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Original poster

To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

264 replies

pytr · 19/08/2018 13:35

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it Sad.

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am Sad and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
PasstheStarmix · 19/08/2018 14:21

Hi op, I think it’s a difficult situation when parents could be left on their own if your don’t have them. I have been in similar situations myself. I would suggest trying to organise somewhere else for your MIL to go to? Is there absolutely nobody else who could have her? If there isn’t could you maybe suggest all going out for Christmas dinner this year so at least you don’t have to cook?

sprinklesandsauce · 19/08/2018 14:21

I know it is difficult, but I do think YABU. My XMIL was difficult to get on with, but I still tried to include her in Christmas . We went to my parents each year and invited her to come along. She would never cook Christmas dinner herself and I didn't want to miss out on my family Christmas to sit in her pristine house worried that DD was going to make a mess, plus have a 2 hour trip on Christmas day.

My mum would invite her, to make life easier for me and your mum clearly thinks that she is doing the same.

Much as I thought XMIL was difficult, I still couldn't see her spend Christmas on her own, although one year she did, totally by her own choice as she flat out refused to go to any of her children.

I would talk to your DH though and see if you can drop her on Boxing Day. Can you all go out for the day, to something that she wouldn't want to do ?

Flickerfromview · 19/08/2018 14:21

Can you not suggest that you are doing Christmas Day on Boxing Day...for the DC's. Santa, stockings, the works and invite her to that. Big it up and invite her, give her a role in helping. That becomes Christmas Day and nobody misses out.

Make Christmas Day very low key. Tell her you aren't really celebrating, not cooking a big meal etc. She wouldn't need to be with you for that and the two of you can have a romantic and very cosy Christmas Day

Nikephorus · 19/08/2018 14:23

For all these people trying to beat OP up for not wanting MIL there both days every year for the rest of eternity, maybe OP wouldn't mind so much if MIL was pleasant, and helpful, and generally nice to be around? And maybe didn't just assume every single time?

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 14:24

Amabelle, sorry but your way with dealing with it (hiding in the kitchen cooking whilst your MIL enjoyed time with her son and grandkids for 20 years) was very passive.

I'm glad you will enjoy your first Xmas with your family without MIL.

Teaandcrisps · 19/08/2018 14:25

I would go along with it this year tbh but when the snarks and dagger comments appear - answer right back. She keeps coming back because she can act how she wants. I would make it that little less comfortable each year Grin.

Original poster
pytr · 19/08/2018 14:26

I really don't understand this kind of mentality

"No one should be alone at Christmas if they don’t Want to be.To be rejected by your son because his new partner doesn’t like you would be so hurtful and damage any future relationship with her. You are being selfish. It’s two days! Maybe if the stepchildren and dad go to her for Boxing Day you can have your me time then"

So why is MILs need to not be alone more important than mine? It's ok for me to spend Boxing Day alone but not her? I haven't said that I want to spend Christmas alone, I would obviously like to spend it with my husband! Also I'm not really a new partner we have been together a few years. She has already damaged the relationship long ago. You would be shocked at some of the things she has said to me. In response I have been dignified and have never been anything but nice to her.
I just want to point out that I have spent all Christmas days & boxing days with her since we have been together. I would just like one of those days off every few years to enjoy myself. I'm not saying that I won't ever spend Christmas with her.
But I can see from people's responses that this won't be possible!

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 19/08/2018 14:27

Just say no, what's the problem. Say it now so ppl can make other plans. Have a rota, one year each.. alone, with mum, with mil- when is she inviting your mum back?

MintTulips · 19/08/2018 14:27

It's not all of eternity though is it? She's old and there will be plenty of Christmasses when the OP doesn't have any parents at all to concern herself with.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 14:27

Tell your DH what you havd said above. If he still wants to be with his mother, you go somewhere else.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 14:28

She's old

How do you know?!

redshoeblueshoe · 19/08/2018 14:28

My DC are adults, so I let them make the decision where they spend Christmas.
Last year I was ill, so I stayed home, they all did their own thing. I was surprised how much I enjoyed it Grin

BasicSAHM · 19/08/2018 14:28

I feel bad for her and you too OP. Sad she’s alone but you should be able to relax and spend quality time with your family too. My husband and I split the day up with our families. Mine in the morning for brunch and his for dinner. Maybe you can something similar for Christmas Day? Take her out for a nice pub lunch?

Bluelady · 19/08/2018 14:29

It'll be possible but probably not as nice as you think with your husband feeling thoroughly guilty and your mum thinking you're mean.

arranfan · 19/08/2018 14:29

Childhood of miserable Christmases decided me that I wasn't going to let myself in for this voluntarily as an adult.

