Telling DC Father Christmas is not real (a safe space)

[nc1985]

Anyone else gone down this route, or are planning to go down this route, with their DC?

DH and I have decided not to play along with telling our 4yo and 2.5yo that Santa exists/brings the presents at Christmas.

Our 4yo understands mermaids and unicorns, for example, are pretend and that doesn't stop her enjoying playing with them, wearing unicorn-themed costumes etc. We think the same principle will apply with Christmas, that is our DC will enjoy the "magic" of Christmas without buying in to the whole story as fact.

I just wanted a safe place to chat with other mums who are thinking similar to us. Are you out there?

Not prepared to get flamed Go easy on me if you don't side with my opinion on Father Christmas/Santa.

I would be so upset if a four year old told my children their parents had said Santa's not real.

Do what you want, but please try not to let it impact others. Believing in Father Christmas made me so happy as a child. I want to share that with my own.

I think most people are upset at the thought as it was such a magical bit of being a parent. Honestly their faces every year when "he came" is one of my favourite memories.
We didn't link it to behaviour, no need to go down that route.
But writing letters, burning them up a chimney, watching the sleigh (satellite), footprints, a little bell when in bed. And those faces in the morning. They are all teens now and that is the bit they loved best. This year we are having no big presents to save money. They didn't care as long as they got a little something in their stockings.
I understand for you it is tied up with a shite memory but maybe you could use this as an opportunity to reverse that?

Christmas is lovely for kids, you do run the risk of your kids spoiling it for others if you don't go along with it to some degree!
We had stockings from Santa and he brought a few themed gifts and new PJ's. Tree gifts were from family. It's harmless fun.

I thought that I would think the same as you OP. I’m really one for telling the truth. However my kids just LOVE it. Now five and eight. We’re taking them to Lapland this year and it really will be magical as they believe.

I suspect my eight year old only has a short time left of that belief because the internet will ensure he knows the truth soon enough. I’m hoping he’ll then keep the magic alive for my youngest.

My childhood was all the richer for believing in magic and toadstools and fairies. There’s a lot of adulthood to wade through. Just let them be kids for as long as possible.

Just don't emphasise on Santa a lot at Christmas.

Unless you are sending your DCs somewhere like a Montessori school, be prepared to be a social pariah if your DC tell the others Santa isn't real.

Yep we did. Told our children it was a ‘fun story’ and that some other children believe. Our eldest son always knew and our youngest still seems to believe despite us never having pretended. We don’t lie to him but on other hand don’t sit him down for a serious chat to say ‘santa isn’t real’.

You’ll get a lot of horrified reactions and fears that you’ll spoil it for everyone else. It’s probably the most controversial parenting decision I’ve made to be honest!

But I’m not going to go along with it just because everyone else does.

Oh and Christmas is still a magical time.

And I’m not aware my children have ‘ruined’ Christmas for anyone else either.

And we don’t seem to be social pariahs LOL

@hibye123

Why do grown adults get so upset when a parent or any other adult tells a child Santa isn't real? I genuinely do not understand this

Me neither. I think the parents are sometimes more invested than the children.

There's no suggestion that OP's dd will tell anyone. I'm actually not that keen on the lie of Santa or the tooth fairy. We just didn't mention him that much, toned it down, and mostly talked about the main present from mum and dad. Never did the putting down white stuff crap and leaving footprints in the kitchen. Every year Santa left a chocolate box.

I think my parents trotted out the line "if you don't behave then Santa won't bring you any presents" quite a lot. I once got a sack of potatoes one year because I was being naughty apparently. A few days later I got my Christmas presents but I remember being absolutely crushed about the potatoes from Santa. As a parent myself now, I think it was incredibly weak parenting from my parents to trot out the Santa line to keep your children "well behaved". That's just not how I roll.*

You don't have to say that though, plenty of people cultivate the magic of santa without using him as a way to try and scare them into behaving. You can always just do a small present/stocking from santa and then the rest from you. Obviously up to you, but seems a shame they will miss out on what many would class of fond memories of being a child at Christmas. Hope they don't ruin it for other children at school etc as well.

So this is really all about you getting bag of spuds for xmas.

Your parents ruined xmas for you so you also want to take that enjoyment from your children.

Be careful OP that you dont suck the little ones enjoyment out of early life because of your own issues.

My husband is Muslim so we don’t really celebrate it Xmas but I still like the buy my kids presents anyway for cultural reasons. However my husband does not get this santa culture in the UK. Why the lie is so important to so many parents. He told our children straight out that it was a lie and that it’s wrong to lie. As others have posted it’s hard to foster religious beliefs with a fake belief.

I hated saying untruths to the DC but went with convention as DC like it and I wouldn't want to spoil it for others.
No need to use FC as a threat or to overplay it and frighten the DC . They come to a realisation between 5 and 8 or so but like to eke it out as they enjoy all the humbug.

We don't celebrate Christmas so I have told my DC that santa isn't real when they asked. We also don't do the tooth fairy. In terms of my DC possibly ruining it for other children, I would've thought it would be easy enough for other parents to deal with in a 'they don't celebrate Christmas so santa doesn't go to their house' type of way.

Likewise, I do Friday treats for my kids. Every Friday they get a special treat after school, we've always done it and they really look forward to it every week and much like Santa and the tooth fairy it's not behaviour based. Sometimes I've heard their friends asking their parents about it at pick up time on a Friday, only to be given a reason why they don't do it in their household or maybe 'we'll get a sweet on the way home'. Its just different parents parenting differently.

My DC enjoy Christmas movies and Christmas Chronicles is their favourite!! They understand that Santa is more a symbol of Christmas rather than an actual person who goes into people's houses. They still enjoy santa coming to school, they just know that he's a person in a costume, much like when elsa and Anna went to school.

