What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

[UnTrussworthy]

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

My DD asked for a Occulus Rift it costs £400 !! She's 9. I told her I would be willing to pay for half but she will have to use the rest from her birthday money which she has £80 left and any money relatives give her. She doesn't believe in Santa anymore and she's thinking of buying a second hand one so she spends less money. I think it's a good life lesson she gets enough throughout the year. I would get your DD a second hand kitchen.

Stockings come from Father Christmas only

also now is good to mention. She has a kitchen - others don’t

Absolutely do not get into debt to buy this gift. She'd probably play with it for a couple of days then get bored of it anyway. Good for her to learn that she can't have exactly what she wants all the time, otherwise Christmas just gets ridiculous.

Some things are too big for Santa to carry and he doesn’t do branded items - Disney stuff is bought by the elves and if it’s more than £x they can’t buy it.

There's several on Facebook marketplace for between £20 and £40

Would a mostly pink kitchen with some stickers do? You could personalise it by putting her name on it and tell her that FC thought she would like it more because it was especially for her?

We've got similar this year but luckily she's older and we've never made a thing of FC so we are able to explain the constraints to her and compromise.

In our house Santa only brings (brought) some gifts, not all of them. Otherwise the kids would see that Santa brings them all the expensive fancy gifts and the kid next door only gets one or two things or vice versa. Santa would be a villain for that instead of it simply being different families being able to give different gifts. Plus it's bloody hard work to hide that you're going away Christmas shopping as the kids age.

"We don't have enough pennies for it just yet" was perfectly acceptable to our kids growing up.

This one is near me in Herts. It's £20. I am happy to help if I can.

Where abouts are you? There are a lot of Facebook market place for around £20 which I appreciate is still a lot of money if you don’t have very much BUT if it is the only thing she really wants you could spend on this and then get a couple of other gifts for her stocking? My stockings usually consist of socks, underwear and pjs that they’re going to need at some point in the year! Alternatively could you ask any family members to club together to get it for her? Needn’t buy new - I rarely do to be fair!

I totally understand the situation you're in. My five year old has been asking for the same two things for months when we talk about santa etc. I got one on amazon sale and the other one, kind Mumsnetter @mac1974 has come to the rescue and gifted the other for price of postage which I still can't get over the kindness of this.

I am still a bit funny about some ideas of how to explain santa so don't want to start a debate about it but say every year I wish there was a law about how to "do" Santa as there are so many stories. I think every year there is a thread about it.

Doe this age it really is about the magic so I understand you not wanting to lose it. Keep an eye out for second hand if you can stretch to the £20/40. Don't become obsessed but keep looking every day at Facebook, ebay, Vinted etc and don't forget the free places too and Facebook marketplace also has a free items section. If you have any mums and dads Facebook groups put a post up (anonymous if you wish) to ask if anyone has one.

@TheFormidableMrsC

That's very kind of you MrsC.

I hope a solution can be found so the little girl gets her dream toy.

ive gone with there being a waiting list. The elves can only make so many of each thing. She’s on the list but it may be a year or 2 until she’s top of the list for that exact kitchen. What would she like from a range of things you can afford? She may or may not forget in a year!

my DD is 4. She wants an actual robot so I’ve used the story above. She’s getting a trampoline that I got for an absolute bargain in the Aldi sale. I’m planning to slip Santa a note when we see him asking him to say the same.

i remember wanting a mr frosty when I was 4. I finally got one when I was 18. I would not have wanted a cheaper version so money spent on almost the same would have been wasted.

if you want a cheap idea that might go down a storm (I’m making DD this)… a potion set.

the works do tiny bottles of glitter 6 for £1. And 6 tiny empty bottles for £1.50. I’m keeping glass bottles and tops that would otherwise get recycled, and will refill them with vinegar and washing up liquid. I’ll put baking soda in the tiny bottles. Then I’ll write out on tea stained paper a recipe for bubbling frog spawn. Those ingredients with make a frothing glittery bubbly mess! I’ll bag it up with a jar and a tea spoon.

DD loves to make potions so will love this. I might even put in a stick for a wand. Might add a bottle of oil with green food colouring and one of water for goblin snot (they won’t mix when added to each other so the snot (oil) will just move around.

There are loads of recipes on line for ‘potions’ that can be made with everyday kitchen ingredients.

this will cost me about £3 on top of raiding the kitchen.

Santa doesn't take orders only requests and lists need to have lots of choice as sometimes the elf logistics get tricky if too many children all ask for the same thing. Even if they can make that many, the elves get bored making the same thing and no one wants bored, riotous elves.

Agree change the Father Xmas Story
In our home he brought the stocking ( well it's a small pillowcase in our house )
Mum and dad buy the under the tree gifts ..ie the main gift

This.

I've never understood families who say father Christmas brings all the presents. Don't you want some gratitude from your kids? Or for the them to thank family who have bought something? What about when they get a bit older and maybe someone gives them cash, how would you explain that?

My son still has his letter from Santa apologising/explaining why he couldn't bring him. £400 Lego set! I can't remember the reason now.

Tell her Father Christmas says it's absolute rubbish and will end up in landfill. Show her all the pictures of ones on facebook and ebay that other little girls have thrown away because F C was absolutely right.

Absolutely time to change the narrative. Father Christmas brings the stockings. Mummy and Daddy either buy the big presents or give FC the money for them.

Absolutely keep an eye second hand and don't be afraid to ask on local Facebook mum groups. Toy kitchens tend to be the thing we always think 'Need to get rid of that' and never get round to it.

This sounds like it’s a bigger issue than this specific present since it can be picked up second hand for £20 to £30

I thought you were going to say it was hundreds of £.

If you really can’t afford £20 to £30 on a Christmas present then all her expectations around Christmas need to be very carefully managed.

I’d look for one second hand, you still have time. Santa’s only ever brought stockings here, it’s much easier that way (in fact we’ve always had Santa as a very low-key/tongue in cheek part of Christmas anyway). You could even put a ‘wanted’ post on local selling groups (I did that once for something my daughter was desperate for, was happy to pay but was given it for free as they were keen to clear space, which was lovely of them!)

I also made the mistake of Santa bringing the main present and then after the whole Lego debacle had to next year nonchalantly change it to Santa does the stocking and hope no-one noticed...I do still get a bit confused though, but am not sure how much they actually (rather than want to) believe

They don’t seem that expensive second hand, there’s still eight weeks until Christmas can’t you make it work to get her it? Especially if it’s the only thing she’s asked for.

I told my kids that mummy has to send Santa some pennies as he has to enough pennies for his elves. I also give big gifts from us.

Maybe you could change the Santa narrative gradually by making the kitchen from you if you can find a cheap one, and a smaller (50p charity shop?) gift from ‘Santa’ this year.

This was my initial thought I thought it was going to be hundred but we need to remember in these times even £20-40 can be a lot!