stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

[moanymoan]

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

@itisntwhatyouthinkitis well done to your friends then. My brother who is 36 had numerous lessons and could never get to grips with driving. It isn't black and white! Have some heart!

Yes I am for real. Are you? Or just having a guilty conscience?

A guilty conscience? What about?

What a bizarre comment

[quote rookiemere]@turnitupyoh1 is that the same NHS that's so stretched right now that there are long waiting lists for vital surgery and most of the staff are off isolating because of covid ?

Yeah I'm sure they have teams of trained therapists waiting to work with people who can function perfectly well in all aspects of their lives, but don't want to learn to drive.

Shame OP still wouldn't be able to afford the driving lessons - or does the NHS pay for these as well ? [/quote]
I work in the NHS…and the same staff who do surgery aren’t the same ones who do therapy. There may be a slight waiting list but they are always open for people seeking therapy if they’d like too. Just thought I’d mention that from a factual basis :)

Also, many therapists work from home (via zoom). Psychological therapies and CBT are available.

I’m neither here or there on whether the op should drive or not drive but just though I’d correct this fact :)

@FeeFi100 I’ll let my dd know that that’s why she had to wait 2 yrs for 10 sessions of therapy after her suicide attempt, it was so people who don’t want or need to learn to drive can have therapy to help them

[quote Pigflewpast]@FeeFi100 I’ll let my dd know that that’s why she had to wait 2 yrs for 10 sessions of therapy after her suicide attempt, it was so people who don’t want or need to learn to drive can have therapy to help them[/quote]
Really sorry to hear that and hope that your daughter is doing so much better.

There are a couple of factors in play - where you live, longer waiting lists for children than adults (in most but not all areas). Then there are different levels of therapy (mild to moderate) vs actual mental health support/crisis support.

I hope that the therapy she received was helpful & that she is much better!!

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs

It's a disgrace that Driver's Ed isn't taught in UK schools. It should be compulsory as it is everywhere else. And sure, it costs money to learn, but it is a vital skill. It costs 'thousands' to go to work, we pay thousands in taxes, but we are still expected to earn a living. Some things you do because you are expected to do them, like driving in my country. Apart from a medical reason, it is extremely rare for anyone not wanting to or being able to drive. It's like paying taxes, it's expected and you learn because you're expected to. It's especially considered irresponsible to have kids but not be able to drive where I am.

Drivers Ed is not compulsory “everywhere else”. What a ridiculous thing to say. It’s not even compulsory everywhere in the US.

If you live somewhere with decent public transport, there is no need to drive. I sold my car shortly after DS was born, because I just wasn’t using it often enough (I was using it once every 2-3 months, mostly to prevent the battery from going flat). It was a complete waste of money running a car where I live.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Nanny0gg No it's plain common sense. I'm sorry that common sense and personal responsibility is so foreign to you. [/quote]
The trouble with 'Common Sense' is that it's neither common nor sense. As is proven on this thread

I just wouldnt have isolated then travelled to see dh's family for him to fuck off and leave me to it

Op I think you can rest easy in that this will be the last time to your in laws. You've more than paid your dues here and invite them over to you next time but not for days on end.
This is beyond miserable.

[quote luckylavender]@MyOtherProfile - for many people that isn't how work works. Times have changed. [/quote]
And for some people they can't switch off from work even when they legitimately should, or use it as an excuse.

I would imagine London have multi-level carparks for block of flats

I missed this gem. Clearly you’ve never set foot in the UK, but sure you’ve at least seen a photo?

My house is 150 years old. As is most of the rest of the area of London I live in. They didn’t have multi-storey car parks back then

Multi-level carparks for block of flats? In London? Not that I'm familiar with, sorry.

@MrsMariaReynolds

Stop the dramatics.

Drivers Ed is absolutely NOT mandatory in the United States. There is no law that states you MUST drive. Obviously it's really hard to get around without a car and most people choose to learn--but in the US it's 1.) Super easy to drive and 2.) Doesn't require the level of expertise or skills required on the UK road test. It's super easy and inexpensive so as to not make it inaccessible to the masses. If driving in the UK was such a necessary skill, steps would be taken to make it easier and/or cheaper for people to do so.

