What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

[UnTrussworthy]

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

I’m so pleased you’ve got one and secondhand is great. I know some incredibly wealthy people who would chose secondhand for as much of their children’s things including gifts as possible for environmental reasons.

When my smallies ask for something too expensive I first say that's too expensive Santa won't have any money left for other children gifts, they usually then negotiate their way out of that by giving up anything else on the list. However I have a cut off at 2 picks and 1 surprise that santa picks . They always get more and get something to share but I will keep the list very short as its toouch pressure and they change their minds too often. I also do Christmas club and have been saving since July and do all Xmas shopping in the sales. 8f there is a definite thing like this I'd buy it early.
You should definitely just grt it second hand! We take most things put of the box and have them ready before hand anyway so totally reasonable to go second hand if you do it this way or just put it in a blank box wrapped in Xmas paper.

This may not be helpful.but my husband left me.with 4 children under eight and no financial support. This was in late 60's.and things where very different not so much on the market then plus possibly we were not as materialistic as today. Which probably made things a little easier in the way I dealt with Christmas presents. I always explained to even the youngest that all.gifts had to be paid for by me so that Santa could bring them and that maybe I would not have enough to pay for some things. At the same time discussing with them alternatives and how they might enjoy them etc. I think they had good Christmases no complaints lots of fun and enjoyment plus they grew up appreciating the value of things.This is in no way preaching, times to are different now but children are still.bright enough to understand and follow reasoning if we give them the chance. I.hope you resolve your problem and lose that stress, your daughter will not suffer from not having exactly what she would like but still enjoy the gifts which you can afford
Good luck

Tell her a big toy kitchen won’t fit on his sleigh. If she gets a big present like that there won’t be room for presents for other children.

I'm so glad you've managed to pick one up.
Now you just gave to hope that she doesn't start to talk of something else instead! 😮

...or just buy one of the dozens on FB marketplace as OP has said they're doing.

I should think they'll easily get hold of one for ~£20 in the next two months.

You need to change the story regarding Santa. Here Santa just fills the stockings and one gift. The main gifts are under the tree and are labelled from mummy and daddy or whoever they are from. This means we can have proper chats with the Children about what we can afford if we need to. Also they can thank people for their gifts.

I'm so glad the op got her kitchen!

We do a largish present from Father Christmas, plus a couple of small ones. all the Santa presents have their own gift tags and last year some elf selotape! Dds know that everything else comes from.us or nanny and grandad. Last year they got a baby Annabelle each plus a few stocking fillers. The year before they had an icecream parlour to share plus a few slightly larger presents just for them. Santa can't bring all the gifts as as magic as his sleigh is, there are a lot of children in the world! It has kept the excitement around Santa but allows us to explain that Christmas can be expensive.

When our kids were little we told them that we gave santa the money to pay for the toys but he had to get them all for us as mum's and dad's are so busy.

Having a quick scan over the messages I see you for it 2nd hand, fantastic!

Hello, glad you’ve got the present she wanted.
For anyone following and considering changing the Santa narrative, my parents had to when I was little as my Dad was part of a team delivering shoeboxes to Romanian orphans every year and around the age of 3 I started to question why my Dad had to take presents to the children instead of Santa. I was told that parents (or grandparents / guardians etc) had to pay for Santa by sending a cheque with my Santa letter which is why Santa didn’t visit children in orphanages / street children and also explained why I got less presents than my cousins. It definitely didn’t take away from any of the magic, if anything it made more sense!

I think telling children they have to pay Santa is really odd...doesn't sound very magic to me ....sounds like Amazon! I'd avoid saying that!

Any chance of getting it second hand at a bargain price? X

I used to say that I had to give Santa the money for the present and he would do his best but sometimes another little child that has nothing needs the present like a child in hospital that’s poorly Sorry I remember that feeling. We got by and already managed a few weeks /months later to get the gift. All the best.

For all four of mine.. Now teens/adults when they were small father Xmas would bring a book or pj's and the rest were tagged with the sender.. Nana, grandad etc. We told them santa brings one present and we save up for the rest then buy them from the elves shops. Saves unrealistic expectations and pressure easier during lean times. Keeps the magic.
We explained that all parents have different ways of doing things. Luckily my 4 were very easy going and the only tantrum was one little lady's lack of bubbles in her stocking 😂😂 she 22 and still gets bubbles for Christmas.

Agree, I think that takes away the whole point of Father Christmas.

I can only say it never ruined the magic for me or my siblings, nor has it ruined the magic for my own children.

it helps with expectations, children aren’t in a vacuum, they know the position their parents are in and it helps them to understand why some children have large extravagant gifts and some very little.

