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Christmas

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Original poster

Telling DC Father Christmas is not real (a safe space)

374 replies

nc1985 · 08/11/2021 22:58

Anyone else gone down this route, or are planning to go down this route, with their DC?

DH and I have decided not to play along with telling our 4yo and 2.5yo that Santa exists/brings the presents at Christmas.

Our 4yo understands mermaids and unicorns, for example, are pretend and that doesn't stop her enjoying playing with them, wearing unicorn-themed costumes etc. We think the same principle will apply with Christmas, that is our DC will enjoy the "magic" of Christmas without buying in to the whole story as fact.

I just wanted a safe place to chat with other mums who are thinking similar to us. Are you out there?

Not prepared to get flamed Go easy on me if you don't side with my opinion on Father Christmas/Santa.

OP posts:

thegreylady · 10/11/2021 11:04

As soon as mine were old enough to ask I told them that Santa was a way for children to understand the magic of Christmas. We talked about the special feeling in the air, the lights, music, small sand sense of anticipation. I explained that now they were old enough to help younger children share that magic.
When my granddaughter was about 9 she asked her dad and when he explained she said, ”So it was all a sort of lie?” Without giving him a chance to reply she said, “It was a lovely lie and I will tell my children if I have them.”

MadAntonia · 10/11/2021 11:05

The whole ‘Santa’ thing is pretty toxic.

Women make Christmas, insofar as, often, we do most of the work (including the buying and wrapping of presents). We’re then expected to hand over credit to an imaginary man.

There are plenty of other ways to enhance the magic of the holiday.

Do what you feel is right for your family, OP.

Owlmeow · 10/11/2021 11:16

@MadAntonia

The whole ‘Santa’ thing is pretty toxic.

Women make Christmas, insofar as, often, we do most of the work (including the buying and wrapping of presents). We’re then expected to hand over credit to an imaginary man.

There are plenty of other ways to enhance the magic of the holiday.

Do what you feel is right for your family, OP.

Perhaps you do, many parents share planning and prep- perhaps the issue is that rather than santa in your house.

00100001 · 10/11/2021 11:20

@User527294627

You are right, it really isn't a big deal. DS was raised knowing about FC and he chose to believe, I never ever confirmed the lie. I asked him what he thought etc.

I just find it bizarre that people get so worked up about keeping the lie up and claiming their kids Christmas will be completely ruined because of a 5yo... rather than acknowledging that the lie they're telling their kids is the "issue" and accepting that they must deal with the fallout of that. And can deal with the truth fairly easily. It's odd that adults are essentially blaming kids for the lies adults tell 🤷

MadAntonia · 10/11/2021 11:35

Perhaps you do, many parents share planning and prep- perhaps the issue is that rather than santa in your house.

I take your point. My POV is definitely influenced by what took place at home, growing up.

And I must admit - the whole Santa thing was hella exciting

Maybe if Santa’s good lady got more of a mention...

Kanaloa · 10/11/2021 12:11

@thegreylady

As soon as mine were old enough to ask I told them that Santa was a way for children to understand the magic of Christmas. We talked about the special feeling in the air, the lights, music, small sand sense of anticipation. I explained that now they were old enough to help younger children share that magic. When my granddaughter was about 9 she asked her dad and when he explained she said, ”So it was all a sort of lie?” Without giving him a chance to reply she said, “It was a lovely lie and I will tell my children if I have them.”

Really? This child immediately confirmed that she would continue the magic tradition of Santa without being asked? And even thought to add ‘if I have them’ to account for all the adult possibilities of not having children? How convenient and unusual for a 9 year old.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 10/11/2021 12:54

Maybe if Santa’s good lady got more of a mention...

Maybe her full name is Subordinate Claus?

User527294627 · 10/11/2021 13:15

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Maybe if Santa’s good lady got more of a mention...

Maybe her full name is Subordinate Claus?

This is a beautiful joke

MadAntonia · 10/11/2021 15:00

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Maybe if Santa’s good lady got more of a mention...

Maybe her full name is Subordinate Claus?

lol!! 😋

MarshaBradyo · 10/11/2021 15:08

You don’t have to do the you must behave line, we don’t.

We do a bit of excitement around leaving carrot / milk / biscuit etc and stocking which three year old loves

Would you do any of that (stocking?) I’m guessing not

LesLavandes · 10/11/2021 15:11

The problem is that your children may spoil the magic for other children and families

NavigatingAdolescence · 10/11/2021 15:18

As has been covered in the thread already, it is perverse that the lie you tell your children should be thought of as more valuable than the truth they will all eventually discover.

Charliebradbury · 10/11/2021 16:11

How many people actually remember finding out that santa isn't real... I don't. I know I did believe and I remember the excitement and then I remember helping put the presents under the tree so logically at some point I found out but I don't remember it. So it hasn't had any lasting impact on my memories of Christmas. So the lie of santa isn't damaging on the whole I imagine.
I would say that I do find it kind of sad that you don't seem to want your kids to believe in any sort of magic. My dd loves unicorns, and fairies, she went through a stage of leaving presents out for fairies. She also loves the tooth fairy and santa. For a child half the fun is the magic and mystery of it all. Life is long and boring for the most of it so maybe let them live with some magic for awhile.
Your parents were shit and mainly whether you do santa or not I hope you are getting some sort of help to address your childhood as it sounds toxic as hell.

