What to buy someone who saves EVERYTHING "for best"?

[TooWicked]

At my wits end with my mum and what to buy her. Everything gets put away for "best", only 'best' never seems to come around.

Expensive perfume has been left unused and goes off. Cashmere cardigan placed in the wardrobe unworn and now moth eaten. Posh candle remained unlit and even if it were lit now there'd be no smell from it anyway. A lovely teapot and mug stored away in the kitchen cupboard in case it gets chipped. Ugg slippers are too good to wear every day, I'm not sure they've been worn at all yet. Gift voucher for a lovely local restaurant got left until it had expired because there wasn't an occasion good enough to warrant it.

She doesn't read, do jigsaws, gardening or have any real hobbies that I can think of. And I feel it's a total waste buying anything expensive. I'm at the point of just going to buy her a load of tat from B&M.

Help please!

My mum was like this. When she died we had a ton of stuff to dispose of that we found in her wardrobes - unused with tags on or still in packaging.

She’d wear slippers with holes in rather than any of the new pairs she was bought, ditto socks, shoes, dressing gowns and clothes. Nightwear was kept in case she went to hospital (never happened). I found out that the hand creams and beauty products I gave her were given to her sister as soon as she got them. You couldn’t replace worn out kitchenware as she’d just take the stuff back. A lovely bouquet or a monthly flower subscription? She’d give them to friends and neighbours.

We’d rack our brains trying to choose useful things that she wouldn’t think were too good for her, but it was pointless.

The only things she’d keep were photo books or framed photos. I ended up mostly giving her M&S gift cards which she then just spent on grocery shopping.

Buy her some clothes moth repellent. Can’t bring back the cashmere cardigan but it might save any future ones. These worked a treat in our new house:

Thanks everyone, some good ideas, I’ve gone for a magazine subscription and I’ve ordered her a festive Christmas bouquet of flowers.

I don’t think it’s that she doesn’t really want the nice things we get, she went on and on about my perfume and how lovely it was every time she smelled it for about a year before I bought it for her. When she comes to our house and I’m burning a good scented candle she’ll say how lucky I am to be able to buy these things ‘just because’. She wore my spare Ugg slippers one time she was here and spent all day saying they were the most comfortable slippers she’s ever worn, etc. There just appears to be some kind of mental block when it comes to owning and using these things herself. She and my dad are quite well off so it’s not a money issue now although that may be how it started. I think a PP is correct, it’s far too ingrained to change now. I feel very sad for her though.

And no I wouldn’t wear a cashmere cardigan to do the decorating in, whoever asked that, but I am wearing a cashmere jumper and socks right now to lounge around the house in while I have covid. The point is that the “best” occasion or time or event that she’s saving these things for never happens.

I would buy her an orchid , a little watering can and some orchid mister. Maybe she doesn't want to be "treated" , actually she wants to work for her present.

My grandma was like this. When she died, we found lovely cardigans and skirts in her bedroom, unworn, whilst she wore her ancient stuff to death. She really liked the gifts, but never recognised a time that warranted wearing them. It was so sad.

In your position, I’d take her out to lunch or dinner. To nicer places that where you would normally go.

Tickets to a dated event for you and her. She HAS to go!

Something to help with her being frugal jumper debobbler thingy etc

A year’s subscription to Freddie’s Flowers with a delivery once a month

Yeah, I had a mother like this....Chocolate, fancy soap, hankies, tablecloths...we found them all in the various wardrobes when she had to go into full-time nursing care.

The one thing she DID use, and that she evidently liked so much she actually asked for more of, was a gentle cream for her psoriasis...and in her younger days she was a bit partial to a gin and orange or a little glass of really good sherry....

If she reads or watches TV series, what about a subscription to Readly or BritBox, Netflix, or Prime? Most people would find something they'd enjoy on one of those...

I agreement step away from stuff and do things together. But maybe not a posh lunch as that does jot seem to be her thing at all so perhaps go fpr sentimental things.

If she likes gardening, maybe you have an afternoon, coffee at the gardening centre, you buy her a plant or two and you plant them for her.

If she likes cooking, maybe a notebook for her to write down her recipes, which you can then take a copy of, etc.

Plants/bulbs in a pot for by the front door. Deadhead them each time you visit. Nice cushion for her favourite chair.

@BarbaraofSeville

]] book.

Don't worry, it's not grim, it tells you to use the nice things you have, as well as not leaving a load of clutter and loose ends for those who will have to sort your house out after you've gone.

Plus flowers if she likes them and then take her out for afternoon tea/cocktails/fish and chips at the seaside or whatever you think she'd enjoy.

I want to get this for my PIL but I don’t thinkmthey would be impressed.

OP I'm probably like your mam a bit... I save some things for sentimental reasons (like the first chocolates and perfume my DS bought me with his own money, I just couldn't bring my self to use them because then they'd be gone) but I also don't care remotely for 'fancy/expensive/luxury' items so 'keeping them for best' basically means I either don't like them (like wine) or don't know what to do with them (like leather driving gloves, what are they even for?).

A £50 cashmere scarf means NOTHING to me, a £10 Primark hoody will likely get worn because if nothing else it's practical.

