4 gift rule for xmas - anyone else?

[xhannahx]

This year will be dh and I first as a family of 3, DD will be 10 months old. We also have another baby on the way due in April.

We have spent a fair amount of time recently discussing our feelings towards gift giving at Christmas and birthdays.

Dh and I have been a couple for nearly 11 years, and have never bought each other gifts at Christmas or birthdays, neither of us feel them to be necessary, we just like to enjoy each other's company and will often plan a short trip, nice meal etc instead.

I would like our children to grow up valuing time with family and friends on special occasions, rather than viewing them as a time they are bombarded with gifts, and therefore we are thinking about adopting the 4 gift rule:
Something they want
Something they need
Something to wear
Something to read

I don't want to completely deprive them of gifts at Xmas, but find the excess a little obnoxious and it has never sat right with me.

My question is, has anyone else chosen this route? How has it worked out?

If you do do this, how do you deal with other family members? Do you ask for no gifts, 1 gift...really not sure how to approach the topic fairly for all parties but feel very strongly that Xmas should not be a time for excessive gift giving.

Thanks!

Personally I hate that fucking rhyme.

By all means have the Christmas you want but I think the rhyme is just an excuse to be mean and parsimonious for no reason and it's the exact opposite if the spirit of Christmas.

I was just thinking about how we do Christmas and it's not dissimilar to how we do it now.

We do one main gift from us - the special gift (usually bloody expensive - iPhone, computer, lap top etc) and then a stocking - but our stocking include stuff like deodorants, electric toothbrushes, card games, clothes, books and chocolate type stuff.. One year it was new bedding! Basically stuff they actually needed. This mainly came about when they were roughly 10 years old ish and they stopped wanting 'stuff'.

However, when the kids were younger we brought far more (obviously less expensive stuff than an iphone) toys and books because that's what they wanted. I rarely buy them anything outside of Xmas and Christmas (except clothes).

I don't think anyone is thinking your children are poor and deprived You just buy them presents throughout the year rather than limiting to Christmas and birthdays.

I do something similar, for a couple of reasons - cost, space, and children just getting overwhelmed with too many presents to open.
They get one present from us and one from Santa from their Christmas list, plus a stocking with chocolate, bath stuff, small things like Lego/playmobil figures, socks.
They also get (from us) some Christmas books/annuals, pyjamas and new bedding, any clothes they need - so there are lots of things to open.
They get presents from grandparents too and always seem to have more than enough.

I don't buy any toys except Christmas and birthdays, and only buy clothes when absolutely necessary so generally they get most of their clothes at Christmas (usually top up their shorts at the beginning of the summer!).

People that buy piles of toys at Christmas must live in much bigger houses than me

@nhsparent this is exactly it, they will of course receive a variety of gifts, with a main one most likely expensive and appreciated. Not all good behaviour would be rewarded, but some exceptional circumstances would, and this is where extra "gifts" would come into the picture.

I do however think people are taking all of this VERY literally. As in all good behaviour will be rewarded with gifts, that's just ridiculous.

I also think that the idea that children are given absolutely nothing by way of gifts throughout the year is not particularly honest (although may be for you). Perhaps we just view "gifts" differently.

All those who are claiming they don't buy their children so much as a DVD or magazine throughout the year are in my opinion either not being honest with themselves OR don't view these as gifts. To me they are. Children should appreciate what is given to them regardless of if they want it, if they like it, how much it cost, if it's homemade...if children fail to see this in my opinion this is entitlement, and not something I would be happy with.

You might want to give it a while...your DD is very young. Children benefit from toys and so do you if you ever want to get anything done! If you want to give them at a different time of year then so be it. As they get older the four gift rule is easier and makes more sense in my opinion but not for little ones.

@seasickcrocodile that's fair, there are lots of things I have said I would do as a parent and when the time comes I have done the total opposite!

I think OP has a very refreshing approach to the whole Christmas present dilemma. The pressure which is put on people to buy, buy, buy in the run up to Christmas gets worse every year and it is SO unnecessary and quite often a waste of money when the child abandons most of the toys/gifts before the holidays are over. DH and I are not buying for each other this year (2 of the presents I gave him last year are still unopened!!), apart from a couple of cheap, fun items. I think the most sickening aspect of the whole 'who can give their child most presents' was a picture in the papers last year of a Christmas tree which had almost disappeared under the towering pile of presents which one mother had bought for her child!

We're doing this this year!
My husband thought it was the best thing he'd ever heard when I told him the 'poem'
It's far too easy to buy little bits here and there and end up with loads of presents. I've done it a few times too many

I was one of those children that came down on Christmas morning to a huge (filled the whole sitting room) pile of presents, and even as a young child it made me uncomfortable.
The thing I loved most was the stocking on the bed.

My ideal Christmas was the one in little women film. (The 1949 one) where the sisters all buy themselves a small present. A sheet of music for Beth, gloves for Meg etc. I absolutely loved that and it's something I still aspire to!

I don't mind what family buy. They usually buy one thing each, ILs always want to buy a 'big' thing, this year it's an electric drum kit!! They always ask my opinion on what they want/need.

