4 gift rule for xmas - anyone else?

[xhannahx]

This year will be dh and I first as a family of 3, DD will be 10 months old. We also have another baby on the way due in April.

We have spent a fair amount of time recently discussing our feelings towards gift giving at Christmas and birthdays.

Dh and I have been a couple for nearly 11 years, and have never bought each other gifts at Christmas or birthdays, neither of us feel them to be necessary, we just like to enjoy each other's company and will often plan a short trip, nice meal etc instead.

I would like our children to grow up valuing time with family and friends on special occasions, rather than viewing them as a time they are bombarded with gifts, and therefore we are thinking about adopting the 4 gift rule:
Something they want
Something they need
Something to wear
Something to read

I don't want to completely deprive them of gifts at Xmas, but find the excess a little obnoxious and it has never sat right with me.

My question is, has anyone else chosen this route? How has it worked out?

If you do do this, how do you deal with other family members? Do you ask for no gifts, 1 gift...really not sure how to approach the topic fairly for all parties but feel very strongly that Xmas should not be a time for excessive gift giving.

Thanks!

@WaxOn, I'm not being the thread police, but rather mentioning other posters' poor reading comprehension skills. If it doesn't apply, let it fly.

I think trying to curb the excesses of Christmas is a great idea.

However, my parents never really went in for Christmas presents in a big way although we were reasonably well off. I'm afraid it sent me the other way in that I always felt a little hard done by and hankered after things I felt I could never have. I now love buying lots of 'stuff' and I think their approach made me more materialistic. I'm just trying to say that if you make it too controlled, you may not get the desired result. A happy medium is best.

xhannahx honestly, you give me hope. The threads where people talk about giving their kids 25-30 presents fill me with despair, both for the kids and for the waste and all the junk.

Your DD and your future baby are very lucky to have someone who puts values over things.

I have a teenage DS, and while I haven't had a "rule" as such, he doesn't get piles of things, but a couple of presents I know he wants, plus a stocking. This year it will be:
Assassins Creed pyjamas
A component for the computer he is building (this is the expensive present)
A stocking (fruit, nuts, chocolate coins, a selection box, pants and socks, a keyring, and a book).

He will get 4 or 5 other presents from his aunts and uncles and his grandma - these are usually clothes, or money to put towards the thing he's building.

He's usually very happy indeed with this.

@archeryannie, Thank you :)

Oh goody, another 'this is my brilliant way of doing things, and I have no intention of changing my mind' thread.

Having said that, OP's post about the empty box present from her mum explains a lot. I felt very sad for you reading that.

There is actually a (massively underrated) middle ground between The Poem and the Sea of Presents.

THIS. Explore that middle ground. Skimp in the baby years (no point in buying a 10 mo anything, they'd prefer the wrapping paper) and adjust later as life changes.

We roughly do this. Works fine. They get a stocking as well which has small bits & bobs in (including scissors, glue- things that are always lots and need replacing now a family joke). For our 6 year old this year will look a bit like this- a big present like Lego, (want), educational computer game (need) book (read) snow boots (wear). We have decent sized families so they get plenty of other parents & despite sounding ‘mean’ this seems to generate plenty of presents each.

I want to balance our children having nice things, and enough to play with learning the value of items, not expecting too much that we can’t keep up with and learning to give as well.

As I child I remember getting one present from my parents, then one from each grandparents and then a stocking. And that felt fine... sometimes as a teenager we asked for money to be combined if we wanted something expensive.

Our baby is getting a family farm pass for everyone to enjoy...

I just fail to understand the need to nail things down to an inch of their lives eg four gifts with specified purpose. I don’t get those on here who must have a set budget for people either. What happened to ‘I saw this and thought of you?’.
Before anyone complains I must have oodles of cash to think like this I don’t. It just all seem so rigid and joyless.

I completely agree with wannabe that this rule seems rigid and joyless. By all means limit the amount of tat but do it with some imagination.

You have to do whatever works for you and your family.
It wouldn't work in my house because i love buying dd (8) presents and seeing her face light up on xmas day is the best thing ever, I dont go overboard She gets maybe 15 presents under the tree, but she doesnt get a 'main present'.
But i am also guilty of buying her presents throughout the year too. The other day i bought her 2 tsum tsums, she loved them, She took them everywhere with her and then made them a bed in her bed.
But ds is very grateful for everything she gets. If she wasn't I wouldn't buy her things like I do. She is in no way a spoilt brat. ❤❤

If we had wider family who would, aunts and uncles and grandparents who would give the dc gifts I would be happy to stick to some sort if guidelines like this. We see on here posters going into great detail about, appreciating family time, the value of Christmas without gifts, then in the next breath they declare, and we have twenty other people to buy for dc and they end up getting over forty gifts?! Take it all with a pinch of salt

Just, I agree.
People get very confused between buying your dc gifts and them being spoiled.

