What to buy someone who saves EVERYTHING "for best"?

[TooWicked]

At my wits end with my mum and what to buy her. Everything gets put away for "best", only 'best' never seems to come around.

Expensive perfume has been left unused and goes off. Cashmere cardigan placed in the wardrobe unworn and now moth eaten. Posh candle remained unlit and even if it were lit now there'd be no smell from it anyway. A lovely teapot and mug stored away in the kitchen cupboard in case it gets chipped. Ugg slippers are too good to wear every day, I'm not sure they've been worn at all yet. Gift voucher for a lovely local restaurant got left until it had expired because there wasn't an occasion good enough to warrant it.

She doesn't read, do jigsaws, gardening or have any real hobbies that I can think of. And I feel it's a total waste buying anything expensive. I'm at the point of just going to buy her a load of tat from B&M.

Help please!

My DMum keeps and wears things that really should be thriwn out ( even though she has newer/nicer things )

I bought her new nighties and sneaked the old ones out .
Same with dressing gowns .

She is a Care Home now and I was able to recycle most of her clothing that just sat in her wardribe unworn, not fitting , most of it she's unpicked seams or waistbands and never finished .

I bought her lots of new things but I know she has some old favourites ( things my Dad bought her) that she'll insist on keeping ( fair enough)

Mum is a hoarder and post war/rationing generation. I think the only way in 1 in = 1 out .

Print out this and frame it for her

Erm I'm probs a bit like your mum OP as in 'things' are just gonna lie around untouched.
The only acceptable gifts (unless I expressly ask) are edibles or experience vouchers ;) i

Do something together. So give her a pretty card containing a promise to take her for afternoon tea/dinner/a show/film and arrange to do it.

Easy!

Alternatively a magazine subscription (or a year of netflix or something) or membership of the national trust. Something that is better value the more you use it and can't be saved.

I would buy something for her that can be looked at.
A picture for the wall (arrange to put it up for her)
Flowers or plant
A photograph album filled with family photos you have on phone etc.

As a full time carer I know it's very easy to get 'stuck in a rut' and maybe there's a part of her that thinks she doesn't 'deserve' such nice things. Maybe try and find out what her 'best' day/evening out would be and arrange for another carer/family member to take over her duties for the day/evening. She could have her hair done and go to a themed type restaurant etc... when she has her best clobber on compliment her on how amazing she looks and who knows it could become a regular thing.

@Peregrina

But keeping money squirreled away in envelopes, when it could have been banked in a savings account - maybe one in the grandchildren's name, would have been better. I admit the money wasn't wasted, and banks will take out of date notes.

Unlike clothes and table linen kept back for 'best' and eventually having to be thrown away because it's moth eaten.

Millions of older people don't use banks, it can affect pensions/benefits and a whole host of things and opening an account in another person's name to hide money is illegal but there's nothing illegal about keeping money under your mattress.

My DM most definitely had a bank account - although I admit she was one who preferred a cash economy.

I am quite sure that savings accounts can be opened for grandchildren and it's up to anyone who feels like it to put money into it.

Your Mum doesn't want a cashmere jumper or expensive bottle of perfume, she has no use for them so although they're expensive, to her they are worthless

I think this is the best advice. And if she says she wants nothing, then get her nothing or just a token gift like a box of Rose's.

@Peregrina

My DM most definitely had a bank account - although I admit she was one who preferred a cash economy.

I am quite sure that savings accounts can be opened for grandchildren and it's up to anyone who feels like it to put money into it.

yes you can pay into other people's banks but that money has to be specifically for that person... you can't hide your money in someone else's account to get around benefit rules and tax laws.

She would have zero claims to any money in her grandkids name and if they found out she was 'secretly' storing it to later withdraw it for a funeral etc... there would be repocusions.

There is a whole specific law (to do with inheritance tax) around this due to people attempting to protect assets. I don't think it's right that government can shake down old people (and more power to them keeping untraceable money in a shoebox in their cupboard or whereever) but it is the law regardless.

Thanks everyone, I’ve gone with the magazine subscription.

Your Mum doesn't want a cashmere jumper or expensive bottle of perfume, she has no use for them so although they're expensive, to her they are worthless

Ok, in future when she says “I’d love some of that perfume you’re wearing” or “I’d like a cashmere jumper, it feels so cosy” or “these slippers are lovely, I wouldn’t mind a pair of these” I’ll ignore her.

I'd book tickets to a show or something - so then you've got her a gift AND she gets the chance to use some of her things that she's kept 'for best'.

Also, how long has she kept her perfume for it to 'go off'? I've had some of mine for 20 years and it's still fine!

@LindaEllen I don’t know, a couple of years on her dressing table probably in full sunlight during some parts of the day. Maybe she just likes looking at it. Who knows.

You’ve done the right thing. A magazine subscription sounds ideal, you can’t keep that for best. My mum and Nan were the same, you’ll never undo it.

None of getting round money laundering was an explanation for DM's behaviour. It was very much like the OP. She was brought up with the mantra of 'Waste not, want not', and although she had a comfortable upbringing, had been poor when she first got married. Being frugal became a habit - although frugal isn't quite the word as it isn't with the OPs mother. Because as we have said, keeping things back for a best which never comes and they then get spoiled or just left unused until the person dies isn't really spending wisely.

A magazine subscription sounds ideal, you can’t keep that for best.

But you can keep it in a pile unread, or even better, keep it in a pile without taking the wrapper off!

@TooWicked

Thanks everyone, I’ve gone with the magazine subscription.

Your Mum doesn't want a cashmere jumper or expensive bottle of perfume, she has no use for them so although they're expensive, to her they are worthless

Ok, in future when she says “I’d love some of that perfume you’re wearing” or “I’d like a cashmere jumper, it feels so cosy” or “these slippers are lovely, I wouldn’t mind a pair of these” I’ll ignore her.

Yep, you've been clear you have bought her things she said she liked. I do think though, if she does say something again like "id love a [thing you have]" id say "would you use it though? If I thought you'd use it I'd get you [thing] for birthday/Christmas, or would it be saved for best and never used like those slippers I got you last time?" Say if feels like a waste of money to buy things that get saved for best and not used.

Or get her another of the same so they could be her new saved for best and the other thing can now be downgraded to being used.

Glad you're sorted op.
Hope you have a lovely Christmas

@Megacervixosaurus

You’ve done the right thing. A magazine subscription sounds ideal, you can’t keep that for best. My mum and Nan were the same, you’ll never undo it.

people do indeed hoard magazines... It is one of the most common 'collection' hoarding behaviors.

@Peregrina

A magazine subscription sounds ideal, you can’t keep that for best.

But you can keep it in a pile unread, or even better, keep it in a pile without taking the wrapper off!

I feel persecuted 😳

@TooWicked

Thanks everyone, I’ve gone with the magazine subscription.

Your Mum doesn't want a cashmere jumper or expensive bottle of perfume, she has no use for them so although they're expensive, to her they are worthless

Ok, in future when she says “I’d love some of that perfume you’re wearing” or “I’d like a cashmere jumper, it feels so cosy” or “these slippers are lovely, I wouldn’t mind a pair of these” I’ll ignore her.

So one year she said "I'd like some of that expensive perfume", so you bought it, then she never wears it.

Next Xmas she said "I'd like a cashmere jumper", so you bought it, and she never wears it.

Then she says "I'd like some expensive slippers", you bought them, she never wears them.

Perhaps these things don't really fit in with her lifestyle as a full time carer? I wouldn't be doing that in cashmere myself I must admit.

I hope she enjoys her magazine subscription.