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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 14:05

It's not fair if you expect your DH to spend every Christmas with your family.

MIL should not be criticising you, especially if you're cooking for her every Boxing Day! Why are you doing that?

How about :

You spend Xmas with your parents and DH spends it with his mum (assuming you don't have kids)

Or

You and DH spend it with your parents one year and with his mum the next year? And MIL, DH and you take turns cooking dinner and you and DH spend Boxing Day with your family on those times?

Or

MIL spends Xmas with you one year and her fiend the next year?

AnnabelC · 19/08/2018 14:05

I agree with Apple. Don’t walk on eggshells just be yourself. I have all the family at Christmas. When it gets too much I disappear to regroup. Nobody notices. 🤓

underneaththeash · 19/08/2018 14:05

We have the same issue, we did have one Christmas without her, which we knew would be my father's last Christmas before he died. She was not very gracious about it even though she went to her brother's house around the corner and we were with her by 5pm on Boxing Day.

DH is an only child and MIL now has no siblings left. I find her quite irritating too and she lives a long way away so needs to basically come from the 24th to the 27th at least. However, neither DH or I would think to leave her alone at Christmas - its a time for families, not going to a friend's house.

So yes YABU

chocatoo · 19/08/2018 14:06

I think you are thinking of yourself rather than your husband and his Mum. I long ago accepted that Christmas is not the time when I will get to put my feet up. You would also feel really bad when you think of her feeling hurt and unwanted so you won’t enjoy your freedom anyway.

BigBlueBubble · 19/08/2018 14:06

I know how you feel. I hate my MIL and it’s ruined Christmas for me because I have to spend it with her every single year. She’s so awful that my own DM refuses to spend Christmas with me because she doesn’t want to see MIL. It makes me really sad that DM prefers to spend Christmas with a friend rather than with her own family just to avoid MIL. I’m already starting to feel stressed about it and it’s only August. I used to love Christmas and it makes me really sad that it’s so miserable now.

I’m hoping we can go on holiday for Christmas 2019. When my elderly DM eventually passes away I’m genuinely going to suggest we emigrate just to get away from MIL (who is a lot younger so if we don’t live far away I’ll potentially be stuck with her for another 30 years).

Screaminginsidemeagain · 19/08/2018 14:09

No one should be alone at Christmas if they don’t Want to be.
To be rejected by your son because his new partner doesn’t like you would be so hurtful and damage any future relationship with her.

You are being selfish. It’s two days!

Maybe if the stepchildren and dad go to her for Boxing Day you can have your me time then

BigBlueBubble · 19/08/2018 14:09

You would also feel really bad when you think of her feeling hurt and unwanted so you won’t enjoy your freedom anyway
Depends how much you hate your MIL I suppose. I don’t give a shiny shit if my MIL feels hurt and unwanted. Serves her right for the way she’s behaved towards me in the past.

viques · 19/08/2018 14:09

Well either you celebrate Christmas and all it means in terms of family and sharing, or you don't celebrate Christmas in which case it is your mum inviting you, oh and his mum round for a meal on the 25th December and then mil and husbands kids coming round for a meal at yours on the 26th of December . The other days of the year it can just be you and your dh.

If his kids are still quite young I think it is nice for them to see their dad and their granny together btw.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 14:10

She criticises you and stresses you out. Tell your DH he’s on his own with her if he doesn’t want to be with you. Are you really going to wreck Christmas for yourself for the rest of her life?

CatsMinion · 19/08/2018 14:10

My MIL invited herself to ours one year. Worst Christmas ever. She will never come again, DH knows if she attempts to invite herself ever again then the answer is a firm no.

DuchessThingy · 19/08/2018 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarlingNikita · 19/08/2018 14:12

I think you are thinking of yourself rather than your husband and his Mum. I long ago accepted that Christmas is not the time when I will get to put my feet up.

Why on earth shouldn't she think of herself? Why should she not have at least one day when her DH cooks (you know, seeing as it's HIS mother) and SHE gets to put her feet up?

You may enjoy being a martyr but not everyone has to.

