4 gift rule for xmas - anyone else?

[xhannahx]

This year will be dh and I first as a family of 3, DD will be 10 months old. We also have another baby on the way due in April.

We have spent a fair amount of time recently discussing our feelings towards gift giving at Christmas and birthdays.

Dh and I have been a couple for nearly 11 years, and have never bought each other gifts at Christmas or birthdays, neither of us feel them to be necessary, we just like to enjoy each other's company and will often plan a short trip, nice meal etc instead.

I would like our children to grow up valuing time with family and friends on special occasions, rather than viewing them as a time they are bombarded with gifts, and therefore we are thinking about adopting the 4 gift rule:
Something they want
Something they need
Something to wear
Something to read

I don't want to completely deprive them of gifts at Xmas, but find the excess a little obnoxious and it has never sat right with me.

My question is, has anyone else chosen this route? How has it worked out?

If you do do this, how do you deal with other family members? Do you ask for no gifts, 1 gift...really not sure how to approach the topic fairly for all parties but feel very strongly that Xmas should not be a time for excessive gift giving.

Thanks!

I don't think it's necessary to stick to the 4 gift rule just so you don't go OTT on presents. I don't feel like I go OTT but I don't have rules either...I have a budget. I do like to do my kids a stocking as it their favourite bit and the bit they get most excited about. They get about 8 little things (I do have a set of rules for stockings as I hate tat!) and then about 3 gifts under the tree..1 main present and a couple of smaller bits.

But I never think, I'm not going to buy them something else that they really want because I've already got them one thing they want, but I haven't bought them something to wear yet so I'll do that even though they don't actually need new clothes. That makes no sense to me whatsoever! And frankly, if they really need something I just buy it anyway.

We’re doing a variation on the four gift rule. Christmas was insane last year (First grandchild on both sides!) and then her birthday a month later. This year we will have two children (I’m already 4 days over due). I’m not having outrageous piles of presents from mum & dad and santa on top of piles of stuff from everyone else! It’s just too much!

This is what we’re doing:
Something they need, to read, to wear, they want, to do, for me, for family, to eat & to make. And a stocking of little things as well from Santa.

I don't follow any rule but I usually stick to just a couple of presents. One main one and a couple of smaller ones. The stocking is full to bursting but also includes useful stuff such as socks, toothbrush, shower gel. There's also quite a bit of edible stuff in there as well as a book and a small game or toy.

. I think your plan ( with flexibility) is a good one however I don’t think you can tell other people what to do as regards present giving ( not sure whether you were planning to).
I am totally with you on not giving presents to babies although I did give my younger children small teddies or similar at Christmas and birthdays for the sake of the older siblings.
We tend to buy bigger present eg bike/ scooter/ radio/ new cricket bat or whatever from parents and then stocking with book/ dvd/pants/ socks/ toiletries/chocolate orange depending on age and stage of child and what they need/ want.
We have spent a lot of money eg laptop when needed or very little £5.00 scooter.
We have never bought something just because child wants it eg tv in bedroom but have given in to long term pressure and contribution in the case of a PlayStation.The children have been asked for ideas but not long lists of expected gifts.

We don't have a rule, but we have a budget. DCs are still preschool, so when they write their Santa list they're allowed to choose 3 things; we try to steer them towards one biggish present and two smaller ones (last year, DS chose a Milky Bar for one of his!).

Santa brings the 3 things (in future this may depend on Santa's budget, but currently there's nothing expensive on there), plus a few surprise bits and pieces (often craft things, a book or two, and new pyjamas).

We make a note of things they'd like that didn't make the list, and also keep an eye out for things they might like but not have thought to ask for. Then we buy them one of those things, and give a list of the rest to other people who buy them presents.

The only issue we have is MIL, who refuses to work from a list or stick to any kind of budget, and gives them each a massive sack of stuff (and the same for her other 6 grandchildren, which is why FIL is always borrowing money from us on the sly). DS in particular gets overwhelmed with it, and sometimes causes a scene if he's made to open it all at once, so we have to pace him. A lot of it goes to the charity shop as we just don't have room for it.

Also sounds joyless to me too. What about 4 presents that they really love. Life is too short to always be practical and reserved.

It's not about how much money you spend but surely Christmas is a time to celebrate, watching little faces open presents with delight, what could be better.

I agree, it's joyless. Four gifts you actually want isn't excessive surely?!

Four gifts, fine. Four gifts from prescribed categories - seems a bit joyless.

There is actually a (massively underrated) middle ground between The Poem and the Sea of Presents. I think my two will only be getting 5-6 things from us/Santa - toys and books. They'll get more from grandparents, because other than giving an idea of what they'd like, we can't police what other people do (nor would we want to, unless we were burdened with the sort of relatives who thought a NERF gun was appropriate for e.g. a two year old).

Ours used to get one present from us - entirely sufficient given that other family members would be giving them gifts too.

They also had a wee stocking with fruit and silly little bits in it.

