What to buy someone who saves EVERYTHING "for best"?

[TooWicked]

At my wits end with my mum and what to buy her. Everything gets put away for "best", only 'best' never seems to come around.

Expensive perfume has been left unused and goes off. Cashmere cardigan placed in the wardrobe unworn and now moth eaten. Posh candle remained unlit and even if it were lit now there'd be no smell from it anyway. A lovely teapot and mug stored away in the kitchen cupboard in case it gets chipped. Ugg slippers are too good to wear every day, I'm not sure they've been worn at all yet. Gift voucher for a lovely local restaurant got left until it had expired because there wasn't an occasion good enough to warrant it.

She doesn't read, do jigsaws, gardening or have any real hobbies that I can think of. And I feel it's a total waste buying anything expensive. I'm at the point of just going to buy her a load of tat from B&M.

Help please!

Unfortunately this was all drummed into me as a child.

I had this too. You need to drum it out. The sky will not fall in if you get that new jumper out of the cupboard and wear it, I promise.

This is why I like lists, and if not, I will ask people what they want.

I hate wasting money and would rather send £100 on something someone wants than £10 on some crap that isn't wanted.

Your Mum doesn't want a cashmere jumper or expensive bottle of perfume, she has no use for them so although they're expensive, to her they are worthless. Ask her what she wants. If she says nothing then look around and see what she needs, see what would make her life a bit easier. Sounds like she'd appreciate some form of respite from her caring duties, is it possible to provide this in some form?

Going forward, try to think about what she needs rather than what you want to give. You cannot change how she is, you've got no control over this, but you can change how you act.

I would go for a nice big winter plant tub or shrub/box topiary from the garden centre. All planted up in a big tub/half barrel that it can stay in for a while (nothing to re-pot or it won't get done). Gift it to her with a big bow on. Before you leave, remove bow and plonk the pot outside front door.

A pretty box to store her unused bits and bobs in!!
A hamper of foods she likes, biscuits and maybe some wine or hot chocolate - remind her of the 'use-by dates'.
Extra hangers for all the lovely clothes she never wears.
Bottle of fresh air.
Pay one of her bills for 6 months.

See I have been described as having this 'old-time hoarding mentality' by people and people say it's to do with the war
My nan, who died in the early 1980s was the same. In her pantry there was bags and bags of sugar and jars of coffee.

There used to be a long thread on this type of thing. The posters all kept things "for best" but were encouraging each other to use them. It was lovely reading what was being used and the joy it was bringing people.

I think a trip out with a defined date (that she can change if it doesn't work, but where it isn't left up to her to set the date because then she never will) is the best plan. That might come with a bit of a cost to OP, though - everyone I've known like this is similarly hard work on a trip out, with constant shocked comments about the price of everything, the waste of money, how little you get for that money, etc. It can make the whole thing a bit of a misery. We took my nana out for meals instead of presents but I don't think she actually enjoyed eating anywhere except Wetherspoons or a supermarket cafe because the cost made her so uncomfortable - in hindsight maybe we should just have taken her there, but we kept trying to find 'nice' things for her!

@neonjumper

Food ... that can't be kept for best !

We're in our 60s and most of our friends and family are too. We routinely give food/drink gifts now, on the basis that we don't want a pile of 'things' (if we want/need something, we buy it) and we'd never turn our noses up to food/drink gifts.

I find it very liberating, especially as with most of these gifts I can order and have them sent directly - no wrapping, etc.

I take it she’s not old enough to be a war baby? My grandma was like this, borne out of a lifetime of borderline poverty and a childhood of make do and mend. No solutions I’m afraid.

Anything hobby related… knitting wool etc?

My mum is a bit like this - especially if it is toiletries (nice face or hand cream etc) and also she doesn't need anything, has plenty of money to buy whatever she needs/wants. She used to put pants (underwear) on the xmas list but I refuse to buy something she would buy herself all through the year. It was simply a case of putting something on the list rather than getting something for a treat that she would not have bought herself. This year I got her tickets for an illuminated garden event for her and a friend (Kew Gardens Glow thingy) and a gorgeous bouquet from a unique florist to be delivered on Tuesday (rather than an online delivery service).

@TooWicked

I've done food before, I made a hamper full of lovely things for Boxing Day breakfast with fresh coffee and a cafatiere, and stuff from our local farm shop and I kid you not, it was kept in the kitchen 'to look at' until all the fresh stuff had expired. She's probably still got the marmalade in the cupboard gathering dust. I organised a cheese and port delivery for them last year, the port is still in the drinks cabinet.

Vouchers get left to expire, regardless of what they are for.