NellieBertram · 10/11/2021 16:28

@LesLavandes

The problem is that your children may spoil the magic for other children and families

This really isn't an issue. Different families believe different things and not everyone does Santa.

"Mummy, Jimmy at school says Santa isn't real"
Then you just tell your kid whatever it is you feel comfortable going with - the truth, the lie, "people believe different things" etc etc

DicklessWonder · 10/11/2021 16:29

I do. I was 6. I wanted a specific thing in a particular colour and a short while before my mum asked if it was okay if Santa could only get it in a different colour. Guess what arrived on Xmas morning…….

She saw the penny drop, dragged me into another room and demanded that I not tell my little sister the truth. I hated lying and was forced to lie for another 5-6 years before my princess of a sister was allowed to know the truth. I absolutely hated it. It (along with some other stuff) affected my relationship with my mother and Xmas. It’s one of the reasons DD is an only child and it’s why we avoid many of the Xmas traditions.

thegreylady · 11/11/2021 13:40

Kanaloa she has just finished a psychology degree and still remembers. She has grown up in Turkey and Santa was a connection between where she lived and her English side. She was told about the Bishop of Myra etc. Don’t be so quick to sneer please. I don’t lie.

muldersspeedos · 11/11/2021 14:12

Excuse me, but he IS real. We need all the magic we can get in this world of ours.

mamatoTails · 11/11/2021 15:42

We've always said Father Christmas does different things for different families. Some have him buy gifts, make them at his workshop etc and deliver them. Some say he just brings a stocking of gifts. But our family buy the gifts and get them sent to the North Pole. Father Christmas then decides if he'll deliver them, depending on if they make it onto the nice list or not!

Our eldest is 13 and always enjoyed it this way. Now he knows FC doesn't exist but plays along brilliantly for his little sisters. Christmas is a time of joy, why would you not want your child to join in?

NavigatingAdolescence · 11/11/2021 16:27

@muldersspeedos

Excuse me, but he IS real. We need all the magic we can get in this world of ours.

I for one won’t excuse you. You don’t get to decide what is and isn’t magic - we have plenty without needing to do what the majority for, thanks.

MasterBeth · 11/11/2021 16:32

Santa isn't real but Jesus is. Sure.

00100001 · 11/11/2021 16:34

@muldersspeedos

Excuse me, but he IS real. We need all the magic we can get in this world of ours.

He exists. But he isn't real.

BrunoJenkins · 11/11/2021 16:42

I haven't RTFT but yes we are planning to do this with our DC (although they're currently too young for it to be relevant).

I don't see the issue with children "spoiling it" for others by saying Santa doesn't exist. Sure it's no different than an atheist child telling a Christian one that god doesn't exist. That must happen all the time and it doesn't stop the Christians from believing.

Squirrelblanket · 11/11/2021 16:45

I always find this hard to explain, but we did Santa while also not being encouraged to believe he was actually real. So we did all the 'being good for Santa' and leaving out the mince pies and sherry etc, but we knew it was Mum who did it all. I clearly remember joking about how I was going to creep down the stairs and see her eating the mince pie instead and we all giggled about it. The bit that's hard to explain is that it was a lovely, sweet tradition that felt like something we all shared and took part in. I remember my Christmas's feeling really magical and as an adult I am the one of the most Christmas-enthusiastic people you could meet.

However when I mention this it's usually met with horror like we were horribly mistreated.

Telling people at school was never an issue because I just assumed everyone was the same as us (like you do as a kid). So when Santa was discussed I just assumed we were all in on the same 'joke'.

I was genuinely shocked as an adult to find out that people actually believed in Santa when they were kids.

Anyway very long but basically I think whatever you decide is fine but I just wanted to point out that not believing Santa is real does not equal: horrible childhood.

Cherryrainbow · 11/11/2021 16:51

@Squirrelblanket I think my family was the same, very kind of nudge nudge wink wink so the little kids enjoyed it we were all in on it. even now me and mum say to each other so what do want from santa? Wink, When we want ideas of what to buy each other. And I'm a big xmas fan too lol

Drinkingallthewine · 11/11/2021 17:17

The problem is that your children may spoil the magic for other children and families

Och there's a way to explain that if you want to preserve the belief:
Santa only comes to people who believe. There are some people, some religions that don't believe. So they celebrate Christmas in a different way or maybe even have a different celebration at a different time of year entirely.
So, because Santa only comes to those who believe, he comes to our house.

DS asked if Santa is linked to behaviour - I said no. That he's not going to not come because he didn't eat his broccoli, but he may not come if a child is really wicked - like deliberately hurting another child or animal.

Anyway. The magic of Santa is only a very small part of Christmas so that when it fades, there's plenty more fun and anticipation and family time to enjoy so it's not much of a loss. If you build your entire Christmas around Santa then yes, it'll all go to shit when the kids find out.

So for me, I plan on explaining when I get asked THAT question by DS in the next couple of years that Santa is more of a concept. That he represents the spirit of Christmas - giving, kindness, love, togetherness, family, harmony, peace to mankind and that it's a way to teach young children those things. Or something like that - not got it finely honed just yet!

And for those who say that it's unchristian to teach children religion and to believe in Santa, well you better have a word with our wonderful parish Priest who gets a phone call from Santa at the end of Christmas Eve mass telling him to remind all the kids to go to bed on time and that he's just leaving the house now. The little ripple of excitement in the congregation is lovely!

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