I've known quite a few people start off following those rules. It lasts until their four year old gets into trains, or their six year old gets into Sylvanian families.

I don't understand why people who don't like this approach are even commenting and possibly being rude to the OP. If you don't like this then scroll onto another thread on the Christmas board. She even specifically asked to hear from people who take this approach, not every Tom, Dick, and Harry scrolling by.

@xhannahx I wouldn't bother explaining too much to the Literal Larrys who are possibly deliberately taking your words as puritanical and ultra frugal and are being willfully obtuse.

BTW, @xhannahx, I'm not to be confused with the other @jings, just in case. :)

The OP asked an open question to which people are perfectly entitled to answer "No" and give their reasons why not.

Also you are not the thread police, if the OP only wants answers to validate her own thoughts then she could clearly state this. Even then, it's an open forum on a website so as long as people dont go against the site rules, they can post what they want, where they want.

Haven't rtft.

We buy like this for DS and it cuts the crap right down. When relatives ask what to get him, we always say vouchers or money, this way they can be spread through the year rather than all at once. DS also has a birthday not long after Christmas and we ask for vouchers then too.

Forgot to say, he usually gets two presents for each category and certainly isn't deprived of joy!

He actually enjoys his gifts and takes time with each one rather than opening endless piles of played with once toys etc.

Why not take it year by year rather than having such a fixed idea. Your DD is very young still and you don't know what she's going to be like.

I didn't buy anything/very little when mine were babies. Once my eldest was old enough to write, she took it upon herself to write a huge list to F.Christmas (was mostly small, cheap things). I explained that she wouldn't get everything but I did buy a lot of it. It was just magical to see her open it all and be so happy that Father Christmas had read her list!

One of mine would be fine with your idea but another one would really hate the rigidity of it all and I think it would spoil the lead up to Christmas.

They are only little for such a short time and part of the magic is being able to ask f.c for lots of things. As your DD gets older there could be 5 small things she is desperate for, not sure making her choose one is necessarily the best way.
Part of the excitement is 'put it on your list, we'll have to wait and see what f.c brings'.

I have a friend who's parents did similar to your idea growing up and she hated it. She does a huge pile of presents with her kids as she says she feels she always missed out on this when she was little.

I like the sharing idea, it encourages DS1 not to just steal things from his brother (I hope, anyway!). This year their sharing toy is probably going to be a play kitchen.

Me and DH work opposite shifts 4 days a week and he works the other 3 days, so Christmas is really one of the only times we can do things most can do with days off or weekends.

Congrats on the second baby btw.

Don't let the negativity of other posters put you down. If you do it, good for you. If you don't and choose to give more then that's great too. I just try to be sensible with my spending. It doesn't help we have 7 immediate family birthdays in the 5 weeks around Christmas.

I'm not knocking others who give more presents etc, not implying you give less time or have less fun etc, but I don't want Christmas to be all about what's under the tree. As I said before though, I do get stuff for mine through the year and they are spoilt by my mum too.

Again, it's not an all or nothing scenario. MY Dc have always had more than 4/8 presents and it doesn't mean that they are made up of rubbish or not carefully chosen or unplayed with or taken time with or not enjoyed.

Appreciate not all DC are the same but you can't generalise like this and if you always buy in terms of the rhyme, how do you know he would behave in a different way with more gifts? Again, everyone should do christmas in the way that they can afford and suits their family but please don't perpetuate the nasty little rhyme and pretend that it is the norm, becasue it isn't. If you want to limit gifts then that's fine but get them things they will love rather than following an outdated rhyme.

As I said before I probably have always bought too much, but I do buy things from different categories but it's things that they would like or have put on their list. They would always ask for books as well as toys/crafts etc

@waxonfeckoff actually, if you reread my opening post, it wasn't really an open question, there were very specific question I had for those who adopted this approach...

My question is, has anyone else chosen this route? How has it worked out?

If you do do this, how do you deal with other family members? Do you ask for no gifts, 1 gift...really not sure how to approach the topic fairly

Those who have chosen to instead of offer advice, tell me I'm cruel, worthy, joyless, scrouge, have done so because clearly they fail to be open minded that not everyone follows the status quo, and there is actually nothing wrong with that.

Each to their own, if lots of presents is how you like to do Christmas in your house, then go for it, I know I'm in the minority, but personally I see nothing wrong with minimal gifts, and think people need to take a long hard look at the world to see how incredibly privileged our children already are.

I'm on the fence on this one. In theory I like the concept but circumstances played out very differently in our family.

When the dc were small, DH saw toys as luxuries rather than necessities. But he also came from a background of over indulging at Christmas, so it became my opportunity to buy good, long-lasting toys that are important for play and development. It would have been great if our relatives could have been guided a little bit but several of them believe that the true meaning of Christmas involves showering dc in plastic tat. And if I didn't buy decent toys at Christmas it would be impossible to justify buying any more when we were drowning in plastic.

