4 gift rule for xmas - anyone else?

[xhannahx]

This year will be dh and I first as a family of 3, DD will be 10 months old. We also have another baby on the way due in April.

We have spent a fair amount of time recently discussing our feelings towards gift giving at Christmas and birthdays.

Dh and I have been a couple for nearly 11 years, and have never bought each other gifts at Christmas or birthdays, neither of us feel them to be necessary, we just like to enjoy each other's company and will often plan a short trip, nice meal etc instead.

I would like our children to grow up valuing time with family and friends on special occasions, rather than viewing them as a time they are bombarded with gifts, and therefore we are thinking about adopting the 4 gift rule:
Something they want
Something they need
Something to wear
Something to read

I don't want to completely deprive them of gifts at Xmas, but find the excess a little obnoxious and it has never sat right with me.

My question is, has anyone else chosen this route? How has it worked out?

If you do do this, how do you deal with other family members? Do you ask for no gifts, 1 gift...really not sure how to approach the topic fairly for all parties but feel very strongly that Xmas should not be a time for excessive gift giving.

Thanks!

We have never been into the 'mountain' of Christmas presents, of course presents are lovely but it isn't (for mine & DH's family) the focus of what Christmas is. And I never get the view that 'seeing your child's face light up at all the presents is the highlight of Christmas' - it certainly isn't the highlight of my Christmas.

But of course, we come over as frightfully worthy and mc.

Every.single.year. there will be loads of threads on MN after Christmas about people being skint etc etc - because they have spent too much on presents and/or overwhelmed with too much 'stuff' to store.

@dobby how can you know what your child's want will be in Christmas 2018? I'd make the bike a need or add a what parents want to give category maybe?

I quite like this way but interested in how it would work.
Dd would want straighteners £100+ then something to wear would be £50+
Dd 2 a surprise doll £10 then something to wear £10+
Ds a x box £250 ish something to wear £20+

I couldn't do that as I feel I should spend roughly the same on each child.

Presents are part of the magic of Christmas. By presents I mean something to open as part of the fun. They don’t have to be expensive. They could be home made. I loved it when the children were young. I loved it when the grandchildren were young. Now I get a Christmas sack and fill it with various things wrapped up. Some are useful, like pyjamas, a book, other small items, in fact anything I see as I look around. My husband does the same for me. There have been Christmases when there has been no money for presents other than the children but choosing not to buy presents is another thing. Enjoying the family visits is a given surely! Presents are like decorations, fun and an expression of love and thought.

I'm all for the keeping the FC magic going so all the presents DH & I buy are from FC (with the exception of one small gift each from us). They get quite a few gifts each, but I also wrap toiletries, toothbrushes, pj's, clothes etc which makes the pile look bigger. They also receive gifts from family & friends & they spend time after Christmas writing thank you notes, and they buy their sibling a gift too (along with grandparents, aunts etc). The only gifts they get throughout the year are for birthdays, a game to share at Easter & a small gift for a good school report. They've never been the kid who screams for everything every time they walk into a toy shop. They usually get an Amazon voucher from family for either Christmas or birthday so they use that if they want to but DVD's/books throughout the year.

So I don't get the 4 gift rule. Surely it's irrelevant whether you spend £250 on 4 expensive gifts or £250 on 20 smaller gifts (just using that value as an example). Buy what suits your child, financial circumstances, space in the house etc. I also don't get the FB display of gifts, that in itself is vulgar.

As an aside, Eliasor, do you really say that gifts from family/friends are from Santa? How do your children thank 'Aunt Sally' etc if they're unaware they've received gifts from them? I think a big part of Christmas/birthdays is your children showing their gratitude (thank you letter etc) to the gift giver.

I still can’t understand how people can be simultaneously ‘drowning in tat’ ‘have enough toys already’ and doing this 4 gifts thing?
Even funnier is those putting 4 big ticket items into the poem and saying it’s the same thing, which it isn’t. The poem is meant to be ‘thrifty’ and encourage lower spending and less ‘spoiling’

I have three older kids, all over 16 and a little one age 7. When my big kids were little they ONLY ever got presents/toys/DVDs etc twice a year, on Christmas and Birthday. We were tight on money so saved for these occasions and couldn’t have had random gifts at other times of year because the cost would have been times three.
My little one is given a lot of small gifts and little toys like blind bags (but isn’t spoiled) throughout the year because we have more disposable income now and because there is only one of her.

But all 4 kids have pretty huge piles at Christmas and none of it is is tat, none of it is broken by Boxing Day and all of it is greatly appreciated. It is one day of the year where we rejoice in the most special birth in all of history and where a little excess is part of that celebration. We also allow chocolate for breakfast and eating roast turkey until we explode.

These threads also tend to run on the “and they have so many other presents from family” lines.
My kids now have one set of grandparents who buy them a modest present and a grandmother who gives them £10 in a card. So everything they want and need has to come from us.
Personally I think one book or one dvd for a whole year (my kids were born pre Netflix) is mean so they had at least 3 of each of those before we even started on the new dressing gown, doll, clothes for doll, Xbox, game for Xbox etc etc.

