stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

[moanymoan]

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

I understand the suggestions to just go for a walk. We did that briefly yesterday. The difficulty is that when I need to sit down and feed the baby. Tricky when it's raining and cold and you're in a park or open space.

Unfortunately I can't get in a taxi and go somewhere as we didn't bring the car seat adapters for the pushchair. So I'd have to be lugging the car seat around with me when we leave the taxi. And I'm not happy about older kids being in a taxi without car seats.

Good suggestion about asking one of the in laws to drive us somewhere. But I need a break from them. They are lovely but I need my space. It's a long time since their kids flew the nest, and they like to do everything in their way. So for example if you offer to help with something, the explanation takes longer than the task. Also, MIL can be a bit over bearing due to wanting to be a good host. On a previous visit, she saw me leaving the house to go to the local shop. She told me not to bother- she was going to the supermarket later and could get what I needed. What I needed was incontinence pads! I kept saying tell me what you need and I'll get it, not picking up the hint that I didn't want to discuss it.

Also elderly relative is making some "in my day" comments about the baby which is getting on my nerves.

The U.K. has one stretch from the south coast to St Pancras, that’s it.

Erm, LNER main line is pretty speedy. You can get from London to Edinburgh in just over 4 hours.

we live somewhere where public transport is reasonable and our financial situation allows for substantial taxi fares in case of emergency..Our situation works for us!

But not everyone lives in your situation.

If we weren't avoiding being inside with others, this whole situation would have not been a problem. I would have taken the kids to the park, then go to a local pub or wherever to have a sit down inside. But we all agreed to avoid being inside with others to protect the elderly relative.

Anyway, I finally got my way, we're just about to go out. Dh isn't usually an arse like this. He is self employed and has been in high demand lately. We mutually agreed he'd take on extra work as we'll be hit hard by two sets of nursery fees when I return to work.

we live somewhere where public transport is reasonable and our financial situation allows for substantial taxi fares in case of emergency..Our situation works for us!

But not everyone lives in your situation.

Which is my point. It's the shrieks of "but everyone MUST drive" that I'm objecting to. There are plenty of perfectly good reasons why someone might not be able to drive. Learning to drive in case you need to get out on one or two days a year is madness - you'd not be safe if that's the only driving you ever did post-test.

I'm glad you and the DCs are getting out OP. Don't listen to some of the posters- it makes little sense to live in London and pay for driving lessons you can't afford on the unlikely scenario that one of your DCs may have a situation which requires emergency transportation (taxis) or that you may - at some point in the unspecified future- decide to move to the county.

I apologise for giving you a hard time about driving

To be fair, I didn't learn to drive until I left London @Spindelina.

Your driving/car upkeep costs/insurance and tax are all £0:00 each year OP.

Why not feel free (if you can) to spend a little of your savings on a taxi-trip to somewhere you want to be. Don't feel any more guilty than you would if taking out a car you were paying for all year.

If not - it seems perfectly fair that your DH or inlaws drop you off for a while.

There are some harsh comments here on not driving. Of course -being able to drive is great - especially when living rurally.

It does come with expenses though (tax - insurance - petrol -cost of car and its upkeep).

+Not everyone is able to do it however much they don't want to sound like a 1950s housewife. (Epilepsy and other conditions can make it impossible). I can see why - when transport is usually easily available you might not need to drive .

As above - I think that you do have to allow yourself access to the savings you are making by not driving though.

Sorry - was a bit slow posting and have just read your updates OP.
Happy Christmas !

I would very quietly and calmly tell my husband that, just so you know, this will be the last time I agree to come here to visit. This is unbearable for me and you made promises to make it easier which you have broken. I cant change that but I'm just letting you know now I will not be putting myself in this situation again.

Erm, LNER main line is pretty speedy. You can get from London to Edinburgh in just over 4 hours.

And yet you can get to Paris in just over 2 hours.

Lner is not proper high speed tgv.

@Rangoon

I taught my mother when she was in her late fifties to drive a stick shift. She was the most incredibly nervous learner imaginable. I marched her off for the written test. She had a few lessons from a professional and passed her test It transformed her life. My father had alway been the driver but he became unwell. My mother was out and about for many years and it gave her a lot of freedom to meet friends and to shop. Instead of trading in my car, I gave it to mum and she had years of reliable motoring. My Nissan that I passed on was very reliable and very thrifty with fuel.

My dad taught me (although he failed with Mum). I have been driving for nearly 40 years.

that's actually really lovely. it is so freeing to be independently mobile.

No I know, but it isn't that slow. There has been a massive lack of investment in our rail infrastructure, and when they try to do something about it they get is massively wrong - HS2 anyone?

I'm in Yorkshire, and quite frankly no-one cares whether they can shave 10 minutes off a journey to London.

Learning to drive is best done young but prfectly possible older too. Even more so now as elextric and hybrid cars are automatic for licensing purposes.

You don't NEED to pay for lessons - get your provisinal, go out with someone who has passed and is patient. Practice loads, save for half a doz lessons to learn how to pass and get on with it frankly.

HOWEVER there are v good reasons why people don't drive - ptsd is one for sure, as is epilepsy, many stokes impact sight, diabetes can impact as can physical functional issues. So we need not to assume its entirely possibly if you really want to - it isn't always

Thanks very much for all your comments.

I've spoken to dh today and told him that how he really upset me yesterday. DCs definitely benefitted from being out, as did I, even though the weather was dire. When we get back to London, I'm going to take the kids to soft play and pizza express, and enjoy being inside and letting the kids blow off steam.

@MyOtherProfile - for many people that isn't how work works. Times have changed.

@RB68 I've explained above why I don't drive.

@moanymoan

Thanks very much for all your comments.

I've spoken to dh today and told him that how he really upset me yesterday. DCs definitely benefitted from being out, as did I, even though the weather was dire. When we get back to London, I'm going to take the kids to soft play and pizza express, and enjoy being inside and letting the kids blow off steam.

I've spoken to dh today and told him that how he really upset me yesterday. What was his response to that? Nothing short of a sincere apology I hope. You didn't say how long you are there for, can you go home soon? And why did he go to his parents if all he is going to do is work? His parents must be pretty hurt that he visited them just to ignore them and work. What was even the point of visiting them?

[quote moanymoan]@RB68 I've explained above why I don't drive.[/quote]
You can get therapy to overcome your problems with driving. You need to consider the message you are giving to your children, to just quit without even trying.

Oh for goodness sake @turnitupyoh1 they live in London. It's entirely possible that the DC don't even know if OP drives or not, and where's the money for therapy coming from if she can't afford driving lessons ?

@rookiemere I don't see what difference it makes where they live when you're learning a valuable skill and doesn't the NHS provide therapists or counsellors?

@turnitupyoh1 is that the same NHS that's so stretched right now that there are long waiting lists for vital surgery and most of the staff are off isolating because of covid ?

Yeah I'm sure they have teams of trained therapists waiting to work with people who can function perfectly well in all aspects of their lives, but don't want to learn to drive.

Shame OP still wouldn't be able to afford the driving lessons - or does the NHS pay for these as well ?

Sounds really dull for you. I hope you got out for a while for some fresh air.