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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:57

She’s being upset, she can say “no more”. If the world of these lots of people revolves around the op and they will be upset if she’s not there, they ought to have been over to her.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:58

NICER to her, not over

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 15:58

Of course she can't. She's taken on a package, too late to say she doesn't want bits of it now.

onetimeposter · 19/08/2018 15:58

I'm not sure on this one. On one hand I'd be ok with Christmas alone I think. I'd hate to force myself on anyone, including my kids. I think the chance to have wine, a meal for one and a pamper day whilst watching good films, sounds lovely. Especially when Boxing day is a family day.
My kids will be free to do what they want. But then I'm a loner.

Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 15:58

"The OP knowingly married someone who had a difficult rather isolated mother, and children from a previous marriage. She can't just magic all that away at Christmas time."

Where have I mentioned that I would want to magic his children away at Christmas time? They are the highlight of the whole Christmas to be honest. Very weird to assume that I would want to magic them away!
I don't even want to magic MIl away. I just don't want to spend Christmas and Boxing Day with her every single year!

OP posts:
cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:59

Magic them away OP! Book a holiday.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:59

Ooh take the children on holiday then!

Lethaldrizzle · 19/08/2018 16:00

It's only a day

Flickerfromview · 19/08/2018 16:00

My OH is an only child. He would never leave his DM alone for the day. I have wanted to maintain my DC's usual family Christmas for them and we don't have the space for guests.

OH and I have Christmas Eve to enjoy and Christmas Day breakfast together with present opening, then he drives to his DM, 2 hours away, for lunch whilst I cook at home for my DC's. My OH returns after breakfast on Boxing Day.

A compromise but works for us.

However I don't spend time with my parents either. I think it would be very unfair invite them and not my OH DM.

onetimeposter · 19/08/2018 16:01

Someone's mother would hardly be 'a package' imo. Parents should be independent. It's not like taking on someone's kids and neither should it be. I think committing to someone with a clingy relative would be more offputting than someone with young children tbh

CrumbsInBed · 19/08/2018 16:01

How about dh see his Mother on Xmas day with the children, but at hers, maybe she’d feel more comfortable in her own home?

That way, she sees her son and grandkids. Help with some prep of veg etc for when he goes up so you’ve made some effort, and then have the day to yourself.

Boxing Day, you, dh and children have it at home together. She”ll have to suck it up.
I feel your pain, I really do.

LML83 · 19/08/2018 16:01

I couldn't leave my mum alone on Christmas and would be very upset if my partner suggested it to me.

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 16:02

Probably for the best to book a holiday. I guess your mum will then invite MiL, OP, she'll probably have quite a nice time.

GreenTulips · 19/08/2018 16:03

How about dh see his Mother on Xmas day with the children, but at hers, maybe she’d feel more comfortable in her own home?

I think the children's mother may have some input into that arrangement.

LML83 · 19/08/2018 16:03

She'll be dead at some point it's not forever OP.

BlueberryPud · 19/08/2018 16:05

If these people have no friends in their life it’s not the OPs fault

That's true, although one might have dozens of friends but come Christmas day, they'll all be spending time with their families.
It's usually families the get together at Christmas. Not groups of friends.

Celestia26 · 19/08/2018 16:05

OP I completely agree with you and don't think you are being unreasonable.

We are in an almost identical situation, except its my husbands father that we have to spend EVERY Christmas with.

He is not a very nice person, is an alcoholic and says very inappropriate things in front of the children. And yet because he is alone (I wonder why?!), we have to host him every bloody Christmas!

My husbands mother and my parents have to alternate Christmas with us, and yet this horrid unlikeable man spends every single one being looked after and waited on. I hate it.

I empathise with you and hope you are able to spend this one without her.

Ignore the people calling you mean and selfish. Christmas should be about your own family not hosting to someone you dislike.

Ginger1982 · 19/08/2018 16:05

Could his mother not see the grandkids by herself on a day in between Christmas and new year? My mum is on her own and I would never let DH say we shouldn't see her on Christmas Day, but it's usually for about 5 hours tops. DH has siblings so we might see his folks on Boxing Day.

CAAKE · 19/08/2018 16:06

We've started going away to have Christmas on our own every few years for exactly the same reason. It breaks up the expectation that we all have to spend (what are usually fucking stressful) Christmases with family every single year.

Last year I got a great Black Friday deal (in November) for an all inclusive resort in Switzerland. It was one of the nicest we've ever had.

CrumbsInBed · 19/08/2018 16:06

Ah right ok, it was just a thought. DRTFT syndrome 😕...

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 16:07

Well surely OP by booking a holiday and being away for Christmas, you are omitting the children from your Christmas also?

I presume they spend Christmas Day with their mother?

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 16:07

Her own mother says it's mean, what does that tell all of you defending her?

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 16:08

Celestia her MIL is part of her DH's 'own family'.

Thirtyrock39 · 19/08/2018 16:10

Christmas Day AND Boxing Day is a bit much especially as in a lot of families there's a rotation so it's unusual to see one side for both days every year . I think it would be hard to leave her on her own on Christmas Day - Boxing Day is totally different- there's sales on, sports on, theatre, lots out and about for walks etc plenty to occupy yourself with...

CrumbsInBed · 19/08/2018 16:10

My suggestion was to try and cover all bases, so MIL wasn’t left alone.