Poncetastic Christmas 2018

[VivaJen]

I know we have the "Any Ponces Around?" thread but in honour of Fellatio Nelson here is the 2018 Poncetastic Thread.

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you".

I've made damson gin and just watched Jamie's Italian Christmas. Very inspired by his Christmas cracker shaped ravioli - how poncetatstic a starter would that make!

Someone mentioned hassleback potatoes... to get the cuts right, place the potato in a wooden spoon and then as you make the cuts, there is enough height on the sides of the spoon to stop you going all the way through. Top Nigella tip [santa]

I'm finding it interesting that I've been on every poncetastic thread for the last five (at least) years and this is the first year we've had people piling in en masse questioning the terminology. How very woke MN has become.

Anyhoo. Christmas poncing is beginning in earnest this week; I'm making chilli jam and DH's advent calendar. He just unpacked the shopping and was questioning why we had quite so much pesto (answer: it's 90p a jar, pesto will freeze and they're a great size for the jam). I've ordered a load of small hessian bags which I will print dates on and string up filled with little bits and pieces for DH's calendar. So far I've got some small bags of flavoured nuts and a variety pack of mini bags of pork scratchings, I'm intending to get some other bits and pieces like nail clippers (he loses them constantly), some nice soap, a stress ball, mini aftershaves, cufflinks etc. And obviously a mini Lindt reindeer or two!

I'm currently debating when to make the cake. I made the GH tropical cake last year and it was an expensive, time consuming, terrible mistake. So I'll go back to trustworthy Delia again, I think. I'm also having an internal debate about the ivy in our garden - it desperately needs trimming back, but is also growing outwards which makes it perfect for wreaths. The dilemma!

I may be foiled in all my plans. We're hoping to move before Christmas...!

Aha ! I am now officially in the throes of the 2018 Christmas Ponce ! Whilst at an Apple Day locally , I got persuaded to buy about 2kg of quinces , so am minded to be making either jars of quince jelly , or quince and orange marmalade , but am as yet undecided . Christmas cake is going to be the old faithful version . Last year I tinkered with it and it was protested against , so back to the original I think . Give it another month though .

Quince jelly is delicious Plomino. I would certainly be happy if I got some for Christmas :)

My best friend has just sent me an email annoucing she’s coming to stay for a weekend so we can make bacon jam. (Her husband is a vegan) I’m definitely going to need more jars!

I haven't seen any quinces to buy but in honor of this thread I have bought some paste imported from Germany, I have also ordered a lot of German gingerbread while I am at it as I couldn't find any until Jan last year.

Shamelessly placemarking.

Wilko do jars at a reasonable price if you need more!

I also love using a pesto jar for homemade jams. The Waitrose pesto jar is great as it has a smart black or silver lid with no text, the labels come off easily and the jars are the perfect size.

Crab apple and rosemary jelly made today - it is a beautifully festive crimson colour.

Chilli jam done.

Christmas cake is next on the list....

I am attempting to gather the ingredients for mincemeat, I have substituted pumpkin spice for all spice and swapped suet for butter at present. Drawn a blank on candied peel, may need to skip, and a cooking apple, may need to be a Granny Smith but I am determined.

Delia's Mincemeat recipe...

So just a query about when you actually put it in to jars... You sterilise the jars and then as the mincemeat is cold at this point, do you wait for the sterilised jars to cool before you put the mincemeat in? Or do you put it into hot jars?

Hello fellow poncers! Today I made blackberry vodka and plum chutney for the hampers we send every year to family and friends. Slightly concerned that the chutney's a bit hot and will become overpoweringly spicy by Christmas. Anyone had this problem before?

A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

Fuck me. Did you mean to be so offensive?

Cold mincemeat into cold jars is how I do it, it’s a really great mincemeat. I add more apple thAn the recipe as we get loads given to us this time of year from neighbours.

Thanks Carrie - that's what I did, so good to know! It smelt amazing!

I am going to be a lurker, I just don’t find sleep deprived parenting conducive to poncing, plus we fly to Australia Christmas Eve.
However, those 3d snowflakes look amazing, and I’m agog at gin baubles. We have a family get together in Ireland in Oct and I was going to give my sis in the us sloe gin, wondering if I should switch!

If I were organised for our holiday I would pre make the bacon salt so we could make typhus maple bacon popcorn fromthelarder.co.uk/recipe/buttered-maple-and-bacon-salt-popcorn/

Jesus. this maple bacon popcorn. I don’t think anyone wants typhus popcorn . Although it might distract from the fact I’m purely sharing aspirations which will not be achieved.

Living my best life tonight... 😁

I've ordered traditional wrapping paper think vintage santa and old fashioned Xmas scenes with matching red bows. Last year I was up at 3am.xmas Eve wrapping the kids gifts, this year I'm doing it bit by bit and hiding all.gifts under my bed. I'm looking forward to doing my famous (in our family) gammon and stuffing. I add marmalade to the stuffing and chestnuts and it's wonderful. Even though we are having a more frugal Xmas this year I'm still excited and want to be quality over quantity

Well the quince jelly has been made .. looks rather lovely if I say so myself but my god I thought I was going to have to take a meat cleaver to some of the fruit to get it chopped up ! It’s currently sitting on a shelf in my pantry making me smile every time I go in there for baked beans .

This might be old news as I'm a total newb but I'm planning to use origami paper in red, silver and poss gold for making paper snowflakes, as origami paper is white on one side, think it'll look ace.

@saffyBoo can you share the recipe for the gammon and stuffing with marmalade and chestnuts? It sounds lovely.

Inspired by GBBO last week I want to make a Christmas cracker chandelier and the three grandchildren can pull them down and give them out .I always have lots of crackers , I bought 36 of these from eBay .
Any ideas how to do it ? oh pontastic people ?

Ah I lost you all

I realised that my cat scratched grey footstool wasn't going to scream Xmas magic so I have recovered the base in plaid patchwork, which should blend nicely and not be the first thing anyone notices in the family room.
I am going to attempt mincemeat tomorrow.