So relieved I didn’t have children

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Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

If they would only agree to hide the board from Active, we wouldn't have to say this every time.

Freedom of speach is not freedom not to be challenged or have other people silenced. Suggest if you’re feeling that prickly about it maybe don’t chat about it on a public forum called Mumsnet

Suggest if you feel prickly about strangers being happy they don’t have kids you don’t read threads on the MNers without children board.

I used to feel this way as have had a lot of ill health but as I get older I’m starting to realise it means I won’t have a lot of support in later years

God, so much this. Just scroll on.

And yet you chose to come onto the MNers without children board and moan. I don’t go onto the board about dogs and moan about people having dogs, or the Black MNers board and moan about how hard it is to be white, because I respect those spaces.

I understand why, but I do find it strange how much people who choose to be child free focus on the negatives. I know the reason is because they have never experienced the love, pride and sheer fulfilment of having children - but still. I’ve just travelled round America with my three and my husband and I reflected - what have I actually missed out on in having them? Nothing. We still travel, I still work full time time in a job I love, my husband and I are more in love than ever after this incredible joint project we’ve worked on for the past 18 years. Yes there was tiredness and struggle - still is- but my goodness has it been worth it. It’s really crazy imagining people with kids are all miserable and craving peace. I’m sure some are, but certainly not all! I just had a lie in til 12 and now I’m heading off on a National trust walk with dh while the kids are off doing their sports and activities. All the things child free people enjoy, I still do too. Don’t want them, obviously don’t have them - but I do feel the prevailing narrative that parenting is awful is really toxic.

That would be a weird reason to have children though.

That's wonderful and I can't help but think that you are incredibly lucky it worked out for you like that. I think for a lot of women it doesn't.

Did you think like this when the children were 2, 4 and 6? I really doubt you got to do all the things child free people did at that point.

Obviously this is not the topic of the thread, but if I decide to go down the baby route (still on the fence..,), I am definitely sticking with one. Seems to be the best option for those who want to experience parenthood. Both my nephews are onlies too, as is DP. I simply can’t fathom why anyone would have more than one child, it looks like an absolute nightmare.

No lifestyle is perfect, but I have to say this works for us. We are both independent people and slightly introverted I would say, so space and time to be alone works well for both of us. It's not for everyone, and if I had 1£ for every time someone said "when are you giving us a day out" or "when do you think I'll need a hat" or similar hints about weddings, I'd be a very wealthy woman! But I don't care. Maybe secretly they'd like our set up, who knows!

I don't think either of us would cope with living together full time anyway, we'd probably kill each other in the end. 😊

I feel prickly about people claiming to be silenced simply because others don’t go along with what they say

This. The thing is, you can’t demand a special child-free section on a site where 99% of the posters are parents and then expect no debate or discussion of your views.

This is very natural though isn’t it? If I use people who have cats vs dogs.

A cat person would say they love the freedom of having a cat, they can go to work, not have to come home to walk a dog or pick up poo.

It’s human nature to look at negatives of the opposite situation so you can focus on the positives in your life.

In no way is someone say owning a dog is horrible or the wrong thing. They are saying having a cat is the right personal choice for them.

As a parent, it’s bloody hard work, I’m sleep deprived and definitely financially worst off but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I would make this choice over and over again. But I completely understand that it’s not the right choice for everyone and I’m really not offended by that.

I feel if you are offended by someone saying “oh I don’t want kids as I don’t want to wipe bum / snot and be sleep deprived” …. Why is a fact offensive? It’s like being offended someone saying I don’t like brown hair on me, I prefer blonde. It doesn’t mean they hate all brown haired people?

Life without children is definitely easier and less stressful. Children aren't for everyone and that's ok. For me though, I don't regret having my two. I genuinely look at them and just think to myself how lucky I am. They make me smile and laugh every day (also drive me mad at times 😂). Nothing worth having is easy.

Even those with kids can't guarantee that the children will support them in their vulnerable time - if and when it comes. That's a fact now, with emigration, moving to different parts of the country, losing touch to some extent, estrangement, ill health in the children maybe. Lots of different scenarios.

Make a plan, get a buddy advocate/family member/friend who knows your wishes. Do a POA, write a will, do a DNR if that's what you want. With or without kids the end result is the same I think. Don't stress over it, there are zero guarantees in life no matter what your circumstances are.

Sweeping relief? I'm bloody ecstatic!
46 yo, happy long term marriage, money, looks,
I have it all due to the best decision ever made for myself.
Never to have children!
😀

Yes, heaven forbid some state that they’re enjoying life without someone coming along and telling them they’re wrong. The arrogance!

It's so weird how this has attracted so many posts about their lives WITH children! Should I pop on to a board about, I don't know, living with teens to say how lovely it is not having any? Of course not, because it's not aimed at me and would derail the discussion.

I'm really glad you're happy with your choice.
I'm happy I stopped after 1 - much as I do love him dearly and don't regret having him, there was never a time I wanted lots of kids and for a while I wasn't sure I would actually have any.

I have one child, but am also really happy to hear that others are happily childfree. People being happy is a good thing, regardless whether our situations are the same or different.

But there are loads of boards on mn for people with particular life experiences, do you pop on them to tell them you don't agree with their experience of being, for example, Black or disabled or French or whatever?

I have one, and honestly, it's been the best option for us and DS.

Because the negatives are often why we don’t want children. And it is important and sensible to take the possible negatives into consideration when making any decision.

I have fertility issues and I decided not to get any treatment for them because for me the negatives of having a child far outweighed the pros. I also considered the worst case scenarios because they do happen sometimes.

I am second generation autistic and I thought that there was a very high chance of me having an autistic child. This might be fine if they were quiet, high functioning and didn’t need a lot of stimulation, so fitting in with my temperament and sensory issues but this was far from a guarantee. I considered the possibility that my child could be born with severe special needs. They could be violent, need 24/7 care and barely sleep. For me, emphasis on me, having a child with such severe issues and the care that would be required would be far more detrimental for me than not having a child at all. I also considered other negative possibilities not relating to SN.

My mental health is poor and I have various disabilities and I think I’d struggle even with an “easy” child so I decided not to roll that dice, particularly as I didn’t feel any real mourning over not having a child. There was no real drive to have one and I’m content without one so why take the chance? Especially when it doesn’t just affect me but this human being I could have decided to create. They and their potential life and what I can offer them and what I can’t, deserve due consideration too.

There were other factors too like not wanting to contribute to climate change on such a scale or subjecting my child to the effects and other increasing difficulties of life but overall the negatives of parenting and not knowing if I could deal with them and if I even wanted to do so as someone who needs a lot of space and quiet so I decided to maintain the status quo and I have no regrets.

External perspective can be helpful, as long as you respect the different experiences and aren't trying to silence opinion.