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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 19/08/2018 15:29

On Mumsnet, I've noticed, no-one should be alone at Christmas, no matter how unpleasant that person is the rest of the year.

I'm an only child and the first year I was married, my DM was newly widowed. I assumed she wouldn't want to be alone etc etc - after all, I am a Mumsnetter.

She would have none of it - 'You two enjoy your Christmas together, you don't want me around like a gooseberry. I'll make my own arrangements'. And she did.

Since then we've mixed it up, been on Boxing Day and for the frist year she is coming to our this year. However prob the big difference is - my DM is a pleasure to have around.

In your circumstances when she isn't a pleasure to have around, you would not be unreasonable to point out she isn't welcome until she stops being so critical of you. Or invite her, make a lot less effort and pull her up every time she whinges.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:29

Of course you’re not all me, I have fabulous christmases with people I like! OP doesn’t want to be with her MIL...

GreenTulips · 19/08/2018 15:30

How old are the kids?

Could you book a holiday somewhere warm for you all - it's really cheap between Christmas and new year

Speak to your DH and say you want a quiet Christmas and invite his mum for Boxing Day only.

Tell you - no cooking etc as have Boxing Day as Christmas Day

Alternatively hand over ALL preparations to DH cooking cleaning shopping and let his mum moan at him 'Oh DH brought the gifts' 'DH did the food shop'

Then see how he feels about it

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 15:34

I think there's a kind of obsession nowadays with Christmas having to be absolutely perfect, and only spent with people we really like, doing things we really want to do. It's totally unrealistic and the kind of attitude that leads to selfish and exclusive behaviour.

sonjadog · 19/08/2018 15:34

Yes, I agree user.

SugarPlumLairy · 19/08/2018 15:34

YANBU.

your Mik has a responsibility to herself to have her own friends and interests. If she wants a standing invite to your family’s Xmas she should be NICE.

My PILS are needy and unp,easing to me, the first Christmas I spent with their son they insisted I spend it with them as they’d be alone otherwise. So off I went to a home that was not decorated for Xmas, there was a small chicken, an even smaller (burnt) pud and lots and LOTS of sly digs at me. It was a shit Xmas.

The following year I refused to go so we agreed to have them to ours with my family. They were rude, treated me like staff, even saying it was like being at a nice hotel when I got the Boxing Day breakfasts cooked up. It became the norm. They were never kind and I became quite resentful, they spoilt Christmas for me. Finally we adopted a gorgeous little girl and Mil was rude, saying “it’s not really family, not a real grandchild” . Guess who didn’t get an invite to your first family Xmas that year, or any other Xmas thereafter.

People reap what they sow.

Have YOUR Xmas. She can spend boxing day with you.
You deserve Christmas too. You deserve for your needs to be acknowledged too.

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 15:36

With you all the way, User. Odd that your mum's kindness failed to rub off on you, OP.

Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 15:37

For people who are saying that I am not considering dh's feelings, that's not true. As I said I have spent every single Christmas and Boxing Day with her because of this.

He has a difficult relationship with his mother. I don't want to go into too much detail but she expects a lot out of him including financially. He doesn't particularly enjoy spending time with her either, but of course he loves her as she is his mum. She is a difficult person to be around. He doesn't like some of the things she has said to me in the past and he has had strong words with her about it.

Other posters have said that we get to spend every day together during the year. That is not true either, we spend little time together and I just wanted one Christmas where I can relax and spend time with him. I feel like I'm always doing everything to suit everyone else and never put my feelings first. I just want to be able to do this once for my own sanity.

OP posts:
MustShowDH · 19/08/2018 15:37

Sounds rubbish, but I think you have to suck it up.

I don't get on brilliantly with my inlaws, but my husband is an only child and I can't expect him to leave his parents on their own at Christmas - and they're not even Christians! (Hindu.)

However, I knew he was an only child when I met him, so I knew they were part of the package even if they drive me nuts.

Get a dog - they're a great excuse to leave the house for a solitary walk even on Xmas day!

BlueberryPud · 19/08/2018 15:37

You deserve for your needs to be acknowledged too

It's not a need, it's a want.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:38

You don’t have to suck it up, you can discuss it with your DH and if he still wants to go, you can make your own arrangements. You don’t owe her anything.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:39

Neither does your DH but that’s his choice.

AnnaMagnani · 19/08/2018 15:40

If he doesn't like her either, then that's doubly difficult.It sounds as if he has FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - towards her. He loves her because she's his mum, but she's not a great mum and actually there is probably a whole other backstory here.