By all means, follow the poem if that is what you want to do, but don’t sneer at those of us who do it differently. And sneering at those of us who’ve been parents for over 20 years is really pretty silly too. You have no idea what your child’s wants and needs and attitude will change over the years, and that includes your own attitude changing.

I grew up getting 3 or 4 gifts and this is pretty much the norm in my country. There would be a big gift that i really wanted (a bike, a doll house, a really cool game), a practical gift that was fancier than what my mom would usually buy and might be a better brand (maybe a character duvet, cool clothes with characters, etc), books (many books) and crafting or art supplies. It was plenty. What i remember the most were the games we played and the joy we had baking cake together.

I got toys, art supplies and stuff i needed troughout the year. It was not a money issue at all.

We are not drowning in tat. I do not wish to and feel the poem helps with that. It's about making Christmas simpler for me, not thriftier or cheaper.

From my own observation, parents complaining about drowning in tat are often the ones buying a lot (in number) of at Christmas/Birthday.

On a practical level, how do you even find the time to open so many gifts in a family of 4 before you go to Church in the morning?

Not everybody goes to church stargirl1701

I also resent the assumption that those of us who like to give lots of presents are buying tat.

Oh and my dc have a large pile of presents each, no I don't post photos of this on Facebook. The two are not mutually exclusive.

No church for us either.

Christmas is a jesus free zone here. Like many families.

Like many families.

I agree speakout but i'd go further and say "Like most families" Belief in any religion is in the minority and then not everyone wo is religious is a Christian. You can safely add in some people who aren't religious but go to church for whatever reason but I would still think that people who attend church on Christmas day are in the minority.

I think people's ideas of 'tat' are different. To me Tat is anything that's not really got a use, funny novelty items that are useless, cheap toys from Poundland that last 5 minutes, toys where pieces go missing and then they become useless and things that don't do what they are meant to do (chocolate coin maker as an example).

Yes you can have a pile of gifts that's not tat, clothes that will get worn all year, toys that are well made and wanted (I still believe if you have to many toys a lot doesn't get played with, best to have a couple well love toys than a pile that you have to tidy up every day after they have been chucked over the floor and not played with) and things that will get used a lot like headphones, stationary and books.

I am guilty of buying tat in the past and buying way too much to the point the dd's were overwhelmed and fed up of opening presents. It's taken me years to rid my house of tat and broken toys, the dd's are now older, they have iPads and phones, they don't really need much more so I can't think of what to buy to provide them with a pile of presents. Doesn't mean I'm tight as I will probably spend more this year on 4 or 5 gifts than previous year where they have had 20 gifts.

Oh, and I don't go to church, my parents are christians but I am not. I do still celebrate Christmas as a time to spend with family and a time to buy gifts and stuff my face with cheese, pudding and turkey.

Not everyone goes to church.

Tat to me is about the cheap novelty items people buy that usually end up in landfill or unbranded toys from bargain stores. We've had one branded toy break in all the years of toys and the shop replaced. Decent toys and respectful children makes for items that will last and can be passed on.

I wouldn't be happy with the 4 presents system, after all Christmas comes from a mid winter pagan festival which was all about enjoying yourself to excess because it would be back to gruel and hard work afterwards. I like to see big piles of exciting looking parcels.
Having said that we don't buy in a profligate way and my sons would have several books, games that would be good to share, music, chocolate and the sort of clothes that are exciting rather than boring.
There was always a big ticket item from us plus most of the rest from Father Christmas. The net effect of this is that most new items come into the house over Christmas or for birthdays but they are all valued and carefully chosen. I can't abide stinginess. As for not buying DH a Christmas or birthday present - unthinkable, we both take great pleasure in buying really nice things for each other and arranging special days out.

I would still think that people who attend church on Christmas day are in the minority

As a church-going person, I'd agree with this. I've never in my life been to Mass on Christmas morning. Christmas Eve/midnight mass in one form or another, but never on Christmas morning. Most people I know from class going on Christmas Eve as "good enough", especially when Christmas Day can be so busy with all the visiting people often have to fit in.

Christmas morning church services are usually pretty full (although I expect that it is still the minority of the population). In our pervious village it used to be standing room only .

I think it’s not a bad rule and books have always been one of my favourite presents to be honest... I don’t think you can’t ask everyone to stick to it though. I suppose you could maybe politely ask family to only buy one gift.
Buying kids lots of presents doesn’t make them spoiled or unappreciative of spending time with family though. Kids copy their parents so if you make family time a priority (and fun) then they will appreciate it. If you’re generous with them (this doesn’t have to be tonnes of Christmas presents) then they will learn to be generous.
Some of the meanest people I know were kids that got very little gifts as a child and no parental support the minute they turned 18 (something that’s often talked about on mn).

You could also start a tradition on having a new family game to play every year but keep it a secret beforehand so there’s still the element of surprise but also family time.

* I would still think that people who attend church on Christmas day are in the minority*

My church is standing room only on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It seats 1200 people, I live in a small town/large village on the outskirts of Glasgow. Easter is also a busy time.