To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

[pytr]

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it .

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

I feel really sorry for the MIL! So many lonely people at Christmas - how sad! 😣

Here's a thought Accountant, don't be rude and nasty to your children's partners and then you will be more welcome in their houses.

What IWannaSeeHowItEnds said with bells on.

don't be rude and nasty to your children's partners and then you will be more welcome in their houses.

Shockingly simple, isn’t it?

I'm in an eerily similar situation.
I took the decision 14 years ago that I signed up for this when I married DH.
I spend a lot of Christmas Day and Boxing Day (she stays over) gritting my teeth. But I don't walk on eggshells. I do things my own way. And I don't think I could look myself in the mirror if I didn't invite her one year.
I'm currently lobbying DH for a weekend away over NY so that I've got something fabulous to look forward.

I agree IWannaSeeHowItEnds. There are certain people I’d welcome into my home a lot more often if they’d just make the effort to show basic levels of politeness. Instead, we limit them to a couple of teeth gritting occasions a year.

Reading with interest. I have a lot of empathy for you and your situation. I'm on track for a very similar scenario. I'm not an evil manipulative wife, of course I'd never want anyone to spend Xmas alone, and for DH's sake I'd NEVER do it to his mother. But I genuinely find MIL hard work and the constant hosting and being 'on it' on what used to be my favorite 2 days of the year sucks. It's no good saying 'well put your feet up and let DH do it all'. It's not as easy as that, it's because I DO care that I can't just sack it all off while DH takes care of everything.

I think you'll have to accept Xmas day. I feel for you big time but as someone said earlier it's probably just a sacrifice you'll have to make for your marriage. But I do think Boxing Day is different, and I don't think she can expect to 'have' this every year when you have family too. If her friend isn't an option on Boxing Day, can you send DH to hers with his kids in the morning? She then sees her grandchildren and has a few hours company while you chill for a bit. Meet back up with him at your parents' later on? Seems a fair compromise, assuming logistics allow? It won't kill MIL to be alone just on Boxing Day afternoon, and you'll get an entire day back.

Feel your pain!!! My MIL is sooo lazy she comes down when it suits her stays on our sofa for over a week at a time and just sits there! Literally sits there... she plays on her phone or falls asleep and doesn't make an effort with our 2 children who are 2 and 3. She lives in the middle of Scotland in the middle of nowhere and has a shopping addiction so for the past 10 years before my husband met me and we had kids used to come down when ever she wanted to. It's too much having her here for over a week just sitting on the sofa!!! She came down the year before last and called her oldest son up crying saying I was making her feel uncomfortable (didn't say anything to me) and lied saying I had said stuff I hadn't to try and cause trouble. She knew we was rowing about her being down again along over the front room and yet she still comes. My nan has a spare room and lives 10 mins from us but she won't stay there because she doesn't want to. My nan would take her out and it's not like she sees the kids in the day coz I work so they aren't there. She is just evil and likes knowing her son will pick her side. Yes I feel bad for my husband but come on really he's 40! She has 4 sons and my husband is the only one who is expected and does stuff for her. Annoys me so much.

Raaaah he wants to invite her down for Xmas and her other son and of course wants them to stay here. Thinks she should stay in my daughters room and the brother should have the sofa. For 2 days I could deal with it but not for over a week. I feel so uncomfortable in my own house :(

Sorry for the long rant, after another row tonight had to get it off my chest! I personally don't think you should have to have her every year. Sounds like she plays on it x

You are lucky that you can combine both sides. My mum is a bit full on and my Sil refuses to have Christmas day with her. I have had to have Christmas with my in-laws knowing my mum is spending the day alone.

I also have a rude MIL for Christmas. She lives 20/minutes away, refuses to stay and insisits my DH collect her and drop her off home. The country I live in celebrates Christmas eve, so she is back again for Christmas day.

Last year DH was gone for four hours for a 20/minute journey. When DH called her to say he was leaving tp pick her up she took a strong laxative suppositry - 'because KC's cooking didn't agree with me'. I was frantically ringing my DH and she made him promise not to tell me what was going on and why he was so late. Only later did I find out she was shitting out her intestines. Her daughter asked why she did it, the suppositories were her dead husband's medication and she said I found them in the cabinet and didn't think they would work. So Christmas day is the time to test out that theory. When they did arrive she refused to eat anything aside from the two dishes she had brought the previous day.

She refuses to come on Boxing Day because I do a British Christmas. And she only does Swedish traditions at Christmas not foreign ones.

I am with you on this one OP. I have practically disengaged from my MIL now. I don't put up with any of the digs. I shake my head and sigh, turn to my DH and say 'you deal with it or I will REALLY deal with it'. They have got less now. But there is always one. She can't help herself.

As your MIL has been rude to you and critical, can you DP have a word with her. If he says, DW gets upset with the comments and criticism - would it work. If he told her she had to be on her best behaviour how would she take it?

Op, you have my sympathy. Seven awful xmases made utterly miserable by my toxic ex-mil,

One year was so dire I ended up sitting in the car at a local beauty spot with the radio. a blanket & a packet of mince pies. A passing police officer thought I was going to do something daft !!

Don’t let her set a precedent, can you go on holiday every other year to get away from her, Lapland or skiing?

Hey. I couldn't agree more. I really struggle with Christmas now we have a little one. My Mum likes to invite EVERYONE (people who aren't even close family) and it totally ruins it for me. We spend Christmas even with my husbands family, which is more than enough with the MIL for me. She's not a bad person, we just don't relax around each other. My Mum insists on inviting her every year now we have a little one. It's too much for me. I dread it now and that's such a shame. The problem isn't MIL muscling in, it's my Mum inviting her when I've repeatedly asked her not to. What do I do? Just write Christmas off every year as something I'm not supposed to enjoy? I dread it now. 2 consecutive days with MIL is way too much. Happy to do one on one off. I totally hear you. I'd never want to leave anyone on their own but surely everyone deserves to relax on Christmas day :/

It’s just 2 days, I really can’t see why people can’t suck it up for 2 days.