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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 19/08/2018 16:45

Just tell her that for once you & DH are having a nice relaxing quiet Christmas Day just the two of you and you'll see her Boxing Day. No discussion, just say that this is how it is. Tell her now so she has lots of time to sort something else. If your DM feels like being a martyr and inviting her then that's up to her. Or maybe, just maybe MIL could invite people to hers.....

redshoeblueshoe · 19/08/2018 16:47

I agree with Iwannasee.
If people are rude to me they are certainly not coming round for Christmas.

Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 17:02

@cleaningtwenty that link is a bit dramatic. I did say that if we were to have one of the Christmas days without her she wouldn't be on her own. If she did not have any other plans then we would still have her. We would still be having her all of Boxing Day anyway where I would be cooking for her.
Maybe I could go there to volunteer. Sounds like a good escape.

OP posts:
Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 17:04

Ah sorry @cleaningtwenty just seen you're other posts. That makes more sense now.

OP posts:
Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 17:05

*your

OP posts:
Cardiganandcuppa · 19/08/2018 17:06

Could you carve the two days into more segments?

Ie you have Christmas Day morning just you guys. Then she comes over at lunchtime. Ditto Boxing Day?

bigknickersbigknockers · 19/08/2018 17:08

I don't think I would be able to enjoy Christmas day knowing that someone in my immediate family was alone. Do you think your DH would enjoy the festivities knowing his mother was alone? YABU

Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 17:16

As I've said before she wouldn't be alone.

OP posts:
cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 17:18

pytr. Yes but the posters who want to punish you dont have as much of an argument if they acknowledge that bit, so covered all bases!

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 17:22

I volunteer pytr and it was great fun. Before I got married MIL only wanted family at her place for Christmas 🙄 and I was alone as I’d moved to DH’s (fiancé then) city to be with him and didn’t know anyone. I did it the following year as well because it was such a great day.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 17:24

Your fiance should never have allowed that, twenty. He should have chosen to be with you, if his mother wasn't making you welcome. I would not have forgiven either of them for that tbh.

arranfan · 19/08/2018 17:26

I could go there to volunteer. Sounds like a good escape.

We used to volunteer for a food charity that prepared and delivered food over the weekend throughout the year - and always took the Christmas/New Year shifts (I was one of the cooks, DH one of the delivery drivers). Some years I was also involved in making up the special Christmas Week bags (small seasonal cakes, extra seasonal fruit etc.). Some of the most enjoyable festive seasons that we've ever had.

PollyFlinderz · 19/08/2018 17:27

Cleaning what an absolutely appalling situation and one that was condoned by your now husband.

I’d not be able to look at him.

Goldmandra · 19/08/2018 17:33

Either you or your husband needs to tell her that it isn't acceptable for her to be rude and unpleasant to you. If she continues to do it or does it at Christmas this year, you will make a joint decision not to spend Christmas with her in the future.

She wants to be with you but also be rude to you and make you miserable. Tell her that isn't going to happen anymore. Either she behaves pleasantly and ensures you are ALL able to enjoy the day or she doesn't come.

Make her take some responsibility for this situation as it is of her making.

Rebecca36 · 19/08/2018 17:36

She's not going to be around forever and it doesn't sound as though she's a horrible person. It doesn't hurt to put yourself out a bit at Christmas, isn't that what we are all supposed to do?

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 17:42

It doesn't hurt to put yourself out a bit at Christmas so that’s settled, the MIL should stop being so selfish snd put herself out for once.

Topseyt · 19/08/2018 17:44

Even if you keep things the same, as one of your updates suggests you will, that doesn't mean that you have to suck up and accept rude and critical behaviour from her.

Call her on it every time. Tell DH well in advance that this will happen. Advise him to warn her beforehand that this sort of behaviour won't be tolerated.

burblish · 19/08/2018 17:44

Even though she has been awful to me I will suck it up and get on with it. Maybe I will put less effort in to please her though.

If you really feel you need to invite her, then I wouldn’t make ANY particular effort to please her at all. It sounds as though she thinks badly of you anyway and has treated you poorly, so screw trying to please her. I’d leave everything to my husband. Let him slave away to lay on the works for Christmas for his mother and wait on her hand and foot, and let him deal with her criticisms. Why should you do it for her?

GreenTulips · 19/08/2018 17:45

It doesn't hurt to put yourself out a bit at Christmas

I mean after all the cooking cleaning shopping organising - Why on earth would a woman be allowed to have Christmas she wants (for a change?)

Always putting others first is really tiring. About time someone put OP first- and if she has to do that herself so be it.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 17:49

PollyFlinderz not really, she played the Christmas cancer card (her mother) and only wanted family. We fell for it.

HotTeaCup · 19/08/2018 17:52

YABU and mean and totally missing the true meaning of Christmas. I'm sure your MIL would feel very hurt to be pushed out of her only DS's life at such a special family time.

PankyE · 19/08/2018 17:54

Im just curious as to why people think OP should carry the emotional and physical load of Christmas, put everyone else needs before hers and sacrifice her day?
OP should have her husband and dc together on Christmas. Those are precious years you can't get back.
I'm in the same boat as you OP. Some of the vile things she has said to me are unforgivable. My DP is an only child too.
There's honest I'd be happy with DP going away for Christmas.
If she absolutely has to come for Christmas then dp should do all the cooking and cleaning and organising alternate years.
You're not a slave and your Christmas is just as important as anyone's.
Tbh I like this idea and I think i'll suggest it to my DP for this year.

helacells · 19/08/2018 17:55

She's his Mum. Suck it up. You'll never win this one.

GreenTulips · 19/08/2018 17:58

YABU and mean and totally missing the true meaning of Christmas

Perhaps MIL isn't exactly spreading Christmas cheer is she? I mean who goes for Christmas and says horrid things and complains when others have put themselves out and spent a fortune? Really rude and bad manners familybor not

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