Telling DC Father Christmas is not real (a safe space)

[nc1985]

Anyone else gone down this route, or are planning to go down this route, with their DC?

DH and I have decided not to play along with telling our 4yo and 2.5yo that Santa exists/brings the presents at Christmas.

Our 4yo understands mermaids and unicorns, for example, are pretend and that doesn't stop her enjoying playing with them, wearing unicorn-themed costumes etc. We think the same principle will apply with Christmas, that is our DC will enjoy the "magic" of Christmas without buying in to the whole story as fact.

I just wanted a safe place to chat with other mums who are thinking similar to us. Are you out there?

Not prepared to get flamed Go easy on me if you don't side with my opinion on Father Christmas/Santa.

It's sad that your parents treated you that way but why do your kids have to suffer as a result of it? They've long enough to be cynical and know about the real world. Crikey at 2.5 they don't even understand what Christmas is, why ruin it before the magics even started?!

@turnthebiglightoff

It's sad that your parents treated you that way but why do your kids have to suffer as a result of it? They've long enough to be cynical and know about the real world. Crikey at 2.5 they don't even understand what Christmas is, why ruin it before the magics even started?!

What makes you think my children are suffering?

Why do grown adults get so upset when a parent or any other adult tells a child Santa isn't real? I genuinely do not understand this

I really don't know why people do this. It's such a special day for children- do you not have happy memories of christmas as a child? One of my favourite photographs of my boys is them both in the fireplace shouting up the chimney 'thank you' to Father Christmas. It was their one time to write a list of absolutely anything they might want and if they were lucky they might get something off the list, or Father Christmas might get them something else he thought they might like (piglets etc were never going to happen!). It's a great insight in to their characters - they often included things for other people/the dog. I still get them to write a Santa list now - they're teens - it's handy as they tend to write down prices and places to purchase - although I've never said he's not real, and they never expect to get everything from their lists!

Good lord, people are weird about Santa on here, and in real life. I've come to the conclusion 'the magic' is purely for the adults, not the kids! I did actually believe myself until late on and I distinctly remember my mom breaking it to me that he wasn't real after I'd spent all day swearing he was in the playground. I was in year 6. I vividly remember feeling crushed. Beyond a certain age intelligent children naturally question and that's when I have a problem...when it tips over into outright deceit/story telling to keep kids believing a weird lie! At that stage it doesnt benefit the child a jot. I've done the whole Santa thing with my kids but as soon as they start to question I just tell them. The 12 year old and the 9 year old don't tell my four year old cos they understand it's a bit of fun. But they both stopped believing around 6/7. They still love Christmas!

It's sad that your parents treated you that way but why do your kids have to suffer as a result of it?

Surely you can't be serious😂 because the OP wanfs to tell her kids Santa isn't real her kids are going to suffer?? Someone pls explain the need for such dramatic comments?

Can you guarantee your dd won't tell them when she's told it's not real? It won't go down well if she does!

So what? Why do kids need to believe in Santa Claus so badly, I really do think I'm missing something here

OP my parents did as you plan to, and since I can recall I never believed in Santa... yet somehow (1) still absolutely adored Christmas and felt it was a magical time, and (b) managed to not ruin it for believer-classmates/friends. If people can raise their children to respect others of different religions and non religions, surely they can do the same for this. I’d like to know if Christians worry nearly as much about other kids telling their children ‘God doesn’t exist’ and ruining the whole thing for them.

I'm not a Christian, but I have family members who are, and their kids are frequently told by other kids that God doesn't exist. They really aren't bothered by it.

@TheEncouragingStranger Very interesting (not sarcastic).

I don’t think you telling your kids Santa isn’t real will stop other kids believing if they want to. My 8 year old nephew told my kids Santa is not real, my 5 year old listed all the reasons he couldn’t possibly be real, and then immediate said so he must be magic….

I also am a purposefully lax Santa (we use the same wrapping paper etc) and if they asked directly won’t lie. So when they do realise it isn’t a shock…

I also don’t agree with the using Santa for behaviour management. When my eldest was 3 she would not even walk past “Santa” at the shops because someone at daycare told her he’d know if she’s been bad. She was worried he’d be mad at her because sometimes she hits her little sister (which honestly she didn’t do much, but unsurprisingly did get in trouble for).

