Poncetastic Christmas 2018

[VivaJen]

I know we have the "Any Ponces Around?" thread but in honour of Fellatio Nelson here is the 2018 Poncetastic Thread.

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you".

Never heard of that! Could u post the recipe ms marples?

I just use the leftover sloes from the gin, weigh them, and match weight with the jam sugar.

Boil until it reaches 'jam' 104C on my sugar thermometer.

Push the mixture through survey into sterilised hot jam jars.

Yum, thanks so much!

just found this thread and discovered I am a Christmas ponce but didn't even know!
have made redcurrant gin ( since July ) and spent yesterday sewing felt Christmas decorations for hobby craft twiggy tree.
last year made a tree from twigs I collected from outside but cost £20 for silver spray paint 😂

I tell you what is nice, boozy and easy (dh does it I'm not into boozy much) You get some dried peaches, cherries or what you can get hold of and just soak them in what booze you've got hanging about; white wine, or brandy etc. use a recycled jam jar and keep in the fridge et voila! They make a lovely easy dessert with ice cream .

Of course it doesn't HAVE to be in booze, apple, pear or peach juice is nice too for the LO's.

Where have you people been all my life? This thread just completely took over my afternoon. So many amazing links!

My ponciness this year is all geared towards hosting for the first time. I've always cooked Christmas dinner with my Mum at theirs but this year everyone will be coming to me.

We will be 11 or 12 people. People will arrive around 10am on Christmas Day and I'll serve nibbles: Nigella's mince-pies, Delia's sausage rolls pimped with some grated apple (both already done and in the freezer!) and some sort of vegetarian nibble - maybe cranberry and brie pastry bites. Perhaps I'll do something with smoked salmon too as my sister loves smoked salmon. There'll be clementines in bowls, quality street and other choccies and mulled wine while we open presents :-)

Dinner will be at 1.30pm and will be: Turkey (ordered to be collected from butcher on the 23rd), Gravy (Jamie's make-ahead, already made and in the freezer, ponced up on the day with turkey juices etc), roast potatoes, smashed neep and carrot, maple roast parsnips and brussel sprouts. Going to make ahead red cabbage, cranberry sauce and vegetarian gravy to stash in the freezer. MIL is bringing a veggie main course and DM is bringing desserts - I made the Christmas Puddings at hers last weekend so she is going to bring that and a trifle on the day. Incidentally, top tip for christmas pudding is to steam it, bain marie style, in the oven rather than on the hob. Doesn't steam up the windows that way!

Someone further up the thread was looking for easy starter ideas? I'm going to roast some spiced-up butternut squash cubes on Christmas eve and cool them. I'll mix those with rocket leaves, vacuum packed puy lentils, pomegranate seeds, toasted walnuts and serve with an orange citrus dressing. Simple, assembly-job on Christmas day and it does both the vegetarians and the meat-eaters. If i get round to it I'll do a cheesy pastry star to go with it!

In the evening, if anyone can handle any more food I'll serve a cheese board. Home-made chutneys are already stashed in the pantry: Delia's Spiced Apricot and Orange and Nigella's Chilli Jam. DM will bring her Christmas cake and we will have that too.

I haven't had any opportunity to be poncy with decorations. We've not long moved in to a new house and we've had to do electrics, plastering and now the painters are in. By the time they are done it'll be the 17th December before I can put any decorations up. Still, loved the look of those 3D paper snowflakes so might have to do some of those!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! Keep all the amazing ideas coming, folks. Love it!

I made a hanging bough yesterday- if you'll ignore the tacky elf riding it

I also tested a recipe for cranberry and pistachio stuffing balls- they were nice but didn't make the cut against my usual chestnut stuffing, so won't be making an appearance on the big day

Another top pudding tip. Bain Marie it in the slow cooker 😜

Mine is made and will just need to poo in the slow cooker on the day

Poo 😂😂😂😂😂

Pop in the slow cooker

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Crikey Westmacott you make me feel pleased we're all, 8 of us, actually going out for Christmas dinner on the day! All that work!! I hope you get a couple of good, obedient helpers!!

