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Christmas

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Original poster

Mumsnet and Christmas *title edited by MNHQ*

169 replies

CheshireKitten123 · 21/12/2021 23:06

Am I the only person who is sick to death of reading all these posts from Mumsnet women who are tying themselves in knots trying to please everyone , husbands, DCs , stepchildren. exHs, inlaws etc. cooking Xmas dinners to take elsewhere, inviting people you can't stand the sight of, getting involved with toxic family and extended family dynamics.
For your own sanity please stop, and use the word 'NO'

OP posts:
stayathomer · 21/12/2021 23:15

The families aren't always toxic though, sometimes families just get a bit weird about wanting certain things for Christmas eg no kids at the in laws house so they're all about seeing the kids with their presents. On mn a lot of people would say they're controlling etc but in real life you know they're lonely and just want to share in the magic.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 21/12/2021 23:17

Just read one of the threads that I suspect inspired this, and I concur. I put myself out to a certain degree to make others happy, especially at Christmas, but you can take these things too far.

Heruka · 21/12/2021 23:54

I am one of those women, I have ended up with a horrible Xmas set up I don’t want and dreading every moment. When it was suggested it seemed a reasonable idea and I didn’t think it through, or realise how much work was involved. But I can assure you that next time I will say NO. And maybe ‘get to fuck’. It’s good these threads are here - liberating for me to read about all you who know how to not end up in a mess like this. I am going to change forthwith.

Lesina · 21/12/2021 23:57

I started to say No a long time ago. It’s bloody marvellous. Highly recommend it.

BeMoreGoldfish · 21/12/2021 23:58

It’s not just at Christmas, it’s all year round. Why do women put up with such utter bellends in their lives?

Inspired by lots of other threads and RL friends.

I’m raising my 3 sons to be decent men who would never expect the crap that so many men seem to. 🤷‍♀️😕.

BIWI · 22/12/2021 00:02

Oh yes. I so agree.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 22/12/2021 00:05

I know. I’ve had to stop reading because I fear I’m getting very close to becoming uncharitable.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 22/12/2021 00:08

I think some people must love being martyrs

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 22/12/2021 00:09

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

I think some people must love being martyrs
Ding ding ding!!

Nail on the head.

Pinkypenguin · 22/12/2021 00:10

Instead of being so mean about these women, just be grateful you've had the opportunity to learn to be more assertive yourselves.

Many women have been conditioned to believe they can't say no if it means disappointing others.

If you can help them to see that it's perfectly reasonable to say no, then it's the kind thing to do that. But if you can't do that and you hate those kinds of threads, don't read them.

iheartredsquirrels · 22/12/2021 00:14

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

I think some people must love being martyrs
100% this
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2021 00:17

It takes time and practise saying no to things and to play the “what’s the worst thing that would happen if I…” thing through.

I’ve found it’s come easier with age, laziness in a way, and realising if I don’t put myself first no one else will.

CryHavoc · 22/12/2021 00:18

No. You are not the only one who can see how nuts it all is. After 8 years of pandering to both sides, cooking lunch for a cast of thousands, sleeping on an air bed, and accommodating guests all through Christmas week, this year we will visit one branch of the family on Christmas Eve morning. The other side will come for lunch on Boxing Day and then go home.

Christmas Day will be me, my husband, and our daughter, and we cannot wait.

MamaJustKilledAMan · 22/12/2021 00:27

I have an awful lot going on right now and I've point blank told everyone around me. I aren't doing Xmas this year. Don't buy for me cause I am definitely not buying for anyone else.
It's been the most chilled Xmas I've ever had. I have not a single worry in the world. My son asked for money to buy his own stuff. It was so easy. I think I'll adopt this approach every year.
I spoil on birthdays overly so and feel this makes up for my lack of gifts come Christmas time!

Cam2020 · 22/12/2021 00:32

Instead of being so mean about these women, just be grateful you've had the opportunity to learn to be more assertive yourselves.

Many women have been conditioned to believe they can't say no if it means disappointing others.

I really agree with this. It took me almost 40 years to get to that point. Thankfully, some really terrible behaviour saw me grow a backbone and look out for myself, regardless of what others thought and I've never looked back. Some women need to post here to realise that they can if fact, say 'no'.

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/12/2021 00:46

Funny when you start saying no, people stop asking! Win win

Slythermum · 22/12/2021 01:52

Some women are punished when they say no.