Chrisinthemorning · 19/08/2018 14:13

Oh dear, it’s a difficult one.
I am an only child and DH has one sister who does her own thing at Christmas- she sees her mum at some point but not usually Christmas Day.
MIL is single although she has close friends and a brother she could see.
We always do Christmas Eve as a social day- church service and see friends and Boxing Day as a duvet day the 3 of us. Christmas Day we have my parents and MIL here every year, it’s a nice day- DH Cooks. However I get on fine with MIL, we’re not close but we rub along quite happily.
As an only child I wouldn’t leave my parents alone on Christmas Day - it just seems sad. I think it’s the Boxing Day too that is making things difficult- could he change his day with the kids so you don’t have to see anyone on Boxing Day?

mimibunz · 19/08/2018 14:13

Sometimes we have to put up with ILs because it’s the right thing to do. I’m in a similar situation except with FIL. Because DH and I don’t have children we are expected to spend do all the Christmas traveling to two different houses while everyone else gets to stay put.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2018 14:13

Why is your husband letting her be rude to you in your own home? I doubt he’d be fine with anyone else doing that, I hope not, and she doesn’t get special dispensation because they share DNA.

How often do you see her the rest of the year?

Christmas day and Boxing Day is too much. Definitely opt out of one of them or go away and bin the whole thing off.

That other posters put up with horrible relatives or have lost relatives has absolutely no bearing on what OP should have to put up with. It’s her life too.

My DM is single and we spend Christmas with her every year in some combination of other people or other but she never assumes and always asks what we’re planning, says she’s got other offers and is easy to do whatever. We all love being with her but if we decided to sod off on holiday one year she’d be just as happy and spent it with a friend.

No one owes anyone rude Christmas. That would be ridiculous.

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 14:13

When my elderly DM eventually passes away I’m genuinely going to suggest we emigrate just to get away from MIL

Could you have Xmas with mum every other year? So DH goes to his mum's those years? Seems a shame to miss your mum's last few Christmases.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2018 14:16

That’s a choice you’re making mimibunz. They’re not the boss of you. Just say no. What’s the worst that can happen, someone gets in a huff? You’re adults, if you want to stay at home then do it.

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 14:16

I'm with your mum, it's horribly mean. I bet your mum invites her to their place if you leave her out. Everyone in our family knows this is open house at Christmas, it's a horrible time to be alone.

Aridane · 19/08/2018 14:17

Poor woman. So you're suggesting she spends Christmas alone or with a single friend than with her family? Horrid.

^^

This

HollowTalk · 19/08/2018 14:17

Why not ask her friend to come too, to dilute things?

MuddlingMackem · 19/08/2018 14:17

chocatoo Sun 19-Aug-18 14:06:18
I think you are thinking of yourself rather than your husband and his Mum.

But they're only thinking of themselves, and not the OP. So why don't her wishes count?

MintTulips · 19/08/2018 14:18

I really, truly believe that Christmas is the time for extending the hand and opening your doors to the lonely. I couldn't leave anybody alone on Christmas.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 14:18

Gosh so many people resenting Christmas. You just have to say no, this year we want to be on our own. That’s it, what’s going to happen? It’s not as if you havent tried in previous years.

AmabelleOnabike · 19/08/2018 14:19

OP I did this for 20 years. For 20 years I could not go to spend Christmas with my family. My MIL was very needy too and got to the point where we couldn't even go away for a night (we live in the same town and dh would call on her once or twice a day) but she would spend the whole time ringing dh that she was sick, needed him, etc. I gritted my teeth a lot. However what helped massively was changing my attitude and believe me I was initially devastated that I couldn't spend Christmas with my parents and siblings and meeting up with o,d friends who had come home for the festivities. I realised that Mil was not interested in me, mostly only in dh and the dc. I cooked the most elaborate Christmas dinners I could and would spend the day in the kitchen with a glass (or 3) of prosecco. Dh and dc entertained their mother/grandmother. I made boxing day my day when we would spend the whole day with just us (dh, me and dc) and eat leftovers and so on. Mil died and I am looking forward to the first Christmas with just us! While I wouldn't go so far as to say I miss mil I was eventually so okay with our christmas day structure that I think I will.l miss that part. Dh will not miss the stress that his other caused but will probably miss her nonetheless.

So that's it, if you can at all, change your attitude towards the day and find someway to enjoy it and be graceful about including your husband's mother in your day.

ReggaetonLente · 19/08/2018 14:20

We’re in the same position. I wouldn’t mind if she bloody enjoyed it but she spends the whole day moaning anyway.

I have no suggestions, reading with interesting.