Can I say please no flowers/plants though, thats the worst gift... here have this dying shedding smelly bug attracted or have this non-exciting pet you didn't ask for but now have to remember to keep alive until the end of bloody time.

How about making her up a christmas stocking with small usable things from M&S / Boots etc?

I do this for my mother and include things like a christmas decoration, a bar of chocolate, a soap, a hand cream, a magazine, a small handbag sized umbrella / fold up shopping bag, an inexpensive candle, a small photo frame with a picture of gdc in it, a calendar, a small box of nice notelets, an individual christmas pudding

Not all of these things at once but over the past few years I've bought these things

My mother is REALLY hard to buy for too. My siblings and I club together to buy her a nice leather bag - Radley, which was what she was oohing and aahing over. Next time I saw her she was using a fake plastic plaid burberry which was really fake looking and someone had bought it at a market in spain and given it to her. no sign of the lovely bag...

Same with buying her a nice jumper, she'll be wearing a primark fleece etc etc

Yet she's ALWAYS banging on about how her friends daughters spoil her friend with such lovely gifts and how stylish she always looks. And her wardrobe is bulging with beautiful things but will she wear them? NO!

Now I do the stocking and get a voucher for the supermarket / garden centre

Thank you for the kind words. It is mum who asks for the new nighty every year not me. Mine is a self esteem issue, I dont feel worth nice products. Its not a money thing, we can afford luxuries now and again. I do need to use the products, I know.
Going back to ideas for your mum, something she might use, is a nice kitchen gadget. I had a kitchen aid one year and absolutely love it, and use it.

@clairethewitch70

Thank you for the kind words. It is mum who asks for the new nighty every year not me. Mine is a self esteem issue, I dont feel worth nice products. Its not a money thing, we can afford luxuries now and again. I do need to use the products, I know. Going back to ideas for your mum, something she might use, is a nice kitchen gadget. I had a kitchen aid one year and absolutely love it, and use it.

You definitely do deserve nice things. Getting some counselling could really help you. It sounds hard.

My mum was the same. The one luxury that she did enjoy toward the end of her life was a very nice handbag (hers was falling apart). My sisters and I went shopping together and picked out a Mulberry bag for her. She loved it and it was her pride and joy. She even asked us to get her some boots in a matching colour the following Christmas!
We didn't think she would know how much the bag cost (she was completely oblivious to labels) but a couple of years later I heard her tell our Dad "that's a £500 handbag!"… I suspect my sister in law might have made come comment about it. She didn't stop using it though.

@clairethewitch70 - tomorrow - Saturday- plan a nice outfit. Something from the "best" side of your wardrobe. Something that feels a bit fancy. I know you are going to think that this is too nice to wear to do Saturday jobs /run the dcs to clubs etc, but then put it on. Over dress. Then plan an outfit for Sunday. Can you make an effort to wear every one of your "best" items of clothing before the New Year? One wear won't ruin them. You might feel overdressed for just WFH /doing stuff with the kids. But do it.

Its Friday night, the "mad Friday" that is traditionally the big night out (the last Friday before Christmas is known in pub / club/ restaurant industry to be full on), if you are at home, then that in itself is a special occasion, pick one of your fancy candles and light it.

OP for your mum, can you ask her? Say something like "I thought you would like the perfume I bought you previously but you've not used it, so I can't buy another bottle for you again this year. What do you need? New towels? New slippers? Can you let me know what I could get that you will use? Would you like to go to see x at the theatre?"

Or you could also try buying her another pair of the slippers - deliver them with "you now can keep these ones for best and use the old pair for every day" or would that just mean she has a pile of slippers in her cupboard?

Flowers definitely. She can’t put them in a cupboard or save.

I would also book an afternoon tea for a specific date - with you.

Tickets to a show.

Making me realise that I save far too much for ‘best’ and will end up one of these moms if I carry on! I’m going to light the expensive candle… 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

Nrtft

A hamper with basics they like, their favourite everyday tea/coffee, biscuits, cakes, tea towels, maybe a cup. Anything they would ordinarily use and not put away for “best”.

@clairethewitch70 What if you think about it a different way? Those products were made to be used/worn. It's their destiny! If you can't use them for you yet, use them for them.
If you can break the status quo that way, it might help you to see that you are so very worthy of using them.
I had this years ago with clothes. Loads of lovely dresses hanging up but I was wearing the same old jeans and tops for work. Had an epiphany that it was ok for me to wear the dresses day to day and I haven't looked back since. I've been wearing sequined jumpers while WFH for the last month or so because frankly both the jumpers and I deserve that more than them sitting in a wardrobe waiting for 'one day'!

I’d take her out and do lovely things to boost her self esteeem
But failing that buy ‘not for best’ stuff
I have a person like this in my life, so Instead of buying the ugg slippers, I’d buy the nicest ones at asda
Instead of a super posh candle, I’d get a cheap but nice one from tk maxx
Then it’s nicer than what they have already
But not so nice that they are saving it and they actually get some use out of it

I’ve also done things like just light the fancy candle at the house when I was there, then it’s already used and not being ‘saved’
And I’d notice when I went round in the future they’d actually used it since then