Slythermum · 22/12/2021 02:00

I think also girls are socialised to "Be Kind" and then ostracised, blamed, rejected when they don't act as support humans for everyone else. I feel like as much as I have agency on my life, I am the thread that holds everyone together in my house and I'm the one who is dumped on when the others don't have their needs met. However I've found ways to push back and a lot of it is based around detaching. For instance I have an Aunt who demands a lot of care and attention from me who I have learned now to ignore when I need to. There was so much pressure from other members of my family for me to take an interest in her that at the time I felt trapped. Add to that feeling a myriad of other pressures and a woman can quickly lose sight of what she needs to be happy and thriving herself. It just becomes one "caring for others" task after another until a person can't think straight. And then it becomes a habit to cave and cut yourself off from anything that can help, ie saying no.

It's also a shit time of year for people's mental health, so Xmas small stuff can magnify in an anxious person's head and become big stuff.

Slythermum · 22/12/2021 02:03

@MamaJustKilledAMan

I have an awful lot going on right now and I've point blank told everyone around me. I aren't doing Xmas this year. Don't buy for me cause I am definitely not buying for anyone else. It's been the most chilled Xmas I've ever had. I have not a single worry in the world. My son asked for money to buy his own stuff. It was so easy. I think I'll adopt this approach every year. I spoil on birthdays overly so and feel this makes up for my lack of gifts come Christmas time!
This is a good way to reframe Xmas. One of my frustrations with Xmas is that it's now such a spendy event. Birthdays yes, but Xmas is now so excessive it feels.
ChristmasLightsAndSparkles · 22/12/2021 02:20

You are absolutely right Slythermum, and I'm sorry you find yourself getting dumped on so much. A lifetime of conditioning along with strong, punitive ongoing social pressure is very hard to resist.

It's depressing, but unfortunately it's actually a form of privilege (linked to family background, but separate) for a woman not to be treated as a support human. Like all privilege, those who have it don't realise - or appreciate the impact on those who don't.

turnitonagain · 22/12/2021 02:26

I grew up in North America where Thanksgiving is the main food holiday and Christmas is more of a family/gift/religious celebration.

British mothers taking on both at the same time seems absolute insanity to me. I do not cook a meal on Christmas ever. How can anyone manage extended family, gifts, and preparing an elaborate feast on the same day?! Be kind to yourself mums and DO LESS.

Anordinarymum · 22/12/2021 02:35

I do not think women are martyrs at all. Its my opinion that some people use Christmas as a weapon to hurt and they need a patsy to carry out the punishment.

Putting someone in a position where they are being used and made to feel obliged to make other people happy is a skill I have witnessed and been that person who worked full time, looking forward to the rest with children , and then had to be somewhere at Christmas I would have preferred not to be, but made to feel if I did not, then people would be hurt and feel left out and the rest........
At the time you do not realise the extent to which you are being played, but you know it is wrong and feel unhappy.
Oh boy it does not happen now

Bigballer · 22/12/2021 02:43

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Slythermum · 22/12/2021 02:45

@Anordinarymum

I do not think women are martyrs at all. Its my opinion that some people use Christmas as a weapon to hurt and they need a patsy to carry out the punishment. Putting someone in a position where they are being used and made to feel obliged to make other people happy is a skill I have witnessed and been that person who worked full time, looking forward to the rest with children , and then had to be somewhere at Christmas I would have preferred not to be, but made to feel if I did not, then people would be hurt and feel left out and the rest........ At the time you do not realise the extent to which you are being played, but you know it is wrong and feel unhappy. Oh boy it does not happen now
Very much this, and that when a person is in the midst of it they will be also maybe be neglecting themselves or self-medicating with wine, food, smoking etc. Substituting small unhealthy pleasures for actual space and clarity and rest or healing. Many others mask depression by keeping busy (and often in service to others). Many mothers are parenting kids with disabilities or parents who are older or even siblings who need support.

I think exhaustion is what erodes the boundaries around self care and that when a woman, a mother, is tired, spent and worn down, she cannot remember how "no" tastes.

Furries · 22/12/2021 02:57

@Pinkypenguin

Instead of being so mean about these women, just be grateful you've had the opportunity to learn to be more assertive yourselves.

Many women have been conditioned to believe they can't say no if it means disappointing others.

If you can help them to see that it's perfectly reasonable to say no, then it's the kind thing to do that. But if you can't do that and you hate those kinds of threads, don't read them.

Not often I’d say this, but I really wish there was a “like” button.