Don't allow anyone to ruin Christmas for you with their expectations - it doesn't sound enjoyable for anyone. Unless your MiL's idea of a good time is being unpleasant to others, this isn't good for her.

Start booking Christmas away. Even volunteer as a family at Christmas. You will never please others so you might as well do something that suits you and improves your life and wellbeing.

PollyFlinderz · 19/08/2018 14:30

Op, to be honest I think it sounds like a lovely Christmas and the only thing wrong with it is that you dont like your MIL.

But thats said I do have an open house for Eid and for Christmas no questions asked and Ive had people here for these celebrations I didnt now beforehand and I haven't seen since.

In fact its Eid in a few days and Im fully expecting my children to turn up with people who would have been alone otherwise. And it will be the same at Christmas - us, extended family from far and wide including my childrens inlaws, friends, my childrens friends and colleagues - in fact I once had most of the crew of an aircraft turn up in their uniforms off a flight and use their suitcases to sit on when I ran out of chairs. Anyone actually. If you need company you can come here and there's always enough to eat for everyone.

Just think of the meaning behind Christmas and there being no room at the Inn for a family who were in need.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/08/2018 14:31

I haven't read the whole thread, pytr, just your last post but I think you could have that, we do it too - we spend Christmas Even with my mum (as she's European so celebrates that day) and Christmas Day at home.

I'll go back and read your thread now but it seems to me that your husband will need to bend a bit here - he can't insist that YOU spend two days every year with his mother. He can stay there by himself for the extra day if he wants to - and I suspect that without you there he wouldn't want to do that, would fall in line with the 'one day' at Christmas suggestion.

We have a right to have time for ourselves too; not everybody wants to be shoved together for a whole season that's gone way beyond reasonable to pure commercial madness.

LanaorAna2 · 19/08/2018 14:33

Where do people get the idea that Christmas is one long hedonism rollercoaster? Where?

OP, it's decision time. Either you take MIL, cook her lunch and demand a handsome reward in Jan from your DH, or tell everyone your parents have got flu or DV and go to stay with them for as long as you want.

I favour option 1. Because it only lasts a day and I'd like an outing in Jan.

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 14:34

It sounds like a lovely Christmas for everyone except OP.

MintTulips · 19/08/2018 14:35

Polly your house sounds absolutely wonderful!

Once my mum took in 7 American students I sort of knew, when they were stranded at Heathrow and couldn't get back to the States in time. It was everything Christmas is supposed to be about.

iamyourequal · 19/08/2018 14:36

I sympathise OP. My DH is an only child and his mum is on her own. We have her over to stay for several days every Christmas. I do all the cooking. We get on best we can, but have nothing in common so it’s a terrible strain at times, (and she is a fussy eater, which truly makes me mad!) I can’t see it ever changing though as I would feel terrible if she was left on her own and thought she wasn’t welcome. I think it’s the kind of sacrifice you make in marriage. I find vodka helps me through Christmas (and champagne, gin , rum....lol).

flamingox · 19/08/2018 14:38

It's your Christmas too, I'd make Boxing Day the "Christmas Day" with the kids and MiL and have actual Christmas Day just you and DH.

Mention it now, say you're not keen on doing two big days so you'll be doing it on Boxing Day to include the kids and you'll be having a pyjama film day on Christmas Day.

ToadsforJustice · 19/08/2018 14:39

You should spend Christmas how you choose. It's really just another day. If you don't enjoy MIL company why be a martyr and put up with it? Do something with your DH - just the two of you.

BigBlueBubble · 19/08/2018 14:40

Could you have Xmas with mum every other year? So DH goes to his mum's those years? Seems a shame to miss your mum's last few Christmases
@ShumpaLumpa that would require a conversation to make MIL understand why we couldn’t host both her and my DM at the same time. Which would mean bringing up her past behaviour towards me (which is why my DM won’t be in the same room with MIL, because she’s angry about how MIL has treated me). It’s complicated by the fact that DH refuses to admit that MIL has treated me like shit.

If we went to have dinner separately with our own parents there’d be an argument about who took DC with them. And if we stay at home MIL expects to come to our house. I can’t invite my DM and tell MIL she can’t come without opening a whole can of worms.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2018 14:43

Op my mum is in the same situation as your MIL, however she prefers Christmas alone, as the kids can get too noisy, and she is a right old misery. The option is always there, that she can come, and the door is open for her. It is mean to leave your dh mum alone at Christmas of all times, when it is meant to be for the family. I would support him, having his mum on Christmas day. However, can he not take his mum back at the end of the day.