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Original poster

I will be spending Christmas running around like a headless chicken and eating sandwiches on the side of the road. Great.

273 replies

WillyWonkster · 21/12/2021 20:01

I’m dreading Christmas. My DH and I have 3 sets of ‘households’ to visit and so are having to carefully time our day.
All 3 sets of people are being bloody difficult, they have their own plans (which overlap) and they aren’t budging. 2 of them are renowned for being 2-3 hours late to things too, so I just know if we do come up with a plan it will be left in tatters. And I’ll then be called ‘uptight’.

When we suggest they move things forward or back 30 mins to give us more time to dash across the county we’re met with pursed lips and accusations that we ‘don’t care enough’ and ‘we’re being selfish’. Not going isn’t an option, the fall out would be huge.

Currently we won’t make it in time for Christmas lunch ‘at 3pm prompt’ at household 2 but will they move lunch half an hour, hell will they. So they are happy for us to leave household 1, grab a sandwich from a petrol station and sit in a forecourt for an hour or so before turning up ‘at a reasonable time’ to household 2 (I.e after they’ve eaten Christmas dinner). I should add we can’t have Christmas dinner at household 1 because we’re not bloody invited! They are literally kicking us out!
Just fuck off all of you!!!!!!!!!!
Rant over, needed to get that off my chest.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 22/12/2021 02:19

Stop letting them bully you
Last Christmas or not

groovergirl · 22/12/2021 03:07

As many wise women have said upthread, Fuck This Shit.

Tell them you've decided to have a delicious Xmas lunch at home. Make or order some lovely treats. Visit the rels, if you want to, some time during the 12 Days. Enjoy yourselves, and remember No More Shit! You too can make the rules and start a new way of doing Xmas. Any nonsense from the fam, give them that MN classic a tinkly laugh!

Personally, I had to get a divorce to get away from all the passive aggression and martyrdom that seethed in XH's family at Xmas. I'd visit my DPs who actually liked my company and we'd have a picnic on the beach. (Xmas is summer in Sydney.)

@CorvusPurpureus, that is indeed a cautionary tale. I'm wishing your DM a peaceful Xmas Day to spend however she likes. And I hope you have a good one, too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2021 03:47

@TheLadyofChristmasPast

Is this for real?

So, these people are so important that you MUST visit them of Christmas Day. But none of them think you’re important enough to ensure you have some dinner?

Why would you allow this to happen?

Just say no…what’s the worse that could happen? (You might enjoy your own Christmas and have a lovely dinner).

This. And send that message quoted a few times telling them you’re not going. How dare they treat you like dirt. This is your husband’s family I presume? If so, you have a dh problem. Either way, you have boundary issues, which can be solved with therapy.
EmmasMum12 · 22/12/2021 04:48

Here's the thing. You , I, all of us.... allow others to treat us the way they do.

So people treat us badly because we allow it

Our bad. Not theirs. Because if we didn't allow them to treat us like shit, then they would have to stop.

Say no, walk away, go LC/NC

Or don't

But if you don't, your bad.

ChubbyMorticia · 22/12/2021 04:53

I'm always confused as to why people insist on setting themselves on fire to keep others warm.

Other people's expectations aren't your obligations.

gofg · 22/12/2021 05:55

She won't make it in time as she'll be spending an hour eating a sandwich ... so that she'll then turn up late and miss Christmas lunch with household 2.

They are having the sandwich because they won't make it for lunch due to it apparently not being able to be moved, and are spending an hour eating it so they can arrive after lunch. Surely that's not too hard to understand, that they don't want to arrive in the middle of a lunch and sit there watching everyone else eat??? Maybe slow down and read the op properly.

Tinitiny · 22/12/2021 06:57

No. Just no.
I think I’d have a migraine that day. Or develop a worrying cough.
And stop letting people bully me/us.

Coffeepot72 · 22/12/2021 07:08

Been there , done that, the fall out was SPECTACULAR, and Christmas is a joy again

@OMICHristmasOn please elaborate!

girafferafferaffe · 22/12/2021 07:13

Tell them you're not coming. Turn off your phone. Have a lovely Xmas. There's still time!

3luckystars · 22/12/2021 07:15

I would just call them and say ‘I’m finding everything a bit stressful, I need to stay at home but will see you at some stage over Christmas’ they will accept that and it is easy to say also.

