Telling DC Father Christmas is not real (a safe space)

[nc1985]

Anyone else gone down this route, or are planning to go down this route, with their DC?

DH and I have decided not to play along with telling our 4yo and 2.5yo that Santa exists/brings the presents at Christmas.

Our 4yo understands mermaids and unicorns, for example, are pretend and that doesn't stop her enjoying playing with them, wearing unicorn-themed costumes etc. We think the same principle will apply with Christmas, that is our DC will enjoy the "magic" of Christmas without buying in to the whole story as fact.

I just wanted a safe place to chat with other mums who are thinking similar to us. Are you out there?

Not prepared to get flamed Go easy on me if you don't side with my opinion on Father Christmas/Santa.

I didn't grow up with the idea of Santa, because it wasn't cultural, I'm a second generation immigrant. I never spoiled it for others. We just didn't make a big deal of it with my GC. The eldest is nearly 7 and has never told anyone that he isn't real outside of our family. Christmas Chronicles is her favourite film and like a pp said, he is a symbol of Christmas spirit. We aren't religious.
For us he is part of the story of Christmas, like other fairytale folk are part of other seasons. We are very much a Christmas is a season, not a day, family. So there are lots to look forward to. No magic is lost because you don't do Santa, or stockings.

We've never used FC as a substitute for parenting and it used to annoy me when other people commented to them about their behaviour being directly linked.

We have said you have to 'believe' in FC to receive a stocking but that was when they were older and understood it was tongue on cheek.

YOU decide how you want FC to be interpreted in your house and have to be a back thick skinned about anyone else's comments.

I’d say your best bet is to do very little. Just don’t make a big deal out of it; they’ll be exposed to Santa everywhere. On that basis, it’s quite easy to refer to him without any implication that he’s real. Think of how people speak of, say, “Elsa”. You might see “Elsa in the shopping centre”, “a girl with hair like Elsa”, “an Elsa dress”. But you don’t have to spell out to kids that she’s a character and not a real person. The thing with Santa is that people go to great lengths to get their kids to believe that he is real.

We never confirmed the existence. Just did the normal things like nativity plays, carol services, etc. Never deliberately lied and said FC brings you presents, but did talk about FC ... after all he exists (even if he isn't real).

Don't think he's damaged.

All those people saying OPs kids will ruin it for others.... Yeah they might... but so does that 9yo who tells their 5yo sister who then tells all her friends etc.

Don't put all the blame on the kid who wasn't raised to believe.
Loads of kids have a great Christmas without ever believing in FC. It's just different, but neither way is better.

So because your twatty parents used santa as a threat, you are going to remove some of the magic from yours?

Righto.

Or you could just have lovely magical fun and not give them potatoes?

Why do people on these threads insist on ‘the magic?’ Oh you’ll ruin the magic! You’re taking away the magic!

There are different types of niceness and ‘the magic’ doesn’t really resonate with a lot of people and families. For us the beautiful Christmas feeling comes in our Christmas Eve walk and then back home and into our pyjamas for hot drinks before bed.

I personally think the intense pressure in recent years for things to be magical memory making madness is insane.

It's up to you they are your kids , I don't understand why you would ask random strangers if not to start a bun fight or a daily mail article .

Agree with you totally, @Kanaloa. Really good post.

It sounds like your parents were incredibly cruel to you at Christmas and that this is colouring your view of it. It sounds like the experience was very painful for you.

It’s of course your right to bring up your children in the way you think best. But it’s not a good idea to be parenting in a way that is a reaction to trauma from your own childhood. Remember that you don’t have to do things the same way as your parents, but you can modify without throwing the baby out with the bath water.

So doing Santa, but not in any way linking it to behaviour or threatening to take away presents, would allow the magic for your kids, without the trauma you suffered happening to your kids. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

If your childhood was generally abusive, it may help to have some therapy or self-reflection around that.

I hope you all have a good Christmas no matter what you decide.

Oh good lord.. I cant stand people who think like this. Happy to spoil the magic for your own kids who then go on and spoil the magic for other kids!! Actually boils my p#$$ reading this!

