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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
BigBlueBubble · 19/08/2018 14:44

OP, it’s your MIL’s own fault if she has damaged her relationship with you to the point where you don’t want to see her at Christmas. So what if she’s alone - it’s her own fault. Book a holiday and get away from her.

Butterflycookie · 19/08/2018 14:44

Could you not get mil to host Christmas for once? Then you don’t have to do anything and just put your feet up.

AjasLipstick · 19/08/2018 14:49

Bloody miserable of you OP.

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 14:52

YABU. How would your DH feel knowing his mother is being left on her own over Christmas? Your mother is kindly prepared to host you all, so you don't even get landed with all the work.

Christmas isn't just about suiting yourself. It's about looking out for family and making sure no one is lonely or left out.

missyB1 · 19/08/2018 14:56

So you want your parents over for Xmas but not your Mil? Not fair I'm afraid.

Sp here's my suggestion, Mil over for Xmas day, but on Boxing day your dh you and his kids go over to Mil's for tea. That means you have most of the day without her and you can leave to go home when it suits you.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 14:57

Christmas isn't just about suiting yourself. It's about looking out for family and making sure no one is lonely or left out.

Except the OP herself according to your reasoning. How is that fair?

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 14:59

It would only be unfair if it was being suggested OP spend the day by herself.

mightbemarkedforever · 19/08/2018 15:00

Wear her shoes

Or imagine it was your mum

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:01

Don’t wear her shoes, why would you? She’s not your mum, she’s a woman who isn’t being nice to you. She’s made her bed, leave her in it.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:03

It would only be unfair if it was being suggested OP spend the day by herself.

That’s what she’ll be doing is she doesn’t want to go to MIL.

BlueberryPud · 19/08/2018 15:04

I would just like one of those days off every few years to enjoy myself

Don't you see your dh every day? Christmas day is different to others, inasmuch as it's much sadder to be alone.

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 15:04

But the OP isn't lonely or left out cleaning. She's just having to spend time with someone she finds a bit of hard work over the festive season. Welcome to the world!

Some of my family get on my nerves over Christmas, but I wouldn't dream of thinking or suggesting that they should be left on their own.

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 15:05

Don't be ridiculous. She wants to spend Christmas without her MiL but with her husband. Can you not read?

lunar1 · 19/08/2018 15:05

I couldn't leave someone alone for Christmas. Make a special day for you and your Dh a few days before or after.

BlueberryPud · 19/08/2018 15:07

Start booking Christmas away

But won't that mean OP's husband won't see his own children over Christmas? I think that's asking too much.

NewYearNewMe18 · 19/08/2018 15:08

YBVVVU. Christmas is a family time.

mightbemarkedforever · 19/08/2018 15:08

It's shit to leave her
Imagine if your dh was dead

Sorry I always think of the phrase
One mum can look after a thousand children
But a thousand children can't look after a mum

If your mum was alone and your husband wanted to be with just you and leave your mum would you be ok with that ?

I wouldn't

mightbemarkedforever · 19/08/2018 15:09

As @user1485342611 said

Welcome to the real world

QuoadUltra · 19/08/2018 15:14

YABU to leave her on her own at Christmas.

There are lots of ways of diluting her or improving things as pp suggest but this seems like a power play over your DH’s emotions.

BlueberryPud · 19/08/2018 15:15

It's only one day. OP can have the other 364 days to enjoy alone time with her husband. It's shit to be on your own on Christmas Day, unless you have chosen it, and you have an option not to be alone.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/08/2018 15:17

OP, I can empathise, but I do think on balance YABU.

I have a very difficult relationship with my MIL (despite years of trying on my part, nothing I do will ever be good enough) and since FIL is in poor health we will likely be in your situation in the not too distant future. The thing is, I could never ask my DH to leave his DM alone on Christmas day, even if it means I know I won't enjoy the day myself anymore. I wouldn't leave my own DM alone at Christmas so it would be massively hypocritical. I suppose I could tell myself "that's different because my DM is lovely and DH's isn't", but that would be a cop out. The reality is that she's his DM so he feels a sense of obligation towards her and I understand that. Even if my own DM was a complete pain in the arse, I would still hate the thought of her being all alone in an empty house on Christmas day.

sonjadog · 19/08/2018 15:22

I could never leave a relative out of the family Christmas like that. One thing if you are away somewhere and no-one will be joining your nuclear family, but having a family Christmas with your parents and not allowing your MiL to join you - to me that is a really horrible thing to do. So I say your mother is right and YABU.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 15:23

user1485342611 we’re not all you though. My MIL behaved atrociously the entire Christmas she invited herself to us, DH cowed never to spend Christmas with her again. You might put up with it, others don’t. If you don’t likd it but are being a martyr, that’s your choice. The OP doesn’t like it.

user1485342611 · 19/08/2018 15:24

But OPs MIL isn't behaving 'atrociously' and OP's husband hasn't 'vowed never to spend Christmas with her again'.

We're not all you, either.

MeyMary · 19/08/2018 15:26

If I were the OP I'd try to talk with my DH (especially about her being overly critical).

I'd try to stop walking on eggshells and stop accepting rude behaviour (backed up by DH). Politely but firmly.

If that doesn't work? MIL might not be invited to the next Christmas...