My children are 5 & 3 and all going well I'll have a newborn this year too :)

OP you say that in nearly 11 years you and your partner have never bought each other birthday or Christmas gifts. But in your last post TWICE you accuse people of NOT being honest when they say they do not buy gifts and toys other than Birthdays and Christmas. Judgey much?

@kc225 that is 100%fact...we do not buy each other gifts, we I stead plan a trip or go out for dinner.

I didn't have traditional Christmases as a child in that I had a very disfunctional mother. One Christmas she wrapped up an empty box and made me save it until last as my "special gift". Needless to say I have learnt to value a safe place to live and lovely people around me over gifts.

Believe what you want, there are no gifts between dh and I, and that's pretty much all year round tbh.

Toys are really important for development. And a good range of toys at that.
So no, I don't follow this stupid rule.
And I do find this MN idea that kids who have toys don't get family time or lots of "experiences" hilarious. Get over yourselves

DH and usually just got each other token stuff or set a limit to make it more interesting when we were just the two of us - we'd usually go for a meal or whatever instead. However we have made more of an effort since the DC were toddlers upwards as I think it's important for them to see that it's an important part of a relationship to surprise and give gifts to a partner or family member. Obviously that doesn't necessarily need to be limited to or only linked to birthday and christmases but these events are important to children and I think need to be apporpriately recognised for the opportunity to be generous and thoughtful with gifts and time. As I said, obviously you need to have the christmas that you feel appropriate but please don't perpetuate that awful awful rhyme.

@oly5...read the whole thread

I can hand on heart say that mine don't get any things throughout the year, at all.

DVDs we don't buy ever. But we have netflix and nowTV

Magazines - they have first news. The annual subscription is a gift from their uncle each Christmas and they share it. DS1 got a Marvel Unlimited subscription from his grandparents last year for his birthday.

Toys and other gifts eg music CDs and general "stuff" - Christmas and birthdays only.

Books - essential in this family since we are all bookworms but other than getting a couple of box sets each at christmas and another one for birthday then these come from the library, along with audio books. I couldn't keep up otherwise.

I actually think the reverse to you. I do of course think its possible to go too crazy at Christmas but I also think a nice pile of stuff to last and appreciate throughout the year without an expectation that gifts come along regularly for no real reason is more healthy. DS1 has wanted a particular PS4 game for months now (April birthday). Learning that you can't have everything immediately or regularly is important. He'll get it at Christmas. Delayed gratification is a thing children nowadays don't get as much opportunity to learn as we did in days gone by.

If you are sticking to your rules though, another to add as they get older is a family game. 'Father Christmas' brings this for our whole family and it is generally one of the best and most used presents.

@nhsparent if I could stick to buying absolutely nothing throughout the year then I would wholeheartedly adopt your approach, but I know I couldn't. I actually don't think our values are all too dissimilar, I think we just come at it from different angles.

you're probably right

@nhsparent

In the gentlest way possible I think perhaps you might need to still process the trauma of your childhood. The empty box gift is really awful. If you want to do Christmas this way then so be it but if you’re avoiding the whole gift giving because of your own past maybe have a deeper look. It also really depends on your kids. Everyone including children need to be loved how they need to be loved. For some people that includes gifts....different love languages and all that. So I’d wait and see what kind of kids you get.

Very small children don’t really find trips to be presents. That’s a bit abstract for the little ones. They need something to hold and open. Just my two pennies worth.

I dunno, I think I do both. Probably overly generous at Christmas in particular (mine are 17 and 16 now) and luckily their birthdays are both in the summer (13 month age gap).

But the clothes when they need them and always got books when they needed them and treats on occasions such as an excellent school report/parents night.

We tried to always reward working hard at something.

Summer birthday gifts were mainly outside stuff, nerf guns/basketball nets etc.

Christmas mainly indoor stuff, lego/games etc.

They would get too much for Christmas day, but they would gradually work through things over the coming months.

There is never any expectation, have to be "encouraged" to make lists etc. They generally get any big things on these occasions or sometimes now a deposit on something more expensive which they will add their own money to as well.

They would save up and buy things during the year themselves too.

They also use their own money to buy us and each other gifts.

They have plenty of experiences and family time as well, even now they are happy to come and play board games and go places with us.

We do things at other times, but we've evolved into a having a Steak and games night on the last Saturday of the month. Their tastes have changed over the years, we used to have a pizza and movie night but they don't really watch much tv and prefer the banter of a games evening now.

@seasickcrocodile I can see why you would think this, however it isn't the motivation behind wanting to limit excess at Christmas.

i think having rules about gift giving sucks.
buy what you want, dont buy anything. we have 3 (2 now adults). i love shopping for gifts for them. its varied over the years depending on our financial circs but its always a joy watching them being opened.

I think it depends how many relatives/friends will also be giving presents.

If you are part of a big family that receive many toys/gifts from other people, just giving 4 presents yourself is fine and controls the influx of new toys.

If you do not have family/friends that give presents, then giving just 4 gifts seems sad.