I will miss my own chestnut stuffing and organic turkey though (it's the only day of the year I eat meat\turkey!)

The only problem with a bain marie for the pudding is that you have to keep opening the oven to check it hasn't dried out. I know it steams up the windows but I love the smell of the pudding steaming!

@ppeatfruit true, the smell of a Christmas pudding is the smell of Christmas!!

I must admit I’m cheating with the stuffing. I’ve done homemade in the past but weirdly everyone has an odd preference for the paxo sage and onion from a box!! It’s my one nod to convenience!!

@MissMarplesKnitting

Snorted aloud at "will just need to poo in the slow cooker on the day".

Made the BBCGoodFood Simmer and Stir Christmas Cake at the weekend, it smelled amazing and was pretty easy.

DM and DD are hosting on the day so I've asked what we can do to help, been asked to do the dessert, which needs to be gluten free. Planning to do a chocolate, hazelnut and cardamom torte, also off of BBCGoodFood. My colleague opposite reckons cardamom is a gamble where children are involved. I reckon if they won't eat it, all the more for the rest of us. I know DS will polish it off. His cousins will surely have buckets of chocolate to eat anyway?

KingLooie It sounds nice, but it is a bit of a grown up spice, I use it a lot I can't say I've noticed it! With a lot of chocolate and hazelnuts , I don't reckon that anyone will notice it (as long as you don't throw half a pot in it!).

Thanks ppeatfruit the cardamom pods we have are probably quite ancient and unlikely to impart a taste explosion. I've just this moment started wondering whether we could grate in some orange zest instead - very festive. Does hazelnut and orange work do we think?

Okay, just searched on-line and seen loads of chocolate, hazelnut and orange recipes so that looks like a go-er. Pity, my DF loves a bit of cardamom. I'm toying with splitting the mix and cooking it in two halves, one with cardamom, one with orange. Will search cupboards and see what the torte dish situation is.

If you take the tiny seeds out of the pods and bash them with a pestle and mortar they will still be tasty. Actually Cardamom AND orange is a traditional flavour , maybe not for the children though!

Planning to half and half it. A bit ambitious perhaps. I found tips on-line. Reckon I'll divide the batter in two before adding cardamom/orange, one half will get orange zest, one half cardamom seeds. Pour into dish at each side simultaneously, they meet in the middle to make a half and half torte, everyone's happy, apart from deciding which half they want a slice of. What could possibly go wrong?

It'll be made ahead so worst case scenario I have an M&S food, a Waitrose and a Cook within a 5 minute walk. We're spoilt.

Thank goodness for Poncetastic Thread, colleague opposite clearly had other things to think about this afternoon. The nerve.

I bought some dark chocolate flavoured with orange and cardamom, my DC plainly hadn't got the memo that is was an adult only flavour and scoffed it. Tell DC it is probably too grown up for them and they will love it.

Mine will scoff it, no probs, his cousins surprise me sometimes with what they won't scoff. I will go for the "too grown up for you, never mind, all the more for us, don't you have a selection box you could gnaw on?" line.

On re reading post it sounds a bit humble brag, I would also like to add that DC also eat chips, chicken nuggets and many other such foods.

Kingloo You made me Lol about your colleague, I had visions of Catherine Tate's sketches in the office! Did you ever see them? Soooo funny!

plaidlife This is a proper braggers thread!!!!!! (well I hope so)

I'm happy to brag about my frosted cranberries, although they are still only in my head 😂
Just thought dc's eating wasn't a great topic.
On a different topic I am slightly concerned about the amount of neat alcohol I am pouring into the xmas cake! I hope it is edible when the time comes.

When I used to make Xmas cake (it's belly ache on a plate for me now!!) I consoled myself because I soaked the fruit in booze for weeks! It was baked, I didn't feed it, it didn't need it! They've tested how much of the alcohol evaporates in cooking and it's not much! (it''s belly ache on a plate for me now!)

Sorry for the repeat silly me