I didn’t discover until after Christmas, luckily I had gone a bit nuts that year and could point to how many presents Santa gave her so she must be a good kid (she is a good kid, my best behaved kid actually).

I honestly think OPs parents are the worst for the potato thing. My girls would never ever get over that. No wonder OP has such mixed feelings about it all.

I can still remember looking out of my bedroom window on Xmas eve when I was a kid .. hoping to see father Christmas in the sky... I loved going to the department store to see father Christmas.. and I loved believing it was real. .. please don't take that magic away from your kids

I also knew that the presents he brought were from parents and relatives, I knew he didn't buy them. That's what my parents always told me. I remember watching my mum wrapping presents from us to my grandma and it would be left on the table that evening and be gone by the morning (the elves worked very hard in December collecting up all the gifts) and on Christmas day that present would be under the tree too

I was raised knowing there was no such thing as father christmas, and it's always been my favourite, most magic time of year. I was raised not to tell other children, and as I grew older felt sorry for kids who were fed some really far fetched stories so their parents could keep the magic alive for themselves.

I intend to raise my little one the same, and won't be telling him father Christmas is real. I do however talk about st Nicholas and have started many christmas traditions around showing kindness, and spending time with loved ones. I don't need to tell him about an imaginary man giving out toys for that to happen. I don't tell him there's a tooth fairy, easter bunny or that unicorns are real either.

It often surprises me how many parents are so invested in maintaining the santa illusion and feel such vitriol towards those who choose not to.

The world is full of magic just as it is, no need to rely on a myth.

What’s the matter with you?

nc1985

I think my parents trotted out the line "if you don't behave then Santa won't bring you any presents" quite a lot. I once got a sack of potatoes one year because I was being naughty apparently. A few days later I got my Christmas presents but I remember being absolutely crushed about the potatoes from Santa. As a parent myself now, I think it was incredibly weak parenting from my parents to trot out the Santa line to keep your children "well behaved". That's just not how I roll.“

So, your parents destroyed the magic of Christmas for you. That’s horrible and I am sorry.

You’re proposing to do precisely the same to yours though, whatever your motivation/intention.

Please, don’t. You need to move on and not burden your own children with your traumatic childhood. Christmas magic is a lovely thing. It won’t last forever. Let them enjoy it while they can: you may even get caught up in it too and replace your past, horrid memories with lovely new ones.

My mum did this. As soon as I went to school and went through the first Christmas there, I believed in Santa. I suspect because I wanted to.

I don’t pretend Santa is real, children still enjoy Christmas....they get presents what’s not to like?! I don’t remember ever believing in Santa as a child I still really enjoyed Christmas! I can’t be bothered with the utter rubbish my child will be told at nursery or the constant what’s Santa bringing you from well meaning strangers. It’s just so over the top, when you start leaving mince pie crumbs and pretend Santa footsteps. Any child with any savvy is going to realise that Santa could never drink all the drams left out for him and still drive a sleigh😂 or go down a chimney after a few million mince pies!

We've never done Santa here. We played the night before Christmas/Santa game & they know that the stockings are from us. We explained that lots of people play the game too; all families slightly differently & some take it very seriously!

They did roll their eyes a bit around 5-7 when someone at the checkout would say "have you been good for Santa" but I hate all that behavioural control via Christmas thing anyway.

They love Christmas & think stockings are the best part

’a safe space’ crikey I’ve heard it all now

I'm not a Christian, but I have family members who are, and their kids are frequently told by other kids that God doesn't exist. They really aren't bothered by it.

I think that's the main thrust of it - from both perspectives. If Christian parents share their belief with their children that God exists, but then also fervently claim to believe in Santa, that's going to just confuse the child as to what personal belief and conviction (not to mention honesty and integrity) actually means, regardless of what faith/belief choices they make for themselves in later life.

Their parents insist that they completely believe in two omniscient men, omnipresent, miracle-working, who are as old as time (and commonly depicted with a long white beard), both associated with carpenters/carpentry in a big way, both live up in the north, both know if you've been good or bad and both want you to behave in a way that shows you want to please them. Then, eventually, those same parents admit to their children that one of those beliefs was just a fantasy but the other is nevertheless still a devout conviction.

