Mumsnet and Christmas *title edited by MNHQ*

[CheshireKitten123]

Am I the only person who is sick to death of reading all these posts from Mumsnet women who are tying themselves in knots trying to please everyone , husbands, DCs , stepchildren. exHs, inlaws etc. cooking Xmas dinners to take elsewhere, inviting people you can't stand the sight of, getting involved with toxic family and extended family dynamics.
For your own sanity please stop, and use the word 'NO'

Yes...and in the meantime your children (boys and girls) are watching and learning.

However any step, however small, is a step toward greater progress, and every time you assert your own healthy boundaries it gets a little easier until finally the roar can be heard.

to all who are taking your own steps, and to those reading who haven’t yet found the strength: it is in there. You just have to find it and exercise it, over and over, just like any other muscle.

l cannot relate to any of these xmas threads.
My xmas is quiet and relaxed, l never get stressed.
Some people make it alot more complicated than it need be.

@Bigballer

I'm sick to death of people like the op who have no idea or understanding of other peoples circumstances. To loads of people saying yes is a lot simpler than saying no. Same goes to all the LTB, kick him out comments all easier said than done. Another few gems I have read recently is go sit by the fireplace, not everyone has a fucking fireplace. Or just take a day off work unpaid, some people cannot afford to take a day off unpaid. Many Mumsnet folk live very sheltered lives and are oblivious to the real world.

This ^

It illustrates that there are quite a number of over privileged yummy mummies on here. The 'just take in some ironing' brigade. And yes, the ones who say 'leave the bastard' as if it's just SOOOOO easy to pack up your life in 2 suitcases, grab your children and 'just move on...' These are the same ones who are screaming out for a lockdown because it doesn't affect them financially like it does many others...

The ignorance and lack of education from some about how difficult (almost impossible) it is to JUST LEAVE is actually embarrassing.

Even when a woman is in her 50s or 60s and there are no children living at home, it is STILL hard to leave. Where the fuck are they meant to go? Go live with parents (most of whom will be dead or very infirm.) Go sleep on someone's couch? Book a Travelodge room? Life is bloody HARD for many single women. Not all of them are on £100K per year (as some claim on here...)

Sadly, despite what the over privileged on mumsnet think, many women are not in a position to leave. I get SO fucked off with the posts that say 'I left my husband when I was 48, retrained for a new career, and now have a wonderful little house that's all MINE, a bunch of new friends, and a wonderful new career. I have never BEEEEEEN so happy!

For the majority of women, this is not the reality at all.

The reality for most is that they'll be sitting in a damp and dingy bedsit, working in a low paid job where they have to fight for the hours to make ends meet, and will certainly not have a glittering new career, a bunch of new friends, and a lovely sparkly new house that's ALL THEIRS!

And as many posters have said, many women simply CAN NOT just say NO to demanding extended family. The shitstorm that would follow would ruin the following year, as several extended family members (MILs, SILs, FILs etc,) would make them feel SO guilty that for them it's just easier to grin and bear it.

Makes me incredibly glad to have very little extended family tbh. Had all this shit when I was much younger (guilt trip after guilt trip from DM, GParents, aunts, and FIL/MIL,) and it wore me down.

We see what little extended family we have between 18th and 22nd December, and then see NO-ONE after that til the new year. Our adult DC are happy with that too. (We usually see them around 22nd December and swap gifts.)

Unfortunately, THEIR partner's families are the type who insist on seeing them all over Christmas/Boxing Day, and insist they come around.

I have told them both to be more firm and assertive, but so far their partners are letting their extended family manipulate them and my DC are being dragged in. I tell them to be stronger, but they aren't quite there yet.

@Moonface123

l cannot relate to any of these xmas threads. My xmas is quiet and relaxed, l never get stressed. Some people make it alot more complicated than it need be.

Sorry but LTB and ‘don’t take everyone’s shit all the time’ are two very different things.

Women need to be told the latter. Over and over again. Mind you many women need to be told the former too. And if they’d had Mumsnet to come to when they were younger they might have started saying no much sooner, or they might indeed have left, and might have had a very different life. So no, I’m not going to stop saying it.

I’ve not had a privileged life in this context. The opposite by far, in fact. I’ve fought for every scrap of self-worth, self-care, fearlessness and fortitude i that possess. I’d never judge a woman for staying in a situation that she truly can’t get out of. But many women can, and should, get out. And at least there’s a chance that they will, if someone makes them see that it’s a viable possibility.

And as many posters have said, many women simply CAN NOT just say NO to demanding extended family. The shitstorm that would follow would ruin the following year, as several extended family members (MILs, SILs, FILs etc,) would make them feel SO guilty that for them it's just easier to grin and bear it.

What if the husband said no, would he spend all year feeling bad about it?

I too am very disappointed that MNHQ Would consider taking this thread down.

Not in the right spirit?

I can't tell you how much I disagree with this. I don't know what could be done, or should be done to help these women. They need to read books, or go for counselling, or help young girls at school re relationship barriers, saying no, inner confidence to do so.

But to just take the thread down is disgusting. I'm really very cross.

And what about the women on mn who aren't like this ? who don't have any problem saying no, who may not have great relationship barriers in every area of their life but in certain areas they have very good ones? I'm sorry, are we supposed to just pipe down and shut up as well?

Sorry but LTB and ‘don’t take everyone’s shit all the time’ are two very different things.

Absolutely.

misogynistic and goady ?

As for the women who CAN NOT say no...they don’t have to. Of course they can continue to do whatever feels best for them. But other women CAN and with time, WILL say no. And they need to be told, loud and clear, that it’s okay to do so. Otherwise they might all stay in their shitty situations forever and I don’t think that’s a positive end result. Do you?

It's woman who hold families together. It's what they do. Just because they do - it should not be expected. It should be valued.

I sleep walked into being one of those women. Without any thought when I met dh I started to encourage him to buy nicer gifts for his parents for mum day etc... Xmas, bdays..

Tried to work out what cousins I'd never met or met once in different countries wanted!
Aunts /uncles, grandparents..what a nightmare and they still treated me like utter shit.
Of course they didn't really know I'd stepped m into this role!!

Xmmmaes there were also not great.
It's only hearing from the others women on here asking.. Why are you you doing this? Whose asked you to step in between dh and his family and try to bridge gaps??

I remember my dad and step mum being absolutely vile at Christmas. She was stressed to high heaven and they both drank a lot which probably didn’t help. I never enjoyed Christmas as a child. There was always a horrible undercurrent. When her and my dad were nice, we were always waiting for the next explosion of anger towards us.

I made a very conscious decision when we became parents that I didn’t want to parent in that way and didn’t want Christmas to be like that for our children.

Thanks @Pinkypenguin

It took me years to stand up to exh and inlaws to get the xmas I wanted. It caused a lot of trouble and they eventually stopped talking to me. Best thing I ever did.

I have a question about a thread I am nearly certain that I read on here last night about a couple expecting 7 of her DH's relatives over Christmas and them staying till almost new years....did I imagine that? Have I been on the egg nog already??? ( I hate egg nog)
Did it get pulled? If so why?

@LookItsMeAgain it’s still up. Title starts ‘Special Unexpected Visitors...’

Thanks Holly - I was starting to think I'd had too many glasses of wine last night

Boring MN edit of title has killed thread, which is a shame