I have a voracious reader who devours 5-10 books a week and also hoards so we spend lots of time in the library! He wouldn't really see the value in a book that he could borrow for free. I have one who would re read a favourite book a dozen times so he would value a book as a gift, and I have an emerging reader who is intimidated by books, and it's just not the right time for a gift of a book.

I have a child who loves clothes, and one who covers his nakedness reluctantly but would be very disappointed to receive clothes as a gift. The other would probably be indifferent.

And then there's the "want": once they go to school they want some inappropriate rubbish. One year it was a stupid flying fairy that looked amazing on tv and crashed uncontrollably in RL. DS had his heart set on it and Santa brought it, but also brought a popular toy to give a child with asd who was struggling socially a bit of street cred in school.

Whatever nonsense they ask for, on Christmas Day you also need them to be occupied happily either while you're busy in the kitchen, or to help survive in someone else's house. A big Lego set, or a craft box is great but it's another gift.

Then there is the comparison factor; fairness matters hugely to children and I don't think Christmas Day is the time to teach them how life is unfair (there's another 364 days for that). But do you give them the same number of parcels, or the same size if parcels. It takes several years to understand monetary value, and many, many more to understand relative needs.

So on Christmas Day we end up with a pile. I don't post on Facebook or show anyone the size of the pile. I'm not following class norms or keeping up with the Jones. I'm just trying my best. I'd be far more comfortable with a quieter, calmer, less material Christmas.

If I could persuade my relatives to back off with the presents (or give them some of mine) it would be brilliant but currently my DSis and Sil are in direct competition for the most extravagant auntie title

I suppose my point is that the four gift rule might not cover everything that life throws at you.

I try and balance it by encouraging my dc to give gifts that they make (and to help me think of gifts too so they have to focus on the other person and not just suggest what they want themselves). We give gifts to people who have helped us (nurses, paramedics last year), and we practice lots of acts of kindness through advent. Hopefully that counter balances the over consumption a little but I'm still trying to figure it out.

I'm amazed that "4 gifts" is considered too frugal. I used to get one or two as a kid!

My question is, has anyone else chosen this route?

I did look at the opening post and checked it before I responded. That is an open question to which the answer can be "No I haven't" or "I don't know anyone who has" etc

I've also said many times, it's not the number of gifts that is the issue, people do Christmas in all sorts of ways - there is no one size fits all. What I've said is that rhyme is miserable, old fashioned, justifies mean-ness and encourages it too. Buy 4 presents if you want, but don't feel obliged to categorise them like that. You can also still encourage variety of interests and gifts without following it. My DSs always asked for books and enjoyed getting dressing up stuff and new PJs etc. But their needs should always be catered for to the best of a parents ability without it being given as a gift.

It will be difficult to get others to stick to your rules. I have never liked the 'something to this, something to that' thing. I don't think anyone should impose their ideas on other people who are giving a gift. You should be able to just go out and buy a nice gift for a person without a rule.

However I do think that you can say you only want one or two gifts per person in your family and say you would welcome the idea of a joint family gift - a trip out, bigger toy like a rocking horse or garden toy, that sort of thing. It is your home so you can fill it whatever you wish and if that is saying no to hundreds of OTT toys then I think that is your right. It's easier to discuss sensibily before the day that getting irritated afterwards so make sure you talk to your family soon.

Oh come on OP. You started the lack of open-mindedness, by describing 'excess' gifts (with no definition) as obnoxious. And you posted in the Christmas topic - funnily enough it's mainly populated by people who really love going to town on Christmas celebrations, given that it's only October.

I don't think you're actually in the minority by planning to give your child 4 gifts at Christmas. Mine get 5 from me. Around that number is average, I'd guess. My friends who buy their kids a lot tend not to have much extended family who also buy for them, I've noticed.

But you really can't tell other people that they can't buy for your child. You can refuse to accept the gifts, sure. (Though that doesn't exactly teach your child that love and peace and friendship so more important than gift-giving.) You could make donations to charity shops and women's shelters. And you can try to gently guide people towards gifts that are experiences, or small/inexpensive items. But ultimately some people will buy your child excessive plastic tat at some stage and it's best to be gracious.

OP, it's not that we're not open minded, it's that we disagree with you. Which we're allowed to do on a public forum.
My kids know how privileged they are - we give toys away to charity regularly, they receive pocket money each week, some of which goes to a charity of their choosing helping overseas children who have less. Every xmas, we think of something special for children that we can donate via our local food bank etc.
And yet I still give them more than four presents!
If you only want like-minded responses, maybe you shouldn't post on MN

@somerville again, I never said that I will be stopping others buying gifts, I actually asked other how they approached this topic so that it is "fair for everyone", the consensus here seems to be to let others do as they wish, which may be the way we play it, we haven't decided and we're merely looking for suggestions.

In regards to excessive gifts, and by this o mean upwards of 50...to me this is quite obnoxious and totally unnecessary, but I guess that's the materialistic world we now live in that I don't quite understand.