We always told our DS that Santa was a character - like Peppa Pig or Thomas the Tank Engine etc. - about whom people made up fun stories, but we personally didn't believe he was actually real; HOWEVER, we made sure he knew that many (most?) children DID/DO believe that Santa is a real person/being - and it most certainly isn't up to us to tell other people that the objects of their beliefs are not real or that they should not believe in them.

He seems to have turned out just fine - enjoys Christmas very much as a really exciting, special time and has never for a moment tried to disabuse any other child of their belief, as they of course have every right to hold, that Santa is real.

Even aside of any religiously-motivated considerations, I know it's considered complete nasty-old-stick-in-the-mud territory, but I also hold with the 'it is actually a lie' perspective. I don't necessarily have an issue if parents tell very young children about Santa - just like they read them stories - and don't explicitly tell them that any of them are or aren't factually/historically true stories (not that young children really understand the difference anyway); but for me, the real turning point comes if, when children are older and they outright ask if Santa is real or not, instead of replying "No, he isn't real - it's just a fun children's story, but don't spoil it for anybody else", parents continue to insist that he is real and, in so doing, (imho) show a lack of respect and disregard for their children's developing reasoning skills, as well as demonstrating outright dishonesty and presenting it as truth - technically (albeit with the best, kindest motives) gaslighting them!

I've not read all the replies, but we've never done Santa. DS7 has always filled the stockings with us on Christmas Eve. The presents are wrapped and we only have five in the stocking (fruit, chocolate, small toy, book, socks). He's still talks about Santa being real and not real. It's not lost any magic for him. We just don't talk about Santa being real and he knows what others believe and plays along for their sakes.

I think you are turning Santa into more of a thing, than it is. My kids are 11 and 17. Both are aware that santander isn't real and are not traumatised by it.

But when they were younger I would never partake in 'naughty children get no/less presents'. The kids have always been aware the presents come from the parents or grandparents etc. 1 gift always came from Santa.

I never wanted my kids to think they hadn't been good enough or that other kids hadn't if they got less. When they asked I just told them some people believe he is real, some people think of him as the magic of Christmas. I always made it clear that if you don't believe Santa is a real person and other people do, you shouldn't ever tell them he isn't because that could upset a child and is not a nice thing to do.

They have cousins who still believe and have never told them otherwise. Or, as far as I know, told other kids.

In their own time, they realised he wasn't a real person and were completely fine with it. But they still like to put a baileys and cookies out on Christmas eve and reindeer food. And a key for Santa (we dont have a chimney).

Its still a tradition. I still make it look likes it been eaten/drank and they roll their eyes on Christmas morning when I point out the food/drink is gone. Its all good fun and they love it.

Op, in my opinion what your parents did was abuse. I think you feel the need to tell your child, explicitly, that he isn't real because you don't want a traumatic event like what happened to you, to happen to them. Who watches their child's heartbreak and disappointment all Christmas day and for a few days after? Who wants to inflict that upset onto a child and tell them they aren't good enough. The people who do this are abusers and there's likely lots of similar events in your childhood.

But your child won't go through, because you wouldn't do that sort of thing to them. If you did, wether your child believes in Santa or not, they would still feel similar to you. But you aren't going to do that either.

Your parents were mean OP. I bet you're a much better mum and that your kids will be happier than you were, no matter what you do or don't do around Santa

Life is generally so bleak, especially just now. Let the have some magic for a few years OP.

I think the magic of Christmas and the belief in Santa is really lovely. I actively do stuff to make my kids believe now they are at an age when they are questioning things.

That said, I can’t stand the naughty and nice list concept and I can’t stand the threats about behaviour. I’ve told them that I’m pretty sure Santa doesn’t bring coal to naughty kids, that’s a myth that parents and teachers make up to get kids to behave. I’ve backed this up with the ‘proof’ that my brother was really naughty growing up and he never got coal.

Santander isn’t real!

Well that’s Rui Ed my Christmas, Someone needs to tell Ant’n’Dec!