It's very different. You could buy some dc all the gifts in the world and they would be be spoilt brats. Other kids would be. It's not the gifts bestowed it's the child's personality and how they are brought up

Agree, it seems rigid and joyless.

A gift is supposed to bring joy and pleasure, not be something a person needs. Clothes are essential items and books should be part of normal life not one a year.

I get a great deal of pleasure choosing gifts that I know the person will love, sometimes that's one big item or lots of little things.

I couldn't imagine using Christmas as a time to teach a child a lesson, apart from them learning about charity as they go to the pet store to choose new toys for the shelter.

Joyless and worthy imo. Buying dc a selection of gifts that they want doesn't make them spoilt or mean we use "things" instead of spending time as a family.

I can't imagine seeing something in the shops that I know my dc would love and not getting it because they already have their 4 items

Whilst many seem to view this as worthy and joyless, it hasn't changed my opinion on this being the right choice for our family, and thank you to those who have offered helpful suggestions which we will be taking on board

I personally don't see anything joyless about treating the children to a few gifts, and shifting the focus of the day back to family. Whilst they may only recieve 4 gifts from us (of which I have never disclosed value as this doesn't seem relevant to this thread), they will recieve a stocking, plus gifts from other family members. I see absolutely nothing "joyless" about this what so ever. My children will have a lovely home, parents that love them, too much food and lots of quality time. Im not suggesting that those who give lots of gifts won't have this, however it seems a little perspective has been lost in regards to the rest of the world and how fortunate our children are.

This isn't being used as a "life lesson" as some have suggested, and prescribing a certain number of gifts to be given to prevent being "joyless" imo is just as "worthy"...some people quite frankly can't afford many gifts, and their children I am sure enjoy Christmas just as much as those that recieve an abundance.

Any how, thanks again for some lovely suggestions, a gift to share and a gift for the family will certainly be added :)

OP, in the nicest possible way though, it still seems as though you're missing the point that many of us are trying to put across.

"a few gifts, and shifting the focus of the day back to family."

The Middle Ground. Where children are capable of receiving more than 4 gifts gratefully and also enjoy giving gifts, but they equally enjoy the special meal, they enjoy whatever other traditions families may have, from Midnight Mass, to going for a walk before eating, to playing Uno while Auntie Dot snoozes in the evening.

*gherkin but they will! They will recieve 4 gifts from us, their stockings plus gifts from all other family member's. Honestly I give up!

Again. It's not the number of gifts that people are objecting to. It's that fact that the rhyme encourages only one if those to be something that the child might want, and the implication that people who choose to buy their children more either have spoilt brats or don't enjoy the family time.

I have reiterated again and again that I have never said that those who give lots of gifts value family time any less,I have simply said that is where our focus is. If you chose to read into it that way it says more about you than me.

The same with the spoiled brat comments...again I have not said that.

I have also reiterated again and again that everyone is taking the rhyme so painfully literally my head is ready to explode.

Anyway, like I said, I give up!

Hi!. We do the 3 wise men rule. So something to wear, something to read and something they really want. We let family get them whatever they want as it's usually only 1-2 items anyway. It works well for us!

Haven’t read replies, I say 1 gift to my family. Sounds mean but I have 3 children and a absolute huge family. I remember Xmas a few years ago my living room was full and that was just what my parents bought around. A letter to Santa gets wrote and the family always ask what the kids want so we show them the list or they buy something they want to. Works for us

Sounds a tad drab to me.

If I got say socks, toothpaste, a book and one set of lego as an 8 year old boy, I think I'd feel more than a little bit sad really.

No children myself but clothing and necessities, well I wouldn't consider them gifts. So essentially they're just getting a book and a toy.

WRT your earlier mention of gift extravaganza, you know there is a happy medium between someone who piles presents so high the tree is obscured and the above rule.

@userofthiswebsite...just like there being a happy medium between something they need being toothpaste!

I think it's depriving others of the joy of giving. I try hard to come up with good ideas for gifts for the dc when family ask so they get to enjoy that big reaction.
Also it is so thrilling as a kid to see a pile of presents!

I'm not impressed by that poem.
I think Scrooge wrote it.

I would usually buy one big present and several smaller ones that are all wants and a few surprises.

DC doesn't read and has everything they need, is a teenager but never asks for excessive amounts of clothes over the year and only likes the odd designer item.

Following the poem for my 7 year old DS could easily be
Want - big Lego StarWars set
Need - new bike
Wear - fancy trainers
Read - Roald Dahl box set

It doesn't have to be a toothbrush and socks.