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Guests (family) came to spend 2 days, they are supposed to provide drinks but didnt bring enough...

221 replies

Upcycled · 24/12/2013 22:47

My Christmas is nearly ruined. They guaranteed to us they would bring all the drinks we needed and even asked what we wanted but they didn't bring enough. They arrived this evening to eat an amazing buffet and they will have the most lovely dinner tomorrow with loads of nice nibbles during the day but they couldn't be arsed to bring enough drinks. Probably there is enough wine but 4 bottles of J2O between 7 people clearly is not enough. And Dh drinks only beer, they know it and brought only 12 small bottles of corona which they are drinking too. No soft drinks for Dd at all. And the icing on the cake was when I asked MIL if I could have some coke from the half bottle they left in the kitchen and as I am pouring it BIL jokes that I am drinking HIS coke so I apologise and tell him I asked MIL to which he replies that it is not MIL's coke but his....then I realise that the only coke they brought. And no, they aren't strapped for cash. In the last few days they went to a posh restaurant, went to see a show on the West End and to the cinema. Also MIL cant stop bragging about her pay rise. I am annoyed.

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/12/2013 12:35

LtEve..that sounds great.

Unfortunately am in North West Scotland right now!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/12/2013 12:36

But cheers Wine

IamInvisible · 26/12/2013 12:38

"BIL took his coke to bed with him!"

He was going to the flat next door so maybe he did it incase he felt thirsty in the night. It was not like he could nip to the kitchen.

I wouldn't invite them next year, tbh. From your other thread, and this one, it is obvious you don't like them, so just have Christmas with DH and your DD next year. No stress, no hassle, what's not to like?

Upcycled · 26/12/2013 13:13

LtEveDallas it sounds hell to me. But each to their own. Glad you enjoy all the buzz. But accept that people are different, and it does not mean they are worse than you because of it.

Dh's will have a hard time spending Christmas away from his family.
But he seems to have forgotten that when we didn't have Dd they never invited us to spend Christmas with them and even when I was pregnant, and Dh and I were sharing a flat with strangers, we did not have money to buy the smallest Christmas tree and thanks God our flatmate feed us, they also did not invite us.

But as I said upthread, Dh is a better person than I am.

The only way I can avoid spending with them would be going to my home country but with only few days school holidays it is not very easy. Maybe when we have enough disposable income we can do that.

I have had worse Christmas with PIL before. They do offer to help with washing up and stuff, but when I accept, she keeps postponing to later and the piles get bigger, and then she decides she is tired and will do next morning. Stupidly I go and do it just for her to say it was her turn and I didn't let her do it.
So now, I just don't accept help, it is easier and quicker if I just do it myself. I know where the things go, and I do a better job IMO.

As for speaking up and communicating: as you could have guessed by now, English isn't my first language and usually sensitive subjects are misinterpreted as is difficult to me to say things the English way. In my culture, people are more direct and bold specially with family.

As for not liking them: I do like them but we are completely different when it gets down to the way we behave as hosts and guests, I accept this now and things are getting a lot easier over the years.

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LtEveDallas · 26/12/2013 13:24

Upcycled lovey, I know English isn't your first language, so you may not have 'got' me, but actually I'm in support of you. I think your BIL was wrong to have 'rationed' the drinks he bought, and he should have provided for you, DH and DC as was expected.

LeBearPolar · 26/12/2013 13:30

LtEve is one of few posters speaking out to support you rather than flame you and you have a go at her? Hmm

You don't half make it hard for people to sympathise with you!

Upcycled · 26/12/2013 13:40

Thanks LetEve

So to update a bit more.

They planned to stay untill evening but I told them I had plans and needed to get out at 10.
Guess what? At 10, MIL and SIL were up but not completely ready, FIL and BIL were awake but taking their time. Obviously I had to change my plans. By the time they all had breakfats and got all their stuff together, it was 12 when they finally got in the lift. After I cleared breakfast I had to stop engaging and start going on my business. I had said twice over breakfast that I changed my plans for 10 o'clock but I still needed to get out.

Anyway, they took some of the left over drinks with them. They left me half a bottle of red and an opened mulled wine. I don't know if it is relevant but these are supermarket own brand that I have never seen FiL drinking before.

I managed to have 3 J2Os in the morning and BiL had the other one.

Ah and they left 2 coronas too because they have Peroni beer at home (beer was only enough because Dh got the cold and couldn't drink).

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AthelstaneTheUnready · 26/12/2013 13:41

Just read your thread, Upcycled and you sound so much less stressed today! Hope the rest of your Christmas goes well.

SanityClause · 26/12/2013 13:50

Well, it's over, now, Upcycled.

You can do something else next year. There's lots of options.

Go there.
Invite them, but ask them to contribute money.
Invite them, and give a specific list of what they should bring.
Don't invite them at all.
Visit your own family (I have done this with my family who live pretty much as far away as it is possible to travel, so it is do-able, once in a while.)
Go away somewhere as a family (skiing, a sunshine holiday?)

You have loads of time to discuss this with DH.

Relax, now though.

Flowers
Coconutty · 26/12/2013 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 26/12/2013 14:20

So there was actually drink left over? Including the J2O which you had 3 of yourself this morning? Maybe they knew you all better than you thought and knew how much drink would be consumed.

