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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 18:56

Her best friend or her sibling

OP posts:
Oly5 · 19/08/2018 18:58

I think you are being incredibly selfish. It’s one day. You can cope for one day. Leaving her alone or telling her she has to spend it with a friend is a cruel thing to do

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 18:59

OK, she can still come here, though!

minnierose3 · 19/08/2018 19:00

I'm not exactly a huge fan of my MIL but this does seem pretty harsh 😕

PollyFlinderz · 19/08/2018 19:00

There you are OP, she can go to BlueLadys house grin

She could also come to me but if she needs a passport she should apply for it now.

abbsisspartacus · 19/08/2018 19:00

I had a very p.a. mil who would moan and moan then not eat a darn thing because gluten free turkey is weird Confused I told my ex to sort it we argued because he hadn't heard her say a thing wrong to me I stuck to my guns and he snuck up behind her and heard the things she said called her right out on it one thing I can say about my ex he was a sneaky begger

GreenTulips · 19/08/2018 19:03

it's just one day

No it isn't - it's a whole heap of day shopping decorating cleaning preparing visiting - not one bloody day!

After all that effort why should you have it spoilt?

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 19:11

No it’s not harsh! What’s harsh is the OP never having had a Christmas alone with her DH and people telling her she has to put up with that until MIL dies by which time she could be elderly herself.

Bringonspring · 19/08/2018 19:21

We have an open house, last year we had 17 people! She is welcome with us!

Flickerfromview · 19/08/2018 19:22

To clear up confusion she comes on Boxing Day because that is when we have the kids for our Christmas with them and she wants to see them and give them her presents. Kids can't come on Christmas Day because that is their day with their mum. That arrangement works well for their mum, dad and the kids are happy so we can't change that

That is why I was thinking of the low key Christmas Day for you and OH and then a proper big Christmas Day on Boxing Day. Kids, grandparents, other family members.

I have done this. My own parents also accepted it. In fact I think when I shared my hardly existing plans for the 25th ( which involved not eating until the evening) my parents were relieved to be able to opt out.

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 19:28

My marriage has obviously been terrible then, we haven't spent one of our 20 Christmases alone, not that either of us would really want to, it's all about family for us.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 19:28

I never understand the bs people spout about how mil won't be here forever - thank fuck my mum didn't listen to that when her ILs were behaving badly. My mum is 69 and her mil is still alive and reasonably well. When would it have been her turn?

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 19:45

we haven't spent one of our 20 Christmases alone, not that either of us would really want to, you’re alright then aren’t you jack?

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 19:46

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Exactly. FIL, a drunk, is 70. He wrecked Christmases when DH was little. He would still be doing it if allowed.

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 19:47

Absolutely, Jill.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 19:48

It’s so simple. 25th OPs day, 36th her DH’s day (which means his kids and mother).

It’s more than fair considering the OP has had her day stolen every other year!

BigBlueBubble · 19/08/2018 19:54

gluten free turkey is weird
@abbsisspartacus Completely irrelevant to the thread but there’s no such thing as gluten free turkey? Turkey doesn’t contain gluten?

MinecraftHolmes · 19/08/2018 19:59

BigBlue Maybe gluten from the turkey feed can cause issues? I'm going to Google it Grin

Goldmandra · 19/08/2018 20:01

Maybe gluten from the turkey feed can cause issues?

I imagine it's more a case of having nothing real to complain about so making something up.

campion · 19/08/2018 20:01

it's just one day

No it isn't - it's a whole heap of day shopping decorating cleaning preparing visiting - not one bloody day!

After all that effort why should you have it spoilt?

This...with knobs on. How much effort has MIL put in to making the day a success?

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 19/08/2018 20:04

Yanbu.

You've put up with this for years, you are not selfish.

Go to your mum's, leave you DH to host or go to his mum's.

At the very least have a conversation with your oh about this. Make sure he is aware of your feelings will take the lion's share of hosting and will stick up for you. If this doesn't happen, next year he's on his own with her.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 20:07

26th DH’s day obvs

GogoGobo · 19/08/2018 20:19

YANBU.
Tell her you are celebrating Christmas on the 26th Dec this year so you will see her then.
I am about to break the news that we won’t be seeing MIL until the 26th. I have spent every Christmas with her and she hates me and I love Christmas so over the last 14 years she has slowly made me very very miserable pissing on all I do every year.
She will be with her daughter on the 25th but “prefers to have everyone together” as it’s her birthday too. She doesn’t give a crap that I haven’t had a Christmas with my own family in those 14 years. Like your MiL, she is entitled and we have fed it.
Pull the plaster off this year and reclaim a bit of the festive season for what you want to do.

abbsisspartacus · 19/08/2018 20:54

Big blue that's the point I can't eat gluten so ours would be gluten free I was prepared to cook stuffing with wheat in for them and everything but nope too weird

Accountant222 · 19/08/2018 20:58

If she was my MIL I'd entertain her, how would you feel in years to come if one of your children's partners did the same to you

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