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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Celestia26 · 19/08/2018 16:11

User I mean husband and children.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 16:11

She'll be dead at some point it's not forever OP. My sister’s first husband died before his mother. She never got a Christmas alone with just her family.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 16:12

Bluelady you must know her mother well! 🙄

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 16:13

Celestia I know what you meant, but excluding Dh's mother from a definition of 'his own family' and using that to excuse leaving her alone for Christmas is unkind and totally lacking in any kind of Christmas spirit.

BlueberryPud · 19/08/2018 16:13

OH and I have Christmas Eve to enjoy and Christmas Day breakfast together with present opening, then he drives to his DM, 2 hours away, for lunch whilst I cook at home for my DC's. My OH returns after breakfast on Boxing Day

We often do something very similar every year. It's the easiest thing to do given our circumstances.

JudithPartridge · 19/08/2018 16:13

@MNHQ please can you move this to the Christmas topic. Like you move Brexit threads to the Brexit topic.

IT'S AUGUST FFS

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 16:14

She's told us what her mum thinks. RTFOP.

NCasIknowMNetters · 19/08/2018 16:17

Why do we HAVE to spend Xmas with family like it's a magical day?

Here's a perspective. I'm making plans to spend Xmas with non-blood family (friend who is like a sister and her family, including my god-daughter) for the first time. By taking my children I am guaranteeing we will not see DH on that day. He works away but MAY be within driving distance and allowed home if I drive 2 hours to fetch him; he would then be on-call.

A few years ago I declined invites from my sisters and my friend, in order to wait at home as he 'MAY' be able to see the kids on Xmas, but an emergency came up and he wasn't able to. The kids and I had a great time by ourselves and because he works away half the year we never make promises and they don't get upset. Other years he's home anyway, or has been able to come for the day. It's weird planning in our house.

Should I stay so my primary school aged kids can have a chance at seeing their dad? Am I wrong for saying to DH who would be thrilled to see his DC if humanly possible 'Sod it. I'm taking this year to non-family to have a laff and drink gin.'

That's to my husband. Guess how I feel about people who are in-laws or even my own parents?

There is no moral duty to be with family on this day. Custom? Yes. Nice thing to do? Usually. Duty to put up and shut up? Never mind the 1950s, the 1700s want you back.

Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 16:18

I didn't know there was a Christmas topic. I am happy for it to be moved there if you think it would be better.
After reading replies I will just stick to what we have been doing. I don't want to be mean to her. Even though she has been awful to me I will suck it up and get on with it. Maybe I will put less effort in to please her though. Thanks.

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 19/08/2018 16:18

I felt bad enough leaving my in laws to have xmas alone one year and their two of them! I have spent all but three years out of 17 Christmas' with my in laws and I wouldn't have it any other way. My mil isn't the easiest person but they love spending the day with us and I know Christmas wouldn't be Christmas just the two of us.

But if you can live with it then you should have the Christmas you want.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 16:18

Bluelady Yes not we don’t know what sort of person her mother is 🙄

BlueberryPud · 19/08/2018 16:19

We often do something very similar every year

Oops that doesn't make sense. We do it every year, which is often enough.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 16:20

I know Christmas wouldn't be Christmas just the two of us That’s fine then, you don’t want Christmas alone with your DH. OP does! Or maybe with his children also.

Palace2 · 19/08/2018 16:23

Just tell her you are doing Christmas day on boxing day (and she's hosting) and that you and dh are planning a quiet day together on the 25th. It's just a day after all, you can choose when you're going to celebrate it. For years we had Christmas day on boxing when we had xdh children. It worked fine. Slip it into conversation and quickly move on, let her digest the news and make her own plans

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 16:24

I think we know just what sort of person her mother is. She's told us. Here's a PA 😀 For you too.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 16:25

Never mind the 1950s, the 1700s want you back.

Yep!

Best decision we ever made to say no to MIL’s demand that we were her Christmas slaves. She and FIL can entertain themselves. I love Christmas now, love it. My little family do what we want, see friends, see siblings, go on holiday, stay in a country cottage, go out for dinner, go skiing... My husband is happy, DD is happy, I’m happy. Best time of the year, not one to dread.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 19/08/2018 16:27

We'll move this over to the Christmas topic now. Flowers

Stormy76 · 19/08/2018 16:29

You could nix the Boxing Day with her because she has had Xmas day with you all?

girlywhirly · 19/08/2018 16:32

Does DH know what MIL said to you, and why is he not speaking up in your favour? You need to have the conversation now, you will not be treated that way in your own home, and he needs to sort it out. I suspect that she is needy because he lets her get away with it since her divorce, and she is envious because you are a rival for his attentions. I doubt any woman wouldn’t be good enough in her eyes. Was DH’s former partner, does she compare you? She sounds very bitter.

Otherwise, you will be going to your parents for both Christmas and Boxing days, and he will be doing all the planning, shopping and cooking for just him and his mum Christmas Day, and the same with his DC on Boxing Day.

Or, he can address the needy and critical behaviour of his mother and warn her that at the first hint of it she will be going home.

Celestia26 · 19/08/2018 16:35

User, I do understand your point. However, it's exhausting and quite unfair to spend every single Christmas with someone you don't like. Alternate Christmas's fine, but every single one?

Why should she have to do it just because the woman is a relative of her husband?

I wouldn't expect my husband to spend every single Christmas with my mum and dad, so we're having serious discussions about this Christmas, and why I am expected to do it for his dad.

The OP is allowed to have an opinion and a choice. It's her Christmas too!

LML83 · 19/08/2018 16:35

You should put in less effort to please her and suit yourself. But leaving her alone is a bit much. And being a decent person means you would probably feel guilty anyway.

Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 16:36

To clear up confusion she comes on Boxing Day because that is when we have the kids for our Christmas with them and she wants to see them and give them her presents. Kids can't come on Christmas Day because that is their day with their mum. That arrangement works well for their mum, dad and the kids are happy so we can't change that.

OP posts:
cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 16:37

But leaving her alone is a bit much she’s nog s toddler! How many people on this thread couldn’t organise a Christmas for themselves? She can go to friends, book a singles holiday, help out at a homeless hostel... she’s a grown ass woman!

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 16:38

Then she has two festive days she wants and you have none. Unfair!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 16:39

I think it would be perfectly fine to say no to Christmas day this year. Your dh might even be relieved to have it taken out of his hands.
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got - in your case a rude and unappreciative mil. If she's made less welcome, she might think about why!
People on this thread are batshit crazy, telling you that you have to put up with miserable Christmasses forever. As a starter, you need to challenge her on the rudeness and be very clear to her that if she wants to be welcome, certain standards of behaviour are expected.

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