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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

374 replies

UnTrussworthy · 21/10/2022 13:58

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

OP posts:
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8
inappropriateraspberry · 22/10/2022 19:05

Yep, Father Christmas won't bring everything on your list, and the big main gifts are from us, not the big man.
FC does stockings. I always tell my children that their list isn't just for Father Christmas, but to help everybody (family, friends) know what they would like.

TigerLilly33 · 22/10/2022 19:06

Have you looked to see if it’s available second hand on places like Facebook Market Place, eBay, Vinted?

Hellohellohello1 · 22/10/2022 19:07

Hi OP- what area do you live in? Are you near to Glasgow? Xx

Vegay · 22/10/2022 19:18

The first person that posted on this thread has the answer. Christmas should be a magical time for all children, but as adults, we have a responsibility to make it fair for all children. If someone is going to say to a child 'Father Christmas only brings toys for good children', then as adults we need to make sure there isn't significant monetary value placed on those gifts.

Imagine a child that had been good all year, unable to receive the present they desired, because of their parent's financial circumstances, and actually believing that Billy the bullying twat, and worst kid in their class, must've fallen under Father Christmas' radar when they receive everything they wanted.

Father Christmas should only bring a simple item, family members get the children everything else and send them off to him.

Hope you manage to find a second hand one, I'm aware loads of posters have sent links, and I hope that both yourself and daughter have a wonderful Christmas. Just remember that it doesn't have to be all about materialistic things.

JM88Jen · 22/10/2022 19:18

Maybe try find it second hand or ask relatives if they would be happy pitching in? My family have preferred this idea this year so my children main thing they each want from Santa without wasting money on toys that won't get a look at after boxing day X

Naz2009 · 22/10/2022 19:27

@UnTrussworthy www.ebay.co.uk/itm/195285070497?mkcid=16&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-127632-2357-0&ssspo=VYYCsibfT16&sssrc=2349624&ssuid=&var=&widget_ver=artemis&media=COPY
If this is the one and you are in London. You can grab it

inappropriateraspberry · 22/10/2022 20:06

Could you get a plain pink one and some Minnie Mouse stickers? I'm sure it would be a lot cheaper and probably better quality!

Grrrrdarling · 22/10/2022 20:25

UnTrussworthy · 21/10/2022 13:58

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

In our house Santa doesn’t bring the main or expensive gift. Santa usually brings a game for child to play with all the family & certainly not something that costs more than £30.
This solves the problem of child thinking Santa doesn’t think they are good enough. My child has never asked why Santa brings other kids different prices items ever & she is 10 now.

Grrrrdarling · 22/10/2022 20:35

UnTrussworthy · 21/10/2022 23:15

Just an update for those interested - I didn’t get a message back from Minnie kitchen on marketplace, we didn’t get a message back so I messaged another slightly further out and we’ve secured a Minnie kitchen.. or semi secured as we’re not collecting until next week 🙈 It’s a bit further to travel than we would have liked but it’s not awful, and it will be worth it to see DD’s face on Christmas morning 🤭

Its too early to wish you all a Merry Christmas, So.. Happy Halloween will have to do!

Glad you found one but honestly the plastic kitchens are always so flimsy & not worth the full price so I’d never pay full price for one.
2nd hand is our default, from an ecological & financial point of view, for most things now. I’d rather reuse, can’t afford full price of a lot of things & can’t justify the price either when you think about how often these things get used.
From this year you need to try change the narrative around Xmas & what Santa brings. This will make things a lot easier going forwards. Also teaching your child that we can’t always have what we want because money isn’t infinite is a great lesson too 😬

Jeclop · 22/10/2022 20:36

I came accross a story about how parents have to send Santa money for him to make the presents.

I think this is a brilliant story whether you can afford gifts or not. It explains why some children get "better" gifts than others even though they all may have been good.