We always had lovely surprises and I can honestly say I don’t remember feeling disappointed with my gifts. And my own experience as a parent has been that the children are excited and happy with whatever they have received.

And put it all into perspective, as lovely as it is, it’s just another day. Not having exactly what she wants will not ruin her childhood, and does not make you a bad parent. I know you are sorted now, but think about the fact that gift requests are inevitably going to become much more expensive and so a plan on how to deal with that will help you in the future.

Yes - agree with PPs. We always did the FC brings the stocking thing, and he also leaves a few things under the tree based on the wishlist. So aunts and uncles etc (and us) would buy our choice of things off the list, and I would also buy a few less expensive or exciting things that were left on the list for FC to put under the tree. Or even things that weren't on the list.

Nothing big ever came from him. The narrative was that we sent the list up the chimney for him to see what you would like, but he would wait as he'd know what family members etc had chosen. Then he would try and bring suitable things on the night - but if there were very big things left then he wouldn't be able to give those as he only gives smaller and less expensive things.

It's a minefield - because all their friends will do something different. But it worked for us and we never had any issues when they realised the truth, it's just a bit of fun. (They did ask in about Yr 4 how he could be in several different countries in one night - I said it wasn't magic as everyone knows magic isn't a thing - but it's an aspect of science that we don't fully understand yet, like black holes......).

The other minefield is all the FCs in shopping malls etc. I always told mine that the real FC is far too busy to faff about doing train rides and grottos, and those 'Santas' were people's Dads dressed up to make kids have fun. No issue at all. But a school Dad at primary used to dress up and do the business each year, then one year his daughter recognised him and it completely spoilt the whole Xmas set up for them. Said Dad stopped after that - but if only they'd told their DD the truth 'your Dad is dressing up as Father Christmas when school breaks up' they could have saved themselves a lot of heartache......

Just to cheer you up I'll tell you my parent fail. The kids had started to wonder if Father Christmas was real, so I bought a suit, and my husband put it on and 'posed' in front of the fire place, looking back as though he was going back up the chimney. I had an instant camera and showed my daughter the photo the next day, she cried her eyes out - because Father Christmas had evil eyes! My husband and I felt terrible about it for years.

My DS is 9 and still believes (I’m aware this probably won’t be the case next yr) but we have always gone with mum and dad write the list to Santa and send the pennies to pay for the elves to make the presents 🎁 always explained it will be what mum and dad can afford- then the stocking that is left Christmas morning is from Santa (usual stocking filler things not expensive) never see the point in saying everything is from Santa because it just leads to questions of why other children have been given more etc - obviously when I was little it was always from Santa but presents vary so much now tech etc it’s just not believable

We’ve always included second hand in our gifts and so did my own parents- definite a good way to go. If you still can’t then hugs, it might be common this year but it’s natural to feel sad.

Nothing wrong with talking to kids about affordability in basic terms. If it were me I’d use sustainability as a midway- explain that too much plastic is bad for nature and read some books around it, see if you can get a wooden one, paint it the same colour and maybe decorate with stickers or similar? I often find things on Etsy- a vinyl sticker is so much less plastic to throw away than a whole kitchen after all.

I had this a few years ago with a glowing Elsa doll. My daughter was 3-4 at the time and desperately wanted it as all the other girls at nursery had asked for one and Frozen was a BIG thing as it had come out that year.

Being a single patent, living off of one wage, with no government help whatsoever and having to pay childcare fees it was an extra £40 I couldn’t afford especially as I’d already budgeted and bought her Christmas presents.

Christmas came and went, she didn’t get one, I did look for one but I couldn’t afford it and it was out of stock everywhere! I thought I’d got away with it until an advert on Christmas evening for one! One of my family friends gave my DD £20 so I was able to use that and nectar card points in the Boxing Day sales to get one for £10. Someone had returned one to a local Argos store luckily and we were able to show that she had something with the money that was gifted to her.

I guess what I am saying is don’t give up hope. I was in a similar situation and I told my daughter that Father Christmas is delayed sometimes.

Boxing Day can be great, prices are inflated before Christmas and you may find ways of being able to give the cost down after Christmas.

good luck and don’t feel guilty! We all have the same guilt xx

I’ve always said Santa brings the stocking and one small gift. Everything else mum and family have to buy. You could say Santa has got as much money this year so he can only afford one small gift. Could you get family to contribute rather than them buying small gifts?

Or often days after Christmas the price goes down. Santa could leave some money.

OP has already got one. However what an awful suggestion. Disappointing a child and taking the magic away. Santa didn’t bring her present, she has to go and buy it? Awful