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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 19/08/2018 18:00

@pytr
Seen your latest updates and wondered if your DH could TELL your MIL that he is planning a special (and private) Christmas for you this year. Good that he has had strong words with her in the past and time now for strong action from him. He's got to put you first!
I really don't see why you have to negotiate anything with MIL. Tell him it's your way this year and get him to sort it.

And for those people saying that OP has to look after her MIL who doesn't sound particularly pleasant or repsctful in OP's own home every Christmas - your wrong.

BakedBeans47 · 19/08/2018 18:01

If it wasn’t for the fact you have effectively a second Christmas on Boxing Day I would say you were BU but as things stand I don’t think you are, especially as she never seems to host herself

PankyE · 19/08/2018 18:03

*there's no chance

PollyFlinderz · 19/08/2018 18:04

PollyFlinderz not really, she played the Christmas cancer card (her mother) and only wanted family. We fell for it.

To think that even under those circumstances she didn’t look upon you as family is awful but your now husband still went along with it.

Granted you see it differently and that’s you’re right but it does make for awful reading and I’m sorry this happened to you.

Stillme1 · 19/08/2018 18:07

Who goes where at Christmas is a total minefield.
When I had young children I made sure it was one set of parents every other year. I had no idea why we had to stay over with the more distant parents as people commuted from there (and further afield) to work in the area the other parents lived in. Every year it was emotional blackmail from the distant set of parents and I had to stand up to that on my own. The now exh would not stand any ground.
I never ask any of the younger adults who have young children what they are doing at Christmas because I know the answer will be they are going to the inlaws. I don't know if my own DCs are forced to accept this situation or if it is what they chose. Either way I am not impressed but I will not stoop to emotional blackmail.
It is for their own consciences to decide if they are doing the right thing.

Bringonspring · 19/08/2018 18:11

Christmas is a time for family (everything that comes with that) you should make it work

Wait till you have a child of your own and imagine how you would feel when one day they say they don’t want to see you for Christmas

mumsastudent · 19/08/2018 18:15

I like the idea of Christmas meal out late afternoon alternatively have her for Christmas tea that way you don't have her all day say 4 pm & take her back at 7? that way she isn't by herself over Christmas & you don't have to cope with her all day & you can spend part of the day with you& kids -

toolazytothinkofausername · 19/08/2018 18:16

Surely MIL could go to a sibling, cousin, or aunt/uncle?

YANBU not wanting to see MIL every year!

Teaandcrisps · 19/08/2018 18:18

@bringonspring
That's not what the OP is saying though is it - Boxing Day is the day that is open to MIL when the GC will be there too! Why does she also have to be there on Christmas Day?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/08/2018 18:24

For this year, be kind on Christmas Day. Include her in whatever plans you have. But make sure your DH agrees to manage her - if she's rude he needs deal with it.

Let him have Boxing Day with her and his DC.

Looking to next year talk about maybe going away so she has time to think about other possibilities herself. Could she and her friend afford to do a Christmas cruise, for example?

She's in a difficult position, so don't be too hard on her.

Bringonspring · 19/08/2018 18:26

I do it every year and drives me insane but my children and DH love it. When you marry you marry into each other’s family and everything that comes with that.

There’s a reason there is a spike in the sucide rate at Christmas. Imagine being on your own on Christmas Day.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 18:28

Wait till you have a child of your own and imagine how you would feel when one day they say they don’t want to see you for Christmas

I’d expect them to be with their own family! I didn’t have my child to be a carer for me in my old age.

CanineEnigma · 19/08/2018 18:28

I think we know just what sort of person her mother is. All we know is that she has said it would be mean to not invite someone who is used to visiting along with her son. I would presume that if the OP and her dh didn't go to the OP's mum's for Christmas, she wouldn't be sitting there fretting about someone who is mean to her daughter.

I hate these threads. People who behave badly all year get to ride roughshod over those they mistreat because of faaaaaaaahmlee.

Xenadog · 19/08/2018 18:36

I find the amount of martyrdom on this thread hilarious. Comments that the MIL won’t be here for ever or that certain posters could never allow someone to be on their own at Christmas I find crazy. Why should anyone have their few days over Christmas ruined by an unpleasant relative? If the relative choose to be rude or critical then they should have the consequence. Anything less is allowing yourself to be taken for a mug,

Christmas is for family and friends getting together and having a lovely time. If a family member is rude, unhelpful and creates a horrible atmosphere why should they be invited to come and ruin Christmas for everyone? The fair thing to do (with anyone, not just the OP’s MIL) is to tell them that the expectation is they will be pleasant otherwise they can go. Maybe OP doesn’t need to be as blunt as this but, between now and December, the MIL needs to know what is expected from her.

As someone who has spent Christmas alone I did manage to survive it. In fact I had a really good time and ensured that I volunteered, popped and saw a relative then had a friend come over later in the day. I could have stayed at home by myself, which would have been fine, but I ensured I had things to do and people to see whilst not actually spending a whole day with anyone. The MIL does have a friend she could see but she chooses not to.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 18:37

Perhaps one of the martyrs could invite the OPs MIL for Christmas?

ElenOfTheWays · 19/08/2018 18:39

YABU and mean and totally missing the true meaning of Christmas

Ham? Grin

NCasIknowMNetters · 19/08/2018 18:40

Wait till you have a child of your own and imagine how you would feel when one day they say they don’t want to see you for Christmas

Like when I was 13 and went away over Xmas on a school skiing trip? My mother survived...

NCasIknowMNetters · 19/08/2018 18:43

Ham?

I raise you stuffing a whole tin of Quality Street tin in a morning
sherry!

Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 18:44

"Wait till you have a child of your own and imagine how you would feel when one day they say they don’t want to see you for Christmas".

I wouldn't force or expect them to spend Christmas with anyone. Also what if I can't have children or don't want them. It's a bit of an insensitive comment really.

OP posts:
sickmumma · 19/08/2018 18:48

YABU tbh! She is your family, it's one day in the whole year and she has no one else! It would be very selfish to leave her alone on Xmas.

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 18:51

I'd have OP's MiL for Christmas any time. Our house is open house every Christmas and any and everybody's welcome here. It makes me very sad to think of anyone being alone when they don't have to be.

BigBlueBubble · 19/08/2018 18:51

When you marry you marry into each other’s family
If someone posted that they were considering dumping DP because MIL is awful, they’d be told YABU you’re marrying the man not his family. But then after you’re married you have to accept his awful family and whatever rude and unpleasant behaviour they decide to dole out?

redshoeblueshoe · 19/08/2018 18:53

Can people read the full thread.
Mil will not be alone if she doesn't go to the OP's

redshoeblueshoe · 19/08/2018 18:54

There you are OP, she can go to BlueLadys house Grin

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 18:55

Who will she be with, then?

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