I understand where you are coming from as a I grew up in a household where money was tight and my mum's "mum guilt" was real. However, I am now well off and refuse to buy my children overly expensive gifts. I buy a lot, if not most, second hand. Because I want to. Because I think it's silly to spend lots on "commercialised crap". I understand the difference between doing this as a choice and as a necessity but you honestly shouldn't feel bad.

A solution could be buying another toy kitchen and some minnie mouse stickers. You could say santa couldn't make the other one as he ran out of materials but made this one instead. I also feel its good for children to not get exactly what they want 100% of the time. It's fine to have to compromise and its great to learn to appreciate what we have. Many children have nothing.

Trudij123 · 22/10/2022 20:41

So pleased you found one. It’s a tough thing to work out, isn’t it?! I’m glad my DD doesn’t believe in him any more - when she asked we just had the talk about how she was right and it is me, but she mustn’t spoil it for others who still believe. She is finding that more fun than anything else!

Harmonypuss · 22/10/2022 21:38

I'm putting my tin hat on here because I know my opinion will be controversial but here goes...
Anyone who tells children that Santa or Father Christmas is real is seeing themselves up for a fall.
I know that not every child will react in this way but I know I'm not the only one, when I was 6 I found out it was all lies and I had a massive falling out with my mother for having lied to me.
When I became an adult and was considering children, I vowed I wouldn't lie to my kids.
I have 2 adult songs now, who grew up knowing that Santa, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy etc were all fake and that everything they were given had been bought by my husband and I, that we'd had to work hard to be able to afford to provide everything for them.
They didn't miss out on anything but knew that if we couldn't afford a particular item that we'd get then something else or we'd buy said item when we could afford it.
They grew up knowing the value of money and have said that should they have children, they'll do exactly the same.

As for the OP's 4yr old .... entitled much? Since when does a 4yr old get to dictate anything? At 4, they get what they're given!
But if the OP is set on allowing this child to rule the roost, can't they ask family and friends not to buy other gifts but to contribute to said item?

PMAmostofthetime · 22/10/2022 21:42

Jeclop · 22/10/2022 20:36

I came accross a story about how parents have to send Santa money for him to make the presents.

I think this is a brilliant story whether you can afford gifts or not. It explains why some children get "better" gifts than others even though they all may have been good.

I understand where you are coming from as a I grew up in a household where money was tight and my mum's "mum guilt" was real. However, I am now well off and refuse to buy my children overly expensive gifts. I buy a lot, if not most, second hand. Because I want to. Because I think it's silly to spend lots on "commercialised crap". I understand the difference between doing this as a choice and as a necessity but you honestly shouldn't feel bad.

A solution could be buying another toy kitchen and some minnie mouse stickers. You could say santa couldn't make the other one as he ran out of materials but made this one instead. I also feel its good for children to not get exactly what they want 100% of the time. It's fine to have to compromise and its great to learn to appreciate what we have. Many children have nothing.

This is what my family says x

PMAmostofthetime · 22/10/2022 21:43

Harmonypuss · 22/10/2022 21:38

I'm putting my tin hat on here because I know my opinion will be controversial but here goes...
Anyone who tells children that Santa or Father Christmas is real is seeing themselves up for a fall.
I know that not every child will react in this way but I know I'm not the only one, when I was 6 I found out it was all lies and I had a massive falling out with my mother for having lied to me.
When I became an adult and was considering children, I vowed I wouldn't lie to my kids.
I have 2 adult songs now, who grew up knowing that Santa, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy etc were all fake and that everything they were given had been bought by my husband and I, that we'd had to work hard to be able to afford to provide everything for them.
They didn't miss out on anything but knew that if we couldn't afford a particular item that we'd get then something else or we'd buy said item when we could afford it.
They grew up knowing the value of money and have said that should they have children, they'll do exactly the same.

As for the OP's 4yr old .... entitled much? Since when does a 4yr old get to dictate anything? At 4, they get what they're given!
But if the OP is set on allowing this child to rule the roost, can't they ask family and friends not to buy other gifts but to contribute to said item?