DrSbaitso · 22/12/2021 07:24

@WillyWonkster

I just said that to DH, we’re doing a lateral flow test on Christmas Eve and I’m praying it’s positive!
If it's not, just say it is.

Why are you putting yourself and your family through this?

BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2021 07:28

So you're planning to visit three households on Christmas Day and not one of them is going to serve you an actual Christmas meal?

Fuck. That. Shit.

Get everyone together on a group Zoom call and have an adult conversation about it all. Even if you all live in the same area, it's not really possible to visit three households on the same day and spend meaningful time with them all at a relaxed pace, let alone if you have to 'dash across the country'.

Agree who's going to host you for lunch, maybe visit one of them in the morning on the way if it's at 3 pm, so you can get there in time to arrive, say hello etc. See the others or have them come to you on Boxing Day or whenever, job done.

JosiahJosiahKate · 22/12/2021 07:45

@Akire

You can’t equally be the ruin of their Xmas if you don’t go but on other hand not important enough to stay for lunch.
Absolutely! No-one is going to be inconvenienced by waiting for you to arrive so they can serve food. You're not spoiling anyone's lunch plans if you don't go, so don't go!
speakout · 22/12/2021 08:12

Time to become an adult OP.

FrancescaContini · 22/12/2021 08:13

It’s easy. Just don’t do it. It sounds exhausting and pointless.

AlbertBridge · 22/12/2021 08:34

1 is my family who are the only nice reasonable ones,

I thought no.1 was the family who refused to cook for you and who are "literally kicking us out"?

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 22/12/2021 08:42

Zombie that's impossible to comment on until we kmow the actual distances.
However as cruel as your post sounds, ops post does ring martyrs bells. I have a relative like this.. She's a beautiful wondeful human she's the glue that holds families together but... She has wasted her life running around after people who don't care for her like her siblings or neices and nephews. She's run herself only into the ground.
She's mid forties now and like at tattered rag totally threadbare and mentally and emotionally wrung out.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 22/12/2021 08:45
  • I've done it as well, the running around, it's all to do with low self esteem, the desire to please, the karpman drama triangle etc.

I genuinely loved my own dp and appreciated everything they did for me but dh family... Wow.
Absolutely selfish bastards who wouldn't put themselves out for anyone! Only one or two are kind. I don't mind doing things fir kind people. But selfish arrogant bastards no!!

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/12/2021 08:52

It seems a bit irresponsible in these days of Omicron to be visiting 3 households on the same day in any case

Surely this gives you the best get out ever.
Tell them that Chris Witty says you can't do it and then stay at home or pick one household (who are actually offering you lunch) and stay there all day.

I've never done 3 in one day but we did do some crazy long back to back journeys on Christmas Day and Boxing Day with small kids back in the day that I now regret all in the name of 'being fair'

Tillsforthrills · 22/12/2021 08:54

Go straight to household 2 and enjoy Xmas lunch. Forget household 1, it isn’t worth it.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 22/12/2021 08:55

Why are so many people advising the OP to lie and deceive rather than to just grow the fuck up and say no?

If she lies and blames Covid she'll be in the same position next year or at Easter or whenever.

OverByYer · 22/12/2021 09:47

What @JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon says. Grow a pair.

DrSbaitso · 22/12/2021 09:58

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon

Why are so many people advising the OP to lie and deceive rather than to just grow the fuck up and say no?

If she lies and blames Covid she'll be in the same position next year or at Easter or whenever.

You know, you're quite right.

PPs were also right to say that you can't possibly ruin these people's Christmas by not being there if they don't want to have you for the meal and they're not prepared to change their schedules by half an hour. Don't do it, enjoy Christmas your way and tell them why.

Once you're free of their expectations and need for their approval, you'll see what a burden it all was and how little you need it.

1967buglet · 22/12/2021 10:15

I agree with the posters on this thread. If they don’t consider you important enough to have for lunch, and don’t care if you are eating a service station sandwich in your car and driving from place to place, they don’t care about you. They just like seeing how much they can get you to run around and please them. Say you aren’t coming due to COVID restrictions, get a nice prepared Christmas dinner at M & S, and enjoy the holidays with your children. And anyhow, if you have a terminally ill relative, it isn’t a great idea to be visiting with the virus surge anyhow.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2021 10:25

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon

Why are so many people advising the OP to lie and deceive rather than to just grow the fuck up and say no?

If she lies and blames Covid she'll be in the same position next year or at Easter or whenever.

Exactly.