Fwiw, I've been a qualified US driver for 30 years. Could I manage to pass the test in the UK? Nope. And I've tried. Twice.

I had no idea it was so easy to pass your test in the US. Thank you for this post. It seems as if a prolific poster on this thread may not even pass their test in the U.K. 😂 Not laughing at you btw.

It's a pain to take taxis around on your own with young children due to needing to put them in car seats and then keep the car seats with you at your destination. And yes I know they aren't legally required in a taxi, but many people prefer to use them if the children are too young to use a seatbelt, I expect this includes the OP if she feels anxious about cars.

@Mummyoflittledragon The test is very hard to pass in Australia, you need to show proof you've had 200 hours of practice, for one, and the physical test is quite detailed. BUT we still do it because it is EXPECTED of us. And, many of us pass on the first go. 😂😂

@Changechangychange In modern cities they bulldoze homes that old to make multilevel parks. It's part of living in a modern and everchanging city. But of course, London is very backward.

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)

I get why you didn't drive in London, but WTF haven't you learnt since moving to the country?

I can't drive for months at a time, when I have to take certain medication, so I have full sympathy with anyone unable to drive for medical or financial reasons, but no sympathy with people who CBA to learn.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Changechangychange In modern cities they bulldoze homes that old to make multilevel parks. It's part of living in a modern and everchanging city. But of course, London is very backward.[/quote]
Bulldozing old buildings to make car parks

Only someone who doesn't value the significance of historical buildings would say that.

I live in a northern ex mining area, and we have rows of Victorian terraced houses with no off road parking. I can't imagine that they would knock down some of these lovely buildings to make a car park.

@RampantIvy It's to make the city liveable. Not just for carparks, but better houses and block of flats that also have a level carpark. Many other cities manage it and value liveability and moving with the times over dirty ugly buildings that are no longer fit for purpose.

Climate change anyone? If you live in London I'm struggling to think of the occasions when you'd actually need to own a car with such a good infrastructure of public transport, and if you did there are those shared ownership companies.
Why on earth would you want to build a multi level car park for unnecessary cars? Not to mention the expense of owning one.

Countryside is different.

Many other cities manage it and value liveability and moving with the times over dirty ugly buildings that are no longer fit for purpose

Those buildings have lasted a long time . They have a much longer lifespan than newbuilds. With the shortage in building materials, they're not going anywhere any time soon. It's up to us to adapt our lifestyle to fit with them and make our cities more eco (less stuff, less cars, electric charging points, more communal facilities etc.).

@turnitupyoh1 the NHS offer very limited therapy for people who really need it. For example, six week counselling for anxiety based issues which will never be in depth enough to touch on OP’s deep anxiety. Long term counselling might help but NHS only offer that do people who have diagnosed mental health problems like BPD.

Anyway this thread is getting ridiculous,, why are we talking about therapy on the NHS and why are we talking about the OP’s lack of driving. It’s unnecessary. I don’t drive either and I’m 34, either does my partner and either does his parents, shock horror!

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@RampantIvy It's to make the city liveable. Not just for carparks, but better houses and block of flats that also have a level carpark. Many other cities manage it and value liveability and moving with the times over dirty ugly buildings that are no longer fit for purpose. [/quote]
Well old buildings are still pretty 'liveable' and fit for purpose! Can't imagine bulldozing these for a multistorey car park, me thinks you talk in jest..

I haven’t read the full thread, just the first couple of pages and the last - can see it descended into the usual bun fight about driving.

Just wanted to say I sympathise op, because my Dh did this to me in the summer. We went off to stay with his family then he hid himself in our room for three days finishing off work. Pissed me off royally; I was bored to tears (quite literally). In the end after asking him repeatedly to come for a walk or trip out with me, I just fucked off on my own without telling him or anyone else where I’d gone.

It was a bit childish of me but I needed to decompress. When he eventually caught up with me he was very apologetic and stopped being a selfish arse after that.