Poncetastic Christmas 2018

[VivaJen]

I know we have the "Any Ponces Around?" thread but in honour of Fellatio Nelson here is the 2018 Poncetastic Thread.

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you".

Ah, AlwaysPottering, I just had three delivered that were £15 each!

Oh and I often use some pyracantha in my wreath as it has lovely berries (and we don't have any holly). Also spotted laurel - aucuba- has big variegated leaves that are useful for covering the base of the wreath, and has berries too.

I have a fondness for rosemary and bay (and overgrown bushes of both) in my wreath. And lots of pine.

Would dried oranges be an option?

I love twists of birch twigs which litter my driveway this time of year.

I decided that as I am in the US I should look at US traditions. This wasn't a good idea. I now feel the overwhelming need for a vintage punch bowl in which to float iced cranberries and punch.

@sproutsplease the US really do have some amazing Christmas stuff! A vintage punch bowl would be tres poncetastic!

What does everyone do for gift wrap?

I don't have any 'believers' left so I'm thinking of more elaborate wrapping than in previous years.

Previously: everyone had their own colour/design of wrapping paper and stocking gifts were wrapped in different colours of tissue paper. Gifts that went under the tree for extended family or between DH and I were wrapped completely differently from the DC's gifts and were labelled.

I have got about 3/4 rolls of red and white paper left from last year and I think I'd like to get some plain white paper and red ribbon/twine to contrast. I will have to label them carefully but think they will look lovely under the tree.

I use red tartan Costco wrapping. Lovely and thick. Wrapped up with twine. Not very poncy but I do gift tags made out of gingerbread with the names stamped in so I hope that tips the balance.

HEIGhtstiAeR Rather than frog your stocking you can cut your floats and tie them to another nearby float. Won’t look as pretty from the inside but if you go for a lining you’ll never see it.
Top tip that lining! My two have hand knitted stockings and whilst I am careful about placing presents in and now snagging the floats. They are less careful and it makes me twitch on Christmas morning!
K

Yes to all the ponce! I'm a beginner poncer. Noted down ideas for DH advent calendar and DC too. I know what I'm putting in mine.. chocs and scented candles

I would really like to try a poncy ham this year. Is it as simple as cook a leg in a pan of hot water? Where can the leg be purchased? Is there a good recipe online?

I had homemade ham once at a vicar's house and it was amazing and poncetastic!

Rednaxela I parboil my ham and then finish it off in the oven.

I soak my ham covered in cold water for an hour or so. Drain the water and cover again in cold water. Bring to the boil and cook on a low boil for about 30 minutes less than the recommended cooking time. (Recommended cooking times are 20-25 minutes per 450g from memory). If you buy a ham from the supermarket then it will most likely be plastic wrapped and will have cooking times with it. It may also have an additional piece of plastic wrap around the sides of the meat. I remove this before I cook it.

Drain and pat dry with kitchen paper. Cut off any thick yellow fat but leave a decent covering of white fat. Score this in a crisscross pattern and stud with cloves. Cover with a paste made from dark brown sugar mixed with a bit of mustard powder and a splash of orange juice (just enough to make a paste). Cook in the oven for the last 30 minutes in a roasting pan lined with foil. Check halfway through and cover with foil if it is browning too quickly.

@Rednaxela how many are you cooking for? A whole leg might be a bit much (although for true poncetastic points you could get the black ham that Delia recommended, I looked at that a couple of years ago, it was eye-wateringly expensive!)

I normally get mince from M&S or local butcher, if you get from a butcher check how much soaking is required. I cook mine pretty much as Woolly described but I use Gordon Ramsay's Maple & Mustard glaze. Soooo yummy!

@TheWoollybacksWife

Thank you!

So.. M and S have it? What is it called? I've never seen anything that's called ham in the raw meat area.

@VivaJen Er... me DH and 1 toddler.. it can be kept for sandwiches though?!

In its raw state it's called gammon . Everywhere does it - I get mine from Morrison's . I'm dithering between
doing mine in coke , or doing the full Nigella Christmas version in apple juice and stuff

Ham keeps for ages. It is a great to have over Xmas. I have usually done marmalade or treacle glazes but due to supply issues I will need to do something else.

@plominoagain Gammon.. like the salty preformed stuff that comes in slices?

I'll do a recce to M&S later this wk and see what I can find!

Yes that's it . You can get most of the salt out of it though by soaking it beforehand , easy

[]HEIGhtstiAeR[/]

You could always do microwave fudge which uses chocolate and condensed milk. Ive done kinder bueno and malteaser fudge this way and know there's loads on pinterest. Dead easy and no candy thermometer needed.

I indulged myself in a home store over the weekend, and got various bits:
Large-diameter nightlights, to fit my larger glass candle holders for the Christmas table
A mistletoe "wreath"/garland - to cut the "bunches" off, to use in my own garland when I buy the base for it (I've taken inspiration from someone called Robeson Design on YouTube, on how she does her garlands)
A couple of other flower "picks" to add to a garland - or else to make a dried flower arrangement/add to the tree, if I don't get time to ponce a garland properly
And a set of red and gold glass "trees" placemarkers - for my Christmas table. It's a set of 6 and there's only going to be 3 of us, but I think they will look nice!

See block printed scarves, photo not great poor weather and bad lighting!

Scarves look lovely.
I have ordered a vintage glass punch bowl set, it is carnival glass green and should look very poncetastic. DH rolled eyes slightly, pointing out we could just use a large bowl but agreed to would look nice.

@HairsprayBabe the scarves look fab!

@acivilcontract post a picture of your punch bowl - sounds awesomely poncetastic!

I got some lovely vintage-inspired wrapping in January but I’m not sure how to trim it. I have a love affair with ribbons but I think for vintage patterns something like a foil rosette

Posted too soon!
I think a foil loopy rosette or that shiny plasticky florist ribbon looks more authentically 70s/80s than a fabric ribbon. Maybe a thick velvet ribbon would work?

Ahhh! Did it again!
I would like to be at least nodding in the direction of ecological responsibility. So I really don’t want to use plastic or foil.

@Alanamackree post a picture of the paper