'Safe space'? Are you suggesting that being disagreed with threatens your safety?

Do what you like wrt Father Christmas. Like most children I know, my dc fully believed in FC when they were small, gradually became a bit sceptical, then stopped believing but still enjoyed the pretence. They are teens now, and we still hang up their stockings and leave a mince pie and a sherry out for FC . And a carrot for the reindeer, obvs.

Wow @nc1985 I've not managed to read the whole thread but has anyone actually answered the actual question rather than pile on??

We've done this, DC are 9 and 5 and our Christmases are absolutely magical and missing nothing. Happy to answer any questions.

@TheEncouragingStranger

My eldest asked outright, when old enough to properly think about it (so probably 3?) "But who REALLY brings the presents?". I wasn't going to absolutely insist on maintaining the lie, so I explained about st nicholas being a real person, but no longer alive, so people give each other presents now and sometimes pretend to be "father Christmas" or "Santa" to make it more fun.

So we "do Santa" but mine know it's not actually real. They are told very very sternly that they must not tell others though! They are allowed to say "he might be real, but I don't believe in him", but hopefully that won't ruin someone else's Christmas.

(They still love Christmas, get very excited, look forward to stockings, and enjoy the general seasonal magic, so I don't think that being honest when pressed has done lasting damage...)

I have one toddler left, so I guess we'll see if they question it too, or whether the older ones want to join in with pretending it's real. I'm not fussed either way tbh.

I think this is a nice approach. You don’t need to sit them down and explain that Santa isn’t real, just do all the fun bits and then explain as above if asked head on.

I remember asking my mum if Santa was God’s helper (clearly getting confused with all the theology lol) and I distinctly remember her pausing and saying “yes”. I was 7 and she definitely could have taken that as a moment to maybe add a little realism

@JudesBiggestFan yes people are weird. OP I’m sorry that your safe space has been filled with people thinking your ruining children’s childhood and taking away magic of Christmas. Christmas is a magic time with or without Father Christmas.
We are also going to be non committal. I’m not going to say anything about it but if I’m asked I won’t lie. I found it hard to navigate the eight people who asked DC “what did Father Christmas get you?” Last year. They were going then, and much more knowing this year so I don’t know what I will do. Last year I answered for them “mummy and daddy got you a xxx and granny and grandpa got you a xxx”

I too am baffled at the sheer investment that goes into creating 'Santa'/'FC' with the aim of eliciting genuine belief. I grew up with a very low-key version of it, with the basics adhered to (presents appearing overnight/putting out a mince pie and glass of sherry) but with no investment in or emphasis on 'believing'. I knew from probably about 4 that it was my father, not because anyone had told me, and there was no talk of presents only being for the believing. I also don't remember it being a hugely hot topic at school. I do it in a very similar way with my children. I'm not sure any of them ever really believed as such - we are in a different country where 'Christmas' is on the 24th (the presents appear under the tree in the afternoon, ostensibly brought by FC for Protestants and the Christ Child for Catholics, and I have no sense that any child here sees it as anything other than a lovely game) and do Christmas on the 25th, so that certainly contributes to there always having been an awareness that it's just a nice tradition. I think the febrile investment in 'belief' I see on here is a little unhinged sometimes and has the potential to be quite harmful in some instances.

Imaginary play is a big part of most children's internal landscapes (neurodiversity notwithstanding). They are generally perfectly competent at entering into imaginary worlds, and getting great joy from them, then leaving them behind. It's a strange and ironically enough rather joyless fallacy to believe it'll only be 'magical' if children are actually convinced that Santa is real.

Well, we did the whole santa thing. Specifically cos I missed out on it as a child.
But never as a threat. Never as a "if you don't Do x he won't come". Stocking pressies only. Harmless fun is what I call it. My childhood lacked fun.

We didn’t tell ours ‘Santa isn’t real’ in those words but we always made it clear that mummy and daddy (and other family members) had bought their gifts. So when we were opening we always read the tag and said ‘and this one is from nanny and granddad, and this one is from auntie Michelle, this one is from mummy and daddy.’ So they never had any real notion of Santa as a ‘thing’ and when they saw films with Santa they just thought he was a film character the same as the grinch - fun but not real.

I always told my kids the truth about Santa, and kept the focus on family instead - doing festive things together and buying/making things for each other. We also said that everyone’s pretending, and it’s best to go along with the pretending rather than go around saying it’s a lie. Just like a film isn’t real, because everyone is acting, but we have no need to point that out while watching it. So they didn’t go around declaring to other kids that Santa was a lie.

It hasn’t ruined Christmas for my DC at all - in fact they love Christmas, even now as teenagers and young adults. I think they haven’t needed to “grow out” of Christmas like some DC do when it’s all based on Santa and elves.

It’s never a discussion that goes down well on here though… some parents have Very Strong Opinions about every other parent needing to confirm Santa, even when it flies in the face of their culture, religious faith, or ethics.
I’ve never lambasted other posters for telling their kids Santa is real - it’s up to them and none of my business. But every thread like this gets drowned in “how dare you…” messages.

However Christmas is still a wonderful time for us. We love decorating the house, visiting family members, exchanging gifts, and enjoying time off from work to be together.

@turnthebiglightoff

It's sad that your parents treated you that way but why do your kids have to suffer as a result of it? They've long enough to be cynical and know about the real world. Crikey at 2.5 they don't even understand what Christmas is, why ruin it before the magics even started?!

I really don’t think Christmas is ‘ruined’ by not doing Santa - or if it is maybe it depends how you do Christmas. A wonderful time to enjoy family and the winter season, listen to Christmas music and eat lovely food, tot up the year and look to the new year. I think Christmas is a lovely end of the year with or without Santa.