I have friends who were told he wasn't real and they have chosen to tell their children he is- because they feel that they were left out when others got excited to go and see him and not be included in the fantasy.

April506 · 22/10/2022 21:45

Told my four children very early on that we have to pay Santa to deliver their gifts so that’s why some children get more expensive things than others . Children aren’t stupid and can quite easily grasp the concept. Much better to be honest I think . My kids were always thrilled with their Christmas

April506 · 22/10/2022 21:47

Told my four children very early on that we have to pay Santa to deliver their gifts so that’s why some children get more expensive things than others . Children aren’t stupid and can quite easily grasp the concept. Much better to be honest I think . My kids were always thrilled with their ChristmaS .
my eldest son in his 30 s with his own family still “believes” in Santa .. it’s all about love and family not STUFF you see

HairyPoppins1 · 22/10/2022 22:01

Just seen this one on eBay for £40 💗

What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?
Harmonypuss · 22/10/2022 22:09

@PMAmostofthetime
I have friends who were told he wasn't real and they have chosen to tell their children he is- because they feel that they were left out when others got excited to go and see him and not be included in the fantasy.

When my eldest told me that some of his school friends had tried to convince him that the lies were true, I took him to see 6 different Santas in one afternoon and pointed out the length of the the queues (so he wouldn't be able to see all those kids and go to the next place we went to in time to be there before us) and different facial features etc.
When my lads were teenagers, I asked them whether they felt they'd missed out on the 'magic' of xmas and whether they would have preferred us to lie to them and they both said that we've always been 100% truthful with them and even though most kids believe the lies, they were so much happier that we'd stuck to our principles and told the truth. Plus they said that we'd done other fun things in the run up to xmas instead of joining the herds of people waiting to see some random bloke, paying ridiculous money and getting a pathetic cheap toy, so felt they'd actually had better experiences of .xmas than their friends had.

inappropriateraspberry · 22/10/2022 22:17

Also, to manage expectations, I tell mine that he has Christmas magic, and can do a lot, but he has to spread it round all the children in the world, so sometimes you may not get what you want. BUT he will always get you something you will like!

zaffa · 22/10/2022 22:20

LeafHunter · 21/10/2022 14:00

Change the narrative around Father Christmas. He brings the stocking and parents bring the gifts. Read some books together where he’s filling up stockings etc.

Definitely this.

Vegay · 22/10/2022 22:29

@Harmonypuss it is ironic how we are told not to lie, yet we are told the biggest lie when we are children 🤣

Gildedcage · 22/10/2022 22:34

I just wanted to say, I grew up in Thatcher’s Britain, we had nothing. My parents always told us that they sent the money to Father Christmas and he chose the presents, we always wrote lists and it was never phrased as having been good or bad but it was obvious to us that we may not always get the gifts we had requested.

The reality is that we can’t always have the things we want. As people have no doubt stated previously, change the narrative about how the gifts are received. And on Christmas morning your little one will be happy with what she has regardless I’m sure.

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 22/10/2022 22:48

just maybe use the current crisis and a way to change the narrative, like Santa does what he can so maybe ask for several things just in case he can’t give you the main present.
Ours believe Santa brings the main presents and I also buy them a few gifts. That’s how I was brought up and so I’ve passed it along. I tell the, they can ask for stuff but it doesn’t mean they will get it, Santa will do what he can.
the way I see it is, they believe in the magic and when they find out later down the line I hope they will appreciate the lengths I went too, to keep thier childhood magic alive. I think DS knows but he goes along with it to humour me and also for his sister, I think he kinda likes the idea of the magic of it all.

Harmonypuss · 23/10/2022 00:33

@Vegay
I totally agree, which was why I was so angry at being lied to and later refused to lie to my kids, who definitely haven't missed out or suffered in any way from having been told the truth.

Stewball01 · 23/10/2022 05:30

It's a problem. I agree with somebody who suggested buying it and then being very careful for a few months. I also suggest buying it now. If you wait till nearer Christmas, you won't find one.