the position of then thinking they weren't as good because their presents were smaller or another child thinking that), stockings are from him and the elves (chocolate, socks, etc) we want them to appreciate Christmas isn't a 'get whatever you want" situation and that we're more fortunate than some people

Ours dont ask for gifts - I see it as a rod for your back and it sets out expectations and entitlements.

When my oldest was young I told him we send money/items to Santa and he stores and delivers them (we lived in a tiny house and I had to buy thing with him there sometimes).

We then added 'Santa Sacks' too as time went on but Santa only give cheap classic 'old school' toys (skipping ropes, recorder, hula hoop, yo-yo, football, harmonica, jacobs ladder etc...).

Agree that second hand is your friend! You absolutely should not go into debt over a plastic kitchen. Yes she really wants it, but it's just stuff at the end of the day. Your financial security will benefit your DD in the long run much more than having this you.

Facebook market, vinted, ebay. Expand your area on these and see if you can collect somewhere. Alternatively - cheaper kitchen and Minnie mouse stickers to put onto it? Would she fall for a look how wonderful you make your own Minnie mouse kitchen with the stickers?

Oh well done you for finding it! At 4 she will not know it's been used. Just wrap whole thing .

I said I wasn't going to say anything about different ways of doing santa but I can't help myself 😂

As I said above santa brought us everything growing up but this point above is exactly why I feel like doing it different in my house. I'm thinking of having it stockings and one gift from santa 🤔

Actually thinking when you read Christmas books or watch Christmas cartoons santa always seems to bring 1 gift doesn't he 🤔 and/or stockings.

This.
In my house Santa brought only our stockings (or sacks as they were pillow cases) with cheap items, main presents came from parents. In my partners house he brought all the presents.
When my partner and I were discussing how to do it with our daughter I remembered someone once saying that Santa should only bring cheap things as it's possible to explain to even quite a young child that child x got a (name the expensive toy) for Christmas and you didn't because Mummy doesn't have as many pennies as child x mum. However you try to explain to a 3/4 year old why Santa discriminates and brought them new shoes but child x the expensive toy!
As soon as I said that he got it and said we should definitely do it my families way.
I guess parents paying for what Santa brings would work too but seems more complicated than necessary.

That sounds really hard OP but luckily you've got the advantage of having a good few weeks before Christmas.

I'd have a look at second hand ones and ask relatives to chip in. Even a brand new one if you don't drive is £70 which while I understand is a big cost, between say your household and 2 sets of grandparents could be £25 each. And if you can pick up a secondhand one then right now there are actually loads and probably will be even more as the Autumn half term is coming up and EVERYONE with DC will be having a big pre Christmas clear out

It's such a nice big present that she wants so much so you wouldn't have to get her anything else if money is really tight.

When I was little my parents told us they had to give Father Christmas money for the presents.

Every single year there were things we'd ask for and the answer would be "it's too expensive, choose something else." It never phased me or upset me that much, just helped me understand that money doesn't grow on trees.

Agree you need to change the narrative about what Father Christmas does.
In our family, Father Christmas brought little gifts, still fun and enjoyable, but nothing expensive and often useful - pyjamas, bubble bath, books, crayons, games, sweets.
Any big presents were for birthdays and given by parents. Easier then to explain (and a good financial lesson to learn) that parents work to earn money and can't always afford some things.

www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/toys/magical-disney-gifts/minnie-mouse/disney-minnie-mouse-fabulous-fun-kitchen/p/140757 Is it this one?

Good Luck with this OP. For some years we somehow diverted ours away from this without saying it as a flat-out statement of fact. However, at senior school we had the why don't we go on holidays to -list all expensive resorts that two of their mates visited-. DH sat stroppy DD down and said "it's because we are poor. We would like to go to some of these places as well. For now though, We have the caravan".

In our house For Christmas only brings what he can fit in his sleigh with everything for everyone else, so it is v much stockings only with little bits and bobs. He also only brings things he thinks parents would want or allow you to have, or that you have space for at home, so no phone in primary school or big go kart when you love in a flat for eg! Sometimes he slips in things he KNOWS parents wouldn't let you have too, like chocolate cereal or Nutella - bit that's what makes it christmassy and fun 😉

I just think encouraging kids to think of Santa as a sort of Argos click and deliver is always going to end in stress and disappointment. Definitely change the story and expectations.

Every single year, the stocking bits are exclaimed over and enjoyed so much that I remember how little they need to have a good time!

Put a Wanted ad out on Facebook and Gumtree @UnTrussworthy

I did this when my DC wanted a particular climbing frame with swing that was no longer made. Managed to get one second hand.
Also bought second hand Wii for DD's 9th birthday. Was immaculate and 10 years later she still has no idea it wasn't brand new!

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/285003877416?hash=item425b8e0c28:g:9LgAAOSwtM9hWKlY&amdata=enc%3AAQAHAAAAoHPgp0DcWLKLMlHHrUMlacbofsua5qzx7oG6ZOhh2c9QEJ%2B1LOnzhZro6v7RvJsFZVfnyx5McwfWBhcpIq2ie39WqSTPW2P85wsTdhauKkYlvMDwr%2BUvUuteTmSZw0mkD78NgZ%2F2jtKEvVWT1QVPnDnhJJ3MvtnKXxk4xVT6y6dXNHEgMyr6W9lU3o5hajCWMHI6D45t1St1mnlhs%2B9ZJkU%3D%7Ctkp%3ABk9SR-y9rK3_YA

There's a lot of them for around the £20 mark just after a very quick search so I'm sure you will pick one up for her. Maybe you could sell something yourself on Ebay to cover the cost? I sold some clothes around this time last year and made nearly two hundred quid towards Xmas.