@Encouragingstranger - God doesn't bring gifts!!!

I feel genuinely sorry for your poor kids who have you as their parents

Why not just not perpetuate the myth, but not outright say he doesn't exist? Plenty of people just go in the middle ground, seems unnecessary to outright tell them just as your parents were horrible about it, but don't have to go all out either. I don't know anyone who feels they were deceived, personally although there's a tonne of exciting bits of Christmas time as a child, santa was one of the best bits for me.

@00100001 Yes - I distinctly recall who did go about telling kids Santa was made up and it was the parents: William, year 3 at playtime. He had believed in it and must’ve somehow found out. Plenty of us who never believed but managed to not announce anything to others!

It’s funny how some find it so sad children will miss out on believing, whereas I find myself pitying those (obv not all!) whose childhood wonder depended so much on Santa.

“It hasn’t ruined Christmas for my DC at all - in fact they love Christmas, even now as teenagers and young adults. I think they haven’t needed to “grow out” of Christmas like some DC do when it’s all based on Santa and elves.”
This really popped out at me, because I still get so excited & tingly about Christmas while DP (every year) sighs over how it isn’t the same/was exciting when he was little, but is now underwhelming... Guess which one of us was raised to believe in FC? Disclaimer: obv not true for many pro-Santa, I just do think there’s a risk of making most of the magic depend on the big man. I have so many happy memories of this occasion and none involved the bearded fellow in red!

@Owlmeow Yeah, I believe OP said she wasn’t going to actually sit the kids down and say ‘Santa isn’t real’, she just didn’t want to actively do the Santa stuff in her household.

@xxxGirlCrushxxx

well it wont be a popular decision when they ruin it all for other young kids in the future....

DD is 11. We never presented Santa as a real thing. She has never believed and has never ruined it for anyone else.

She also eschewed the Tooth Fairy, the Easter bunny and Disney princesses. No drama.

@MrsSkylerWhite absolutely 100%.

DS6 was told by the DS7 that Santa didn't exist. He was absolutely distraught and I wasn't much better myself. They were quite religious and it took all of my persuasive powers to stop DH from going round and telling him that their Religion was made up nonsense as well.

Do what you feel you have to but you absolutely must tell them not to tell other DCs whose families choose to have a bit of harmless magic in their lives.

This is so interesting. Like some other posters, I have no memory of ever believing in Father Christmas and I think this is because my family were very religious (I am not now). People seem to think that the Santa experience is universal and of course it isn't.

My DS is 4.5 and has SEND so I have been trying to decide whether we should introduce FC / Santa as a tradition, just because I feel like he already has a lot on his plate just trying to navigate day to day life - and I have no particular attachment to the tradition.

I like the idea of something quite low key, where we can enjoy stories etc but just not make a big deal about whether he is real or not.

Happy Christmas everyone! 🎄

Your dc will tell other very young dc and spoil the magic.

And I’m not aware my children have ‘ruined’ Christmas for anyone else either.

Only because people probably haven't told you.
A kid in my DS's class told them all Father Christmas wasn't real last year. I wasn't happy and neither were other parents.... but we never says anything to them.

What do you think your children would like?

It all seems about you and your sad experiences as a child.

I have one who loves to believe and gets very upset if people say FC isn't real, and one with SN who has never believed (very literal).

I go with what they want, ask the one who has never believed to support me, and have a (joking) party line of ' Do you want to risk not believing?'.

Fairy tales, make believe etc., are very important for many children to manage ideas about the world, their feelings, even being part of something bigger than them.

Think carefully about why you would take that away from them.

Totallydefeated brilliant post.

I decided we weren't "doing" the tooth fairy.

Unfortunately my children had other ideas and when DC1s first tooth came out he declared he was going to give it to the tooth fairy.

He wanted the magic, so we (slightly grudgingly in the case of the tooth fairy), went along with it.

He loved the idea of Father Christmas and aged 5 truly believed he had seen Santa's sleigh, in the clouds.

I think for most children it is a massive positive.

My son's friend aged 4 asked his Dad who confirmed that parents brought the presents. He tried telling his classmates but no one believed the poor boy.