What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

[UnTrussworthy]

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

This. She is 4, so it's not too late to change the 'rules' about what he brings. I never understand why parents give him all the credit anyway.

While you're at it, do yourself a massive favour, and have him leave the stocking downstairs, not at the end of the bed. Save yourself a decade of staying up till 2 am every Christmas, waiting for over-hyped, over-chocolated kids to fall asleep.

I couldn't possibly comment

thats amazing, the power of mumsnet eh!

couldn't possibly guess that...

OP on wbay right now

FC only brings stocking and one (not main) present here. If she is only 4 then she won't remember that this has changed from last year

Father Christmas and his elves make the gifts that's why you don't get branded toys from santa

I'd definitely change what Father Christmas brings, you are setting yourself up for another few years of this otherwise and it will be easier now than next year.

There is a 2nd hand one on eBay for £40

You could also find a large box from one of the supermarkets to pop the kitchen in so she will never know it was 2nd hand.

Father Christmas fills the stockings and brings one small present here. Big present comes from mummy and daddy, or granny or auntie whoever. Otherwise, when their mates get a lower-value present, it looks like they've been naughty. Plus, this way they write thank you letters to the people who sent the gift.

This.

Santa bringing all the gifts puts too much pressure on parents. Santa does little things not the big gifts.

And be honest with her that you simply can't afford the gift. You can't do anything else.

I feel for you. My DS wanted a Pokémon build a bear one Xmas. He never has a list of things it's usually just one thing he asks for. He fully believed that Santa was all powerful and magical and he had been good. BAB had stopped doing it. I was really worried I wouldn't find one and in good condition. Although it wasn't in the shops anymore they didn't seem to be around second hand either. I kept checking and fortunately one came up on eBay. I paid same as if new but the lady was lovely. It arrived in lovely condition and I got a BAB box elsewhere. He was thrilled.

Keep an eye out. As others have said there's ones showing on marketplace from £18 up. If they show as collection and not local contact them, explain and see if they are willing to courier which may not cost too much. May also want to try asking if anyone has one to sell on local groups. You never know someone may have one at home that's not being used and not be thinking at this time of selling or disposing but seeing your post may get them to do so.

Some things on ebay are set price so no bidding. I've found some on marketplace offer postage if they're too far away but just make sure to dig around the profile a bit, make sure they're not a scammer. Vinted is set price but you can make offers and have buyer protection.
Mines too young to understand yet but I'll be telling him santa only fills the stocking, there's a toy, a book and a tasty treat in there from santa. The presents are bought from me.
Maybe write her a letter from santa? Emphasise how good she's been but say his job is to fill the stocking and a kitchen won't fit in there.
It's so bloody hard when they're getting older and there's this pressure to get the right thing. If it's any consolation, I couldn't tell you one Christmas present I got age 4, not many could. Hope you can get one cheap though.

Could you get another play kitchen (possibly second hand) and then stick on some Minnie Mouse stickers / accessories. Santa could write a letter to say he made a unique one especially for her.

maybe ask all family etc to refrain from mentioning good/bad in relation to Santa. My kids still believe in Santa but I’ve told them that I don’t believe Santa has a good/bad book, he just wants to give a gift that will make children happy and tries his best to get something they like even if he can’t make something exactly like they want.

I do think this will be a sad reality for a lot of families this year particularly (not that it’s isn’t every year).

Also I think it is the risk with having a focus on gifts. Maybe you could help her refocus on to other fun parts of Xmas. Eg let her choose what breakfast you’ll have for Christmas Day, let her choose what game you will play Christmas Eve etc.

Thanks all!
I’ve haven’t quite read through all of the comments but saw lots of marketplace ones wan decided to widen our search area, there is one about an hour away so just waiting on a reply.. fingers crossed!

I think with the way the economy is going we’re definitely going to have to change the Christmas story. I don’t want another year of panicking about presents next year!

Can I ask what area you are in? I'm in the north west and theres a good few on market place for £20.

Most of my kids toys are second hand this year. I done the same on their birthday in May. They are both 3 so dont care if they're new or not

I’d definitely change the narrative. Maybe Santa makes some of the generic toys but has to buy anything branded from shops?

I once got a letter from Santa explaining that he couldn’t get hold of a toy I wanted but that I had been good and I was thrilled 😆.

I think the letter even said that one of the other toys he delivered was a special one reserved for children who had been extra good 😇.

OP on eBay, you can select (in 'filters') but it now only do that you don't get involved in bidding at all. I had a quick look and, assuming you are talking about the one that is £70 in Smythes, there are two on eBay for £40 but collection only and I don't know where in the country you are.
Another idea is could you ask any other family members/friends who normally buy your daughter a gift, to contribute instead, explaining how much it would mean to her?
Good luck

How do you explain to her the number of kids that have been "good" and get no "Santa" presents at all?

Great idea @Dottielottie123 !

I now have a GoFund me link here:

..

Kidding, obviously! I’ve just read a couple of posters debating if I was going that way 🤣 I knew I was on a fine line if that accusation when I posted, but no.. I think we’d have to be needing something a bit more vital before I ask for the help of total strangers🤓

what about this one
www.amazon.co.uk/EVERGD-Kitchen-Cookware-Features-Children/dp/B09GVGJ9QX/ref=asc_df_B09GVGJ9QX/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=570340370322&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3882977171813772187&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006953&hvtargid=pla-1607144719111&psc=1

with a load of Minnie stickers on?

Just a guilty mum who obviously didn’t think through our Christmas tradition before starting it! 😄

You know as a pp has mentioned, it's the things like getting a letter from santa that are the big memorable thrills, and that costs little. Putting out carrots for reindeer, etc.

You can keep the magic alive on a budget.

Fingers crossed you get the kitchen at an affordable price.

Have the elves leave "recipes" and "magic spices" (homemade colored sugar or whatever) in her stocking.

Ask on Freecycle for little fake food items others' kids have tired of.

If family ask for ideas, IKEA sell beautiful toy food & veg and it's fairly low cost.

Perhaps find a cute apron from a charity shop or friends cupboards