Can I suggest the books Toxic Inlaws and Toxic Parents by Susan Forward for you and him?

GreenTulips · 19/08/2018 15:40

I think you need to put it to your DH that you've accommodated everyone every year and this year you will be doing Christmas your way.

I don't think we need to get into 'but we always do X' it's not fair on anybody.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:40

Actually I believe it is a need. But why should the MILs, needs, wants, whatevers take preference? She’s had LOADS of Christmases with the OPs DH already.

wombatron · 19/08/2018 15:41

I watch this with interest as it's a similar situation here. DH's mother is 'alone' in the sense of she has no blood family around her (she/DH moved country) aside from us, and although if we held Christmas here we would naturally have her over with everyone, if we go to my parents (6 hour drive) I personally wouldn't necessarily want to invite her with us as I would also want that time with just my family and to see friends who I don't see very much throughout the year.
Where my parents live you really need to drive so to go out she'd be reliant on us and only us and it's a different vibe when the two families are together. She does have a companion that has been around for a number of years so she's not totally alone.

We settled on rotating for 3 years as DM works still so we have Xmas day here, and then at my sisters then mums. Every other year that we travel we go to them on the Boxing Day so that it's only 1 in 3 that MIL is 'alone'. This seems to work for us.

Not everyone is a perfectly blended family with their in laws and that's ok!

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 15:42

Actually she does. She wouldn't have her husband without her MiL.

Xenadog · 19/08/2018 15:42

I agree wholeheartedly with MeyMary. Speak to DH. Why doesn’t he have his DC every other Christmas Day as well? I’d be tempted to see if you could have the DC and your MiL all over on Christmas Day and then it’s over and done with in one day.

I’d stop treading on egg shells with her and that would begin immediately. As soon as she is rude, call her on it. Make sure DH knows you are unhappy with the way she treats you and that you will not tolerate it. Tell him you expect his support. If she continues to be rude/critical then let him know she will not be welcome at Christmas and he can tell her that.

If she does come to you at Christmas give her jobs to do; get her peeling spuds, making a trifle or whatever. She isn’t paying you to wait on her so can get stuck in along with everyone else.

I think your DH Is in a tricky position as he is an only child and has the responsibility and guilt on his shoulders. His mother could obviously have had relationships since she divorced but chose not to. This probably adds to his feelings of responsibility.

Whatever happens, plan the Christmas you want (with or without MIL) and then if she wants to join you both she slots in with it’s what you’re planning. She does it with good grace and, if not, ensure she knows she isn’t invited again.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:44

If these people have no friends in their life it’s not the OPs fault. Leave and cleave, they are adults.

wombatron · 19/08/2018 15:48

And yes to what xena has said. We had to politely inform MIL one Christmas that it wasn't table service and she was expected to take her plate to the kitchen when she was done. If you say nothing, then nothing can be done.

I don't have the best relationship with her, but we get along nicely once the expectation has been set, though both her and my own mother seem to have decided they must be waited on as they've gotten older. Grin

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 15:49

No one said it's the OP's 'fault'. But it's not as black and white as you're making it out to be. At Christmas time all kinds of family dynamics come into play, and it's not all about pleasing yourself, or making yourself happy. The OP knowingly married someone who had a difficult rather isolated mother, and children from a previous marriage.
She can't just magic all that away at Christmas time.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/08/2018 15:49

I get you OP..To me christmas is a time where I run around trying to please everyone else..it drives me insane..i am sure it brings out the worst in people...so many expectations of all kinds ..I am honestly glad when its all done ...I dont enjoy I endure and breathe a sigh of relief when its done and things have all gone back to normal...too much drama too many issues too many egos ..no answer for you but just wanted you to know I totally get you ..nothing wrong with feeling resentful when you try to do your best and someone with an attitude thinks its ok and its all about them....and you are the selfish one,err no you are not! and i dont think you are being unreasonable at all

BasicUsername · 19/08/2018 15:52

OP, have you ever tried calling her out on it every time she is rude to you?

You say that she has behaved awfully to you, and you have always been polite in response.

You need to start calling her out for every little thing, right now. You don't have to be nasty about it, just make sure that you are very firm and no nonsense.

I'd suggest that you do this, and see if you can 'train' her / get her to adjust her attitude. Then decide what to do about Christmas closer to the time.

Don't just put up with being treated like shit because you want to be seen as "nice".

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:52

She can't just magic all that away at Christmas time.

She can you know!

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 15:55

No, she can't. She can upset a lot of people by refusing to acknowledge them, but that's not magicing it away.

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