Regular flowers or a magazine subscription are a good idea.

In all seriousness I do think she needs therapy or some kind of help. I don't know where it stems from but it can't be normal or pleasurable to live life in that way. I remember as a kid not being allowed to open or eat any of the special Christmas food or chocolates they'd got in as it was all being saved for "the day" and then even Christmas Day wasn't good enough to open it all. There's a bottle of Sheridan's liqueur in their drinks cabinet (does anyone remember that stuff?) that is literally solid in the bottle because in the 30 years since they bought it no occasion has been 'best' enough to crack it open. I've gone the completely opposite way, nothing gets saved in our house, whether it's something for me or something for us all, we just get on and open/use it and enjoy it.

She sounds very much like my mum @TooWicked. When she died and we were clearing out her wardrobes, there were lovely shoes still in the box, brand new jackets and jumpers wrapped in tissue paper, unopened bottles of perfume. When I was growing up, she used to buy fruit but we weren't allowed to eat it - it was just to look nice in the bowl. It would get thrown out when it went off then replaced. She also used to say she wouldn't buy biscuits "because you would just eat them"! Another telling thing was that she was obsessed with being "caught short" money wise so her purse was full of precisely folded 10 and 20 notes, some of which were out of circulation currency when she died, they'd been there that long. I think the two things are linked ie a fear of not "having enough" of something.

I don't know what the answer is. My mum was a smoker (and drinker) so we ended up getting her fags for Christmas and birthdays - at least they got used.

I would give her practical, useful presents that don't need to save for best. A warm cardigan, a new pair of ordinary slippers.

But more practical cheap stuff, maybe from B&M or whatever price point goods she feels more comfortable using.

I’ve often bought my mum and dad things that get stuffed in cupboards, but the one thing they love and use to death is the air fryer I bought them last year. They use it for cooking chicken and fish, and lots of things they’d normally have used the oven for.

Cash

A nice pot plant and an M&S voucher. Don’t try and understand it. Don’t try and make her see that you just want to treat her. Just let her get on with it.

Sometimes we just have to accept people as they are (is what I learned after bloody years of therapy).

With my late and genuinely DM, when given cash, she would just put the envelope with it in to one side. When she died I found loads of envelopes still with cash in them. Banked, it all helped to go towards various expenses which occur when someone passes away, but I wish she had enjoyed the money herself.

@Peregrina

With my late and genuinely DM, when given cash, she would just put the envelope with it in to one side. When she died I found loads of envelopes still with cash in them. Banked, it all helped to go towards various expenses which occur when someone passes away, but I wish she had enjoyed the money herself.

I do this too... there's nothing I need with the odd £20 here and there but the money I saved over the last 10 years or so is now a house deposit, I just need to find a house I like.

The money I saved from Xmas and birthdays has save my ass more than once when I was stone cold broke years after it was gifted.

No point in spending money for the sake of it on stuff you don't need. It's often better to look ahead to what you do need money for, a funeral etc... is a great example of something worthwhile (we all need one, they are expensive and having cash means you can have what you want not the basic) where as a £20 ornament etc... isn't.

My friend teaches her kid to spend money they get for Xmas/birthday as soon as they get it (sometimes before it's even officially been given by loaning it from someone with a promise to give it back because she expects to be getting money) always on any random shit (they will spend £300 on novelty knick knacks) and I can't help but think she's just teaching them terrible financial sense - but not my circus not my monkey.

My mum was like this and, to be honest, so was I until a few years ago. I was almost made to feel unworthy of anything nice by my mother, and it’s only now (I’m 68) that I can wear or use something nice without feeling guilty.
What a waste it’s been 😢

An experience or activity that you do together on a set date.
Hair nails appointment
A show
Hire a clutter specialist “therapist”
Learn to make chocolate, cook Thai
Sky diving

But keeping money squirreled away in envelopes, when it could have been banked in a savings account - maybe one in the grandchildren's name, would have been better. I admit the money wasn't wasted, and banks will take out of date notes.

Unlike clothes and table linen kept back for 'best' and eventually having to be thrown away because it's moth eaten.

Not RTFT but my suggestion would also be something you do with her so you can book and make sure you both do it!

I had several relatives who struggled to enjoy what they had. My granny had a huge set of crockery that was beautiful but always 'kept for best' and I never saw it used although she loved it.

My uncle died recently and my dad and siblings received a large sum from his estate. When he was alive he went on holiday staying in travelodges, wore old clothes etc. I wish he had enjoyed the money he worked hard for more.

I’ve found booking things for specific dates works. I’ve just booked theatre tickets (My Fairs Lady’s on in London next year) as a Xmas present for my Mum.