Also- if your DH would find it hard to be without his family then tell him to organise it all in future. Why should him needing to see his family = you getting super stressed and pissed off and running round like a blue arsed fly trying to cook and clean and being resentful?

Upcycled · 26/12/2013 14:26

coconutty
I live in a small 2 bedroom flat and this year I have two big pieces in the living room and bigger furniture in Dd's bedroom so the space is really very limited. The idea was to use blow up beds, sofa, move furniture around for the evening and back again for the day...but I had the idea to rent out my neighbour's flat so they just needed to go there for sleeping and shower. PIL stayed in one bedroom and BiL in the other. SiL slept on Dd's bed and Dd slept with us on our bed.

sanityclause
BiL and SiL are single no kids. Dd is the only grandchild. They will be absolutely hurt if they don't spend with us and so will be Dh if he doesn't spend with them, unless we travel to my family.

We need to save a lot of money to of to my home country and as my parents and separate and my family is spread in different cities I also have to convince them to come together because there is no way I can see all of them during 15 days never mind over Christmas day. I am very much close to both sides of the family but they have their niggles between them, but I am sure they can come together for a special occasion. We would need to all chip in and rent out a big house or cottage since the family is big but it is possible. Also we have to think about the elderly and disable in the family. And all of us will need a hell lot of money.

PIL's place is even smaller than ours! I would rather host here with whatever shit is going on than go there. Also they live far and Dh and I don't drive...sometimes both of us or one of us work on Christmas Eve and/or Boxing day.

I wouldn't ask them to contribute with money but definitely will give them a list of drinks for next time.

I have suggested going somewhere for Christmas but Dh wants to cook a special dinner each year and they all think that Christmas must be a family/home affair, watching British TV and sleeping on the sofa kind of thing.

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Lovepancakes · 27/12/2013 15:00

I think you have been very accommodating when you don't have much room; we simply don't have anyone to stay due to a 2bed flat so you have been very kind as it is. I think they could have been a lot more sensitive as we're about to stay with DH's family who are lovely and we do as much as can that don't burden them in any way. I think a list of drinks sounds a good idea

Upcycled · 27/12/2013 15:19

Thanks Lovepancakes

I tried many times to explain to them that the lack of space really stress me out, I have being squashed with people and their stuff everywhere ( I am a bad person, aren't I?) but they just keep saying that they don't mind sleeping in blow up beds or sofas and they don't mind being uncomfortable. Then I say again: well but I DO mind myself...then they say: Well, it is only for 2 days, it is Christmas or whatever....

And this is the other reason why I would rather host. I can come to my bedroom and zone out and have some space. I keep coming in and out of my bedroom. It doesn't mean that I don't like them but lack of space, noise, etc, stresses me out.

Also I said before here or in other thread: they offer to help cleaning up in the kitchen a part that they don't help at all. Even when I accept help, I end up doing it, because they say they will do but they don't.
I made my peace with this now and I just do it, I don't resent it anymore. But then MIL says to me before going home: I am sorry we didn't help much which is UNUSUAL...what??? MIL, are you having a laugh? You NEVER helped.

You don't need to ask if you can help in the fucking kitchen. If you or your lot could just collect all the glasses and mugs and plates and rubbish that you all leave lying around everywhere and that would be good enough.

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Upcycled · 27/12/2013 15:20

I hate being squashed should I have said.

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Jux · 27/12/2013 18:27

Oh dear, op, it does sound like you a bit put upon. Next year, be a little more assertive. As well as the drinks list, when you are going to clean up you go into the sitting room and stand on front of the tv and say loudly "OK, everyone, crockery, cutlery, cups and glasses into the kitchen NOW." hand someone a black bag for rubbish and tell them to fill it up. Treat them a little like children. They know they should help, they probably intend to help but they get distracted. So get their attention all at once and tell them what to do and when - ie, now.

dazzlingdeborahrose · 28/12/2013 08:51

Sounds a stressful situation. When you have a lot of people crammed into a small space it really can be a powder keg. Can you suggest that they stay in a nearby hotel next time? It's not practical to have them all stay with you. We host Xmas every year. We provide everything; food, drink, crackers, sweets. Everything. Iffy e guests don't like what's provided then they are free to bring their own. I cook everything and once dinner is over, I sit while everyone else clears and washes. Taxis are booked for 5.30 which is when the guests leave. I curl up on sofa with wine Wink. Be very specific in future about what is being provided by you and what you expect them to provide. Oh and definitely start giving them suggestions for local b&b's.

Upcycled · 28/12/2013 09:48

Gave sugestions of hotels, there is a travel lodge but no b&bs. They would have to get taxi to the hotel. They dont want to spend money with hotel and taxi.

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Jux · 28/12/2013 11:29

Your dd is getting older every year. At some point it will be impractical for her to squash in with you and give up her room. Who paid for renting the flat next door? Next year, it may not be possible to do that anyway, so they'll have to go to a hotel. You could host Christmas day and they can host Boxing day - at a hotel, rented flat, whatever.

Upcycled · 28/12/2013 12:20

I paid rent next door because it was a last minute arrangement between my neighbour and I. Also I made the decision whitout consulting them so I thought it was unfair to charge as they were willing to crowd. Next year I will organize in advance and they will have to pay for next door flat. I can't accomodade in my tiny flat even though they think I can.

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NotALondoner · 28/12/2013 12